Mini's First Time

As many of you know,

the past few months of my life

have been very difficult.

l don't know how l would have gotten

through it without all of you.

l really think it's a testament

of the love in this institution

that l stand before you today

as the first straight-C student

in school history

to be voted

valedictorian.

While l may not have

excelled in the classroom,

l think that

my recent experiences

in that bigger schoolhouse

we call life

has taught me a few lessons l'd like

to share with my fellow graduates:

Follow your heart

and don't question it,

no matter where

it tells you to go.

Trust me, it'll open up a world of new

experiences you can't even imagine.

l bet you're wondering what

a straight-C student is doing

giving

a valedictorian speech.

lt wasn't easy,

believe me.

But with desire, focus

and the willingness to treat

any obstacle as an opportunity,

it's amazing what

you can accomplish.

See, l was blessed

with a terrific mom--

not only is she a lush,

but she also hates me.

A couple of days

before my birthday,

l overhear her ordering me

a male stripper.

Nothing says

''l love you''

like 10'' of man meat

popping out of a cake.

And knowing

dear old Mom,

she'll try and nail him

after the party,

but not before she tends

to more important business

with her new best friend

Jelena Mariskova Flachsman,

the imported trophy wife

of our family lawyer lrv Flachsman.

Peggy told me

you found a new masseur.

- l hear he's...

- You heard right.

So can l have

his number?

Ahem...

we'll see.

That guy next

to Flachsman--

our neighbor

Mike Rudell--

big-shot TV producer

and the guy my mom screws

whenever the batteries

run out.

l'm totally addicted

to his new show.

Welcome to

''Absolutely Positive,''

the show where we give couples

who are about to get married

one last chance

to make sure they're...

- Absolutely positive!

- That's right!

See, l just don't

understand people

who live their lives

as one big routine.

They're basically saying,

''l'm not worthy of a unique

experience on this earth.''

Well, sorry,

but l am.

What the hell is going on?

l told you to wait!

For God's sake,

she's not even here, you moron!

Shake it, baby!

My mother moved out

to LA from Ohio

when she was 20

to become an actress.

After a few years, she got knocked up

by a sleezeball producer

who told her she couldn't be on his show

unless she hoovered me out.

Mom was no genius,

but she was smart enough

to realize that

18 years of child support

was better than a couple of weeks

on his dumb show,

so l got to

stick around.

What Mom didn't count on

was the prick having a heart attack

and croaking

a year after l was born.

Look at me--

see what a happy baby l was?

That's because l wasn't old enough

to understand why she had me.

Here's me

on my first day of school.

Why am l smiling?

Because l got to spend

seven hours a day

with adults who didn't reek

of menthols and cheap Scotch.

That's me at my friend

Kayla's house.

There weren't

any sleepovers at my house.

l couldn't risk it after one

of the scumbags Mom brought home

tried to feel me up

after she passed out.

Kayla's dad

took this one, too.

Mom was sucking off

her producer to get an audition

for some lame show

called ''Bikini Cove.''

Got there late

and missed the whole thing.

Anyway, as far

as my graduation,

this time she had a great excuse

for missing it.

Mini! Mini!

When l call you,

l expect you to answer.

Sorry.

Don't patronize me.

- Sorry.

- lf you're trying to get me to call you

a spoiled little ungrateful b*tch,

you're outta luck.

l won't give you

the satisfaction.

Thanks, Mommy.

l'm going out

and l need you to wait here

for a delivery

from the liquor store.

He should be here

by 7:
00.

Fine.

Hmm.

You should know that skirt

makes your thighs look fat.

Gosh, you're right, Mom.

l'm such a cow.

Honey, if l don't

tell you these things,

who will?

- Okay. Thanks.

- You're welcome.

lt's funny how

my fat thighs

never seemed to bother

what's-his-name from the liquor store.

Hey, Mini.

How're you doing?

So Mom spent the next 12 years trying

to bag another elephant.

Then five years ago,

she met Martin.

He's a partner

at a public relation's firm,

which is ironic

because l can't remember

the last time they were seen

in public together,

or had relations.

You're home early.

Yeah, um...

client canceled

our dinner.

Protecting all those poor,

defenseless oil companies

from those big bad

environmentalists?

Well, somebody's gotta make

the payments on your Beamer.

ls your mother home?

No, she went to some party

off Beachwood.

She was in one

of her happy moods,

so l doubt

she'll be sleeping here,

in case you were thinking

of inviting a guest over.

l wasn't, but thanks

for your concern.

You're going out

on a school night?

Yeah.

Hmm.

Have you finished

your homework?

l haven't even

cracked a book.

To understand me,

you need to understand that life,

in my opinion,

is all about

new experiences.

''Firsts'' is what

l call them.

And the goal of life--

any life--

should be to cram

as many firsts into it as possible.

After popping out of the cake,

l knew l had to top it,

but it was tough--

skydiving,

bungee jumping?

Please. lt's more dangerous getting

on the freeway every day.

Then one night while cruising through

Hollywood, it hit me.

So l went to an escort service just

to see what would happen.

When they found out

how young l was,

they told me they had

a trick for me that night.

My first night as a call girl

was a serious letdown.

The guy said l looked

so much like his niece,

he just started whimpering

and praying for forgiveness.

Honey, what are you

doing here?

Did you have fun

tonight, honey?

For my first night

turning tricks,

it could have

been better.

That's nice.

That's so nice.

Nice, Mom.

ln my bed.

After that night,

l told the escort service,

''No more clients

with a conscience.''

They were happy to oblige

with a last-minute gig

at a corporate fuckpad

an executive keeps.

They said l was

just his type-- young.

lt's open.

Hello?

Can you f***ing believe it?

Uh, hi.

Sorry l'm late.

lt's okay.

Mind if l freshen up?

No, go right ahead.

My own stepdad?

My first thought was

''How sick is he?''

But then l started thinking,

''l'm one to talk,

and well, why not?

l mean, he isn't

my real dad,

and talk about

a first.''

Then l thought, ''lf my mom can do

some strange guy in my bed,

l can do her strange guy

in this bed.''

You doing okay

in there?

Just peachy.

Listen, sugar, would you mind

turning the lights off?.

See, l'm kinda new to all this

and a little shy.

No problem,

but do you think maybe

we could get this show on the road?

Now close your eyes.

Come on.

You won't

keep them shut for long.

Just don't look around.

Now, close your eyes.

l literally couldn't feel

the ground under my feet--

a first

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