McHale's Navy Page #5

I can't believe he'd do something this big

on the doorstep of a U.S. naval base.

- How do you know this chump?

- We lived together for a while.

Oh. I didn't know. Not that

I'm judging you or anything.

At Quantico. He trained as a

double agent under Cobra.

Oh. I heard that this guy's

supposed to be like...

the second-best terrorist

in the world.

Yeah but he wanted to be the

best, and then got greedy.

[ McHale ]

After we captured him, the Pentagon said..

We couldn't keep both of them,

so we had to let him go.

So he got away clean?

Not exactly. We made a

little detour on the way.

My name and this face are two

things he's never gonna forget.

- [ All Laughing ]

- What?

[ Parker ] Help! Help!

-What is that?

Help! Help! Help!

Help! Help! Help!

McHale!

Fish him out, boys.

-Help!

Help!

Help! Help!

Oh! Thanks. Thanks, guys.

Thanks. Thanks, guys.

Thanks. Thanks. Oh!

I saw fish out there, big fish.

I saw a marlin--

I bet you're wondering what I'm doing

with a piece of driftwood on my head?

That's only one

of many questions.

Don't you want to hear about the driftwood?

I was going for a natural look.

Let him go, guys

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, guys.

Guys, come on. This is

really uncomfortable.

Binghampton sent you here

to spy on us, didn't he?

I'm not tellin'you a thing until you pop me.

Come on and pop me!

What are you gonna do

with that thing?

[ Hissing ] Aaahhh!

[ Screaming ]

[ Grunts, Groans ]

You okay, Parker?

Put me in the game, coach.

-I'll get a touchdown fourth quarter.

-Snap out of it.

Since we've already burst your bubble,

I'm gonna lay it to you straight.

We're goin' to Vladakov's and find out

how come he put a terrorist camp...

in our friendly

little neighborhood here.

Now, if you wanna tell Binghampton,

I'd be happy to take you there,

but I think you'd rather

stay here and help us out.

You gonna give me something

important to do?

Absolutely.

I love you guys! Buddy check!

All right, watch my fins. Guys,

watch my-- [ Grunts, Yells ]

Come on, stupe. Hurry up. I'm

cuttin' as fast as I can.

-Turn 'em around the right way

-Sorry, it didn't come with a manual

That's gonna be a pretty

big satellite station.

Looks like it, doesn't it?

We're in.

All right, Gruber, Willie,

check out the far side.

Right. Christy,

Virgil, go south.

South. Happy and I

are gonna go north.

What do you want me to do?

That's our only way out of here.

Guard it.

[ indistinct Chatter ]

[ Chatter Continues ]

Willie, look at that rocket.

That's big enough

to start World War III.

[ Shouting indistinct ]

Whoa! Yes!

I bet this is their

munitions depot.

Gee. You suppose?

[ Carl ] Major? Yes?

Everything appears to be on schedule

for rendezvous with Feckler.

With no complications, we are

fully operational in 35 hours.

There will be no complications!

I will neither allow

nor tolerate failure!

Speaking of which,

where is my vodka?

Has it arrived yet?

You! Go and see!

Schnell! Schnell!

Real important part

the mission.

Oh, they couldn't

do without me.

Let's see how they feel when they

don't have Equipment Guy there at--

[ Laughing ]

[ Laughing,

Chatting In Russian ]

[ Rattling, Metal Clanking ]

[ Snoring ]

You okay? Yeah, yeah.

Fine. Let's go.

What's that? We need it.

- It's cable-ready.

- Come on, guys.

Why don't you just put up a big sign

that says we came here and stole stuff?

[ Bottles Rattling ]

Okay, we can't take everything.

Um, leave the guns.

[ Vladakov ] Everything is going

beautifully and according to plan.

There's no need to keep

calling me all the time.

[ All Speaking At Once ]

Hello! Hello!

We are not going to get anywhere

if you all talk at the same time.

Listen, we know you're a little sensitive when

it comes to what appears to be criticism.

[ Chinese Leader ] When dealing

with the number two terrorist,

there's reason to be concerned

We need reassurances that

everything is all right.

Let me assure you that--

Major, something terrible has happened!

Someone has stolen a--

- just give me a minute.

- [ Leaders Arguing ]

I am sorry. I am sorry.

I am so, so sorry.

What is it?

Someone has stolen a piece of the core cylinder.

I thought you would want to know.

L-I could go ahead

and order a replacement,

but I think if they hear from you,

they might move a little faster.

Wait... here.

[ Short Exhale ]

Is something wrong?

What's going on?

We heard something

about stealing.

No, no. Nothing's wrong.

Everything's fine.

- Trust me.

- Hey, we don't appreciate that tone--

So what do you think they're gonna

do with a giant missile thing?

You got me, 'cause they also got a

lot of ground-based assault weapons.

The thing that doesn't

make any sense is:

Doesn't Vladakov know the

second we see that missile,

the troops are gonna come in

and wipe him out?

Parker? What? I

didn't do anything.

- What happened?

- [ Sighs ]

I'm a terrible officer.

I got pouty, I wandered off

and, well, then I broke this.

Skip?

You think you can rustle up one of

those vid-links for me real quick?

That's why I'm here.

-Great work, Parker.

-Thanks a lot, Skip.

That's better. That's better.

You say one of your men

disengaged the core cylinder?

That's brilliant! Yeah, thanks, but I

think it's only gonna slow Vladakov down.

It's not gonna stop him. It'll give us time

to come up with a plan to neutralize him.

We better quick; he's building a satellite

dish that's gonna be operational soon.

He also mentioned, uh, a rendezvous

with someone named Feckler?

Feckler?

He knows about Feckler?

- Who's Feckler?

- It's the name of my pet project.

The world's most advanced--

and until now--

Secret Satellite Tracking Weapons

Guidance System, or SiTWiGS.

- Why'd you call it Feckler"?

- We already had something called SiTWiGS."

Here. Let me

show you something.

The satellite is a G.P.S. system

for missile guidance.

It enables us to hit any target

in the world within six inches.

It comes around once a day

to change its launch codes.

Yeah, but from what I saw, Vladakov's

set up to steal those codes.

That's why I need you

to try and jam Vladakov

to buy us some time

until we can get there.

I'll get back to you.

Cobra out.

Can we do it, Willie?

Well, not with our equipment.

They have that Soviet-era crap.

We're gonna need the same

stuff to be compatible.

-How we gonna dig that up?

-When I think of Soviet-era crap, I think of Cuba.

Welcome to Cuba, boys.

Land of oppression

and opportunity.

Hello, Havana. I am gonna score enough

cigars to keep me puffin' for a year.

-Hey, guys, we are here on a mission.

-I got a mission of my own.

[ Laughing ] Knock it off, guys!

Come on. We got a job to do.

All right, fellas, listen up.

I'm gonna go in and make the deal.

I'll be right back.

You guys just hang out, okay?

Hang out.

-All right, who's got the Hackey Sack?

-Got it.

Oh, oh, oh. I got it.

Ow! Where'd it go?

Excuse me. ls Armando around?

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