McHale's Navy Page #3

official military installation...

into aisle three

at the Price Club!

What a resourceful group.

Thank you, sir, but we really

can't take all the credit.

We owe it to our

good buddy, McHale.

- Hmm!

- Shh!

Welcome to the Navy, gentlemen.

All right, driver, take

this garbage to the dump!

And make sure everything

is in official accordance...

with the rules of Navy dumping!

[ Horn Honks, Engine Starts ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Okay.

You know, this part

of the island,

I don't think

you want to go here.

It's all so muddy, and the

villagers are interrupting.

This isn't the best place to do

[ Device Beeping ]

To do whatever heinous things

you're planning to do.

[ Chuckling ]

Major, this spot is primo.

The vectors are perfect.

Their range is maximum.

This is where we shall set up.

[ Boys Talking ]

You, boy.

Where did you get that shirt?

Oh, uh, that's

their coach, McHale.

H-H-He's a nobody.

He's an old retired American

sailor that comes around..

And coaches the team.

He lives on an island,

all by himself.

[ Vladakov ] Run

along to McHale, boys.

[ Low Growl ]

I hope you will

not be so loose-lipped...

if someone should ask about me.

B-But I wouldn't say anything.

Besides, I don't know

anything about you,

except that you're the second-best

terrorist in the world.

Major, our equipment

has arrived.

Take me to it.

[ Man ] Move it! Move it! Move it!

Come on, faster! Faster!

[ Vladakov ] Did you hear

what he called me, David?

Huh? Second best"?

You heard that, right?

Don't go there.

You always do this.

He meant it as a compliment.

You always have to turn it

into something about you.

Why do you always

minimize my pain?

I thought we were getting somewhere,

and as your psychiatrist,

I now realize we have a lot

of work to do on this.

But I am here to help you,

even if you are holding my entire

family hostage in Bangladesh.

Major Vladikov,

I see a lot of equipment...

for such a quiet operation.

Why don't you just say

that if I were any better...

I would need less equipment?

Easy.

[ Exhales Sharply ]

Thank you, Governor.

You are dismissed.

Oh, and Governor?

May I suggest that you use

some of that graft...

to invest in a solid

antiperspirant?

You people

Got a heart of steel, yeah

Do the funky boogie now,

Come on and show me,

[ Snorting ]

Feel good music in your soul

Hey, Petey.

[ Snorting ] Huh?

Come on. What a pig.

Hey. Hey, hey

Hey Pocky Way

Want to go for a ride?

Old McHale had a farm

E-I-E-I-O

Come on, sing with me.

And on his farm

he had a pig

I'm not groovin'

[ Petey Continues Snorting ]

gonna make you feel good

Feel good

music in your soul

it's gonna make your body, rock and roll

roll

Hey. Hey, hey

[ Snorting ]

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You are so lucky.

I wish I could fit in that box.

Now go make me some breakfast.

Finally, David,

my stealth boat.

What do you think of her?

Very stealthy, sir.

Alzo, is she ready yet?

I feel like a sunset

cruise this evening.

Very soon, sir. And Major?

I know your nautical knowledge and

experience is somewhat limited,

but just give it a little time.

Hey, can't be the second-greatest

terrorist in the world forever.

Roberto, my boy.

You've definitely

got some talent.

Vladakov?

[ Object Approaching Rapidly ]

[ Groaning ]

[ Coughing ]

Ahoy, McHale!

How are you enjoying

your retirement?

Fine, fine. It's just not as peaceful

as I'd like it to be right now.

I haven't seen you since Panama.

What have you been up to?

I've been looking

all over for this.

Oh, you know, the usual. Madness,

mayhem, death and destruction.

Yeah, me too.

Listen, I'd have you up, but

it's a little messy right now.

Why don't you stay right there?

Yeah, right.

Damn. [ Vladakov Laughing ]

Stand by for further air conditioning.

[ Electronic Beeps ]

What a dick.

[ Squealing ]

[ Continues Squealing ]

Come on, Petey.

Watch out! [ Squealing ]

Whoa!

[ Yelling ]

Hold on!

Go warn the others!

[ Bleating ]

[ Panting ]

[ Mechanical Whirring ]

[ Machine Guns Firing ]

Oh!

[ Laughing ]

[ Engine Starts ]

Sh*t!

Yes!

Whoa!

[ Mechanical Whirring ]

Well, McHale, I guess

this makes us even.

[ Gasping ]

Order arms!

That, in case you are

unfamiliar with it,

was our national anthem.

And you slobs, in case you

are unfamiliar with it,

are in the United States Navy.

Not McHale's Navy;

the United States Navy!

There'll be no more

sloppiness, no more fun,

and most definitely,

no more McHale.

McHale!

[ Men Shouting ]

Call 911. Call 911.

Hey, hey, hey. Wha--

What am I going

to do with you, Quint?

Well, how about

a sponge bath for starters,

and maybe later a foot massage?

[ Chuckling ]

Personality intact.

You were out for a while.

What happened?

Uh, some crazed East

German blew up my boat.

Which reminds me, you gotta

hand me my underwear.

I have to go kill him now.

Mm-hmm.

[ Door Opens ] [ Carpenter ]

Atten-hut!

We haven't met, McHale,

so I'll be brief.

My name is Captain

Wallace B. Binghampton.

That's brief?

I'm the new commanding officer.

And you, mister, are a

bootlegger and a smuggler.

- I don't believe we've met. I'm Quinton McHale.

- Lieutenant Penelope Carpenter.

- You know, your boyfriend's kind of rude.

- I'm not her boyfriend.

- Did you guys break up?

- She was never my girlfriend.

- Just lovers, huh?

- You listen to me, mister.

When I'm done with you,

you're gonna wish...

whoever you tangled with last

night had finished you off.

Captain, please, this man has

just been through a major trauma.

Plus I'm due for a sponge bath.

You're under arrest. Throw

this bum in the brig!

- Lieutenant?

- What is it?

You know, I used to be

in the Navy too.

And I'm sure they threw a

big party after you left.

Well, as a matter of fact--

You know, it seems like she hates me, but

I'm sure it's all part of her master plan.

Don't just stand there,

boys, grab a sponge!

[ Roberto ] I tell you guys

something strange is going on on

the other side of the island.

[ Boy ] What's your

problem, dude?

You always think something's

going on, but nothing ever is.

You're living in a James

Bond fantasy world.

You have to get in

touch with reality.

[ Men Shouting ]

What's that noise?

Come on, let's go.

[ Shouting Continues ]

Fantasy world, huh?

This looks pretty real to me.

I must maintain discipline. These

men must be taught a lesson.

I understand that sir but

you're just taking it...

a little too far, that's all.

[ Vladakov laughing ]

Come on, let's go.

Well, David, where were we?

Of course you had a traumatic

childhood, Uh-huh.

But there are better ways to deal

with people than just shooting them.

Well, what do you suggest, David?

Good afternoon, Major.

Yes, yes, what do you

want, you island wart?

B-But, uh, Major, please. Major!

The people from the

village near here,

they have very little.

They have you.

You said no one would

even know you were here.

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