McHale's Navy Page #7

Wait a minute. I am a bettin' man.

I'm gonna bet on me, and

I think you should too.

Everything's

gonna be okay, kid.

All right?

Now, listen.

I need to go take a shower.

So you know what that means?

Don't ush. That's right.

[ Soldiers Shouting ]

Major, everything seems

to be on schedule,

uh, except

for the core cylinder.

And where is it?

They promised it soon.

-The plane! The plane!

-Don't shoot.

It's one of ours.

Aaah!

Our new cylinder has arrived.

-And look! There's a note.

-Yes?

Dear Vladakov,

We have found out about this.

"We are not very happy,

you lying sack of--"

Brilliance, intestinal fortitude,

exibility in crisis...

a-and tolerance?

I've just flashed upon a happier time.

[ Both Chuckling ]

I would run.

Schnell! Schnell!

[ Computers, Radar Beeping ]

Hey, Skip. It's Cobra.

McHale, our operatives

have discovered...

that Vladakov plans

to destroy the Pentagon.

It must be 'cause they're havin' that

world conference on terrorism this week.

Right. And the President's gonna be there

along with heads of 27 other countries.

Boy, he wants to be

number one real bad.

He's a loose cannon and he knows

how we operate. Be careful.

We will, sir. I've got a great crew

and we've got the equipment we need.

We're gonna be ready

to go in about an hour.

-McHale.

-Hey, I thought you killed that guy.

[ Grunting ] [ Pistol Firing ]

-Ow!

-Did I get him?

[ Whimpering, Groaning ]

Not quite, sir.

[ Door Closes ]

-So, is this gonna work?

-I hope so.

Don't let that idiot

Binghampton get in your way.

He's too busy gettin' in his own way, sir.

- Hey, you still stockin' that good cognac?

- Yeah. Why?

Because when I get down there this

afternoon with the SEAL team...

we'll need somethin' to

toast with when it's all over.

- All right, then.

- We'll talk soon.

Aye-aye.

[ Klaxon ]

[ Klaxon Continues ]

-Major! Major! Hurry!

-If you ever dare to intrude upon my shower again,

I shall make sure that

your death will be slow,

public and require at least

six separate coffins.

Do you understand?

Wait a minute. Aren't you the

one I told to alert me...

when the time was growing near, so

that I would not miss the big moment?

Well, then.

I'm... sorry.

[ Snickers ]

No problem.

[ Door Closes ]

[ Laughing ]

[ Parker ]

Ladies and gentlemen, and now it's time

To say good evening to my old pal, Happy

[ McHale ] Yeah! Happy!

Happy, now I see

you're all dressed up.

-Now, is this for the party or for a court appearance?

-A little lower.

- [ Laughter ]

- How do you guys find a date?

Mom, I wanna date

my sister

[ Laughter ] No, but seriously,

-you know, Happy, I have a girlfriend

-McHale.

Hey, Carpenter.

What brings you here?

Well, I came to tell you that

I've come to the conclusion...

that Binghampton is an idiot.

But... what are you doing?

Well, we're havin'

a Save the World" party.

Come here.

-How's it iookin', Willie?

-Uh, just lockin' in now. Wish me luck.

Wish you luck? I'm the one who

has to get up there onstage.

-How much time we got?

-Ninety seconds.

Ninety seconds.

Wait right here.

-How long?

-Seventy-five seconds, sir.

-Where's your dinghy, sailor?

-Why, it's where it always is, sir.

Is it hooked up to the masthead?

No, that was just like---

McHale, what is going on?

Vladakov's trying to steal

satellite codes...

so he can launch a missile that

could kill a lot of people.

-Go on.

-So we got all this stuff...

so we could jam his link

to the satellite.

Hopefully, this show will be the

only transmission he receives.

-But why the comedy club? Why all this stuff?

-Look at these people.

A few days ago, they got their

village burned to the ground

but they're here

laughin' their heads off.

That's what I love about

these guys-- their strength.

That's why I do my best

to protect 'em.

-Uh, Skip? It's time.

-Okay.

Be right back.

[ Laughter Continues ]

[ Applause ]

Starting countdown at 20..

19, 18, 17, 16

15,14,13,12,11--

[ Beeping ]

- Six, five

- Four, three

[ Beeping ]

NOW!

Buenos noches,

mujeres y caballeros!

-And welcome to McHa-Ha-Hale's Mambo Party!

-What is this?

I'm not sure, sir.

[ Laughter, Applause ]

[ Mambo ]

So let's get the show

r-r-r-r-r-rolling!

Our first performer-

ya know him, ya love him.

He's the hardest-working

smuggler on the black market.

Give it up for Quinton McHale!

[ Cheering Applause ]

[ Mambo ]

[ Music Stops ]

Thank you, Ensign Parker.

It's good to see ya

back in men's clothing.

McHale!

[ Laughing ]

I'm supposed to tell you about

our drink special tonight--

"Stolen Vodka Surprise."

We stole Vladakov's vodka.

[ All ] Surprise!

So this guy comes up to me and he says,

You know you shouldn't smoke.

We are in a new era.

If we do not devise some

greater and more equitable--

- Anybody here from San Felipe?

- [ Audience Booing ]

Okay, come on.

You're embarrassing me.

And I've got a very special

guest here tonight.

Let's show a little respect for

Lieutenant Penelope Carpenter.

[ Applause, Cheering ]

Now, let's give her big San Moreno welcome! Yes!

Yeah!

[ Crowd Cheering ]

- This guy goes to this house of ill repute-

- I'm sorry.

I-I don't know what

has happened.

I can't seem to stop

the transmission.

How is this possible?

You have to fix this!

This is horrible!

Oh, I don't know.

I thought the black guy was pretty good.

[ Groans ]

I mean, compared to the fat white guy.

[ Continues Groaning ]

You don't really want

to shoot me, do you?

- [ Grunting ]

- Mm-mmm.

- You!

- [ Shrieks ]

[ Shell Falling ]

[ Man Groaning ]

[ Straining ]

Here. Your lunch.

- Thank you.

- No problem.

Oh, my God.

[ Sighs ]

A completely unmotivated,

random killing.

All right, now I'd like to introduce

you to the Amazing Christy.

[ Cheering ] it's amazing what

he can do with an I.Q. of 40.

[ Laughter, Applause ]

-What do you do for a living? Are you an astronaut?

-Hey. Let's talk.

Come on.

[ Laughing ] [ Booing ]

Knock it off, Virgil This

is harder than it looks.

Now I just gotta figure out

what Vladakov's really up to.

If he just wanted to steal satellite codes,

he wouldn't go about it in this way.

He was a double agent

under Noriega,

and Cobra and I lost the chance to put

him away for good during the invasion.

Unfortunately, intelligence underestimated

the size of Noriega's security force...

and didn't give you

enough backup.

-Yeah.

-I did my thesis...

on the Panama action

while I was at the Academy.

That's good. Have a seat.

[ Chuckles ]

That's right. You were the first

female through the Academy.

-Yes, sir.

-Boy, you put up with a lot of crap.

True.

But I really didn't have

another option.

I love the Navy.

Why'd you quit

the Navy, Quinton?

Well, Penelope,

I quit the Navy...

'cause I got tired of comin'

home from missions

and havin' another Binghampton

waitin' to give me orders.

-Have I mentioned I don't like that guy?

-Yes, which is why I came.

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