Mini's First Time Page #2

to top all firsts.

l knew l'd tell him one day,

but l wanted to savor it for a while.

Hey, you forgot

your keys.

Oh well, here's to

immediate gratification.

You were great.

What?

Oh...

Suddenly, he was

coming home every night

and even started asking me

about my homework.

How're you doin',

kiddo?

How are you making out

with those math problems?

'Cause, you know, if you ever need

any help, l could... you know.

Actually, l was thinking about starting

a 401K plan at work.

Could you help me pick

a good mutual fund?

All you did

was kiss?

Yeah, you don't

believe me?

No, of course,

l believe you.

Yo, Kayla,

l got some more

of what you were looking

for last Saturday night.

Aw, yeah yeah.

Actually, Troy,

l think you confused her

with that senile, toothless

grandmother of yours.

Come on, man.

Yo, Mini,

why don't you use that mouth

for something useful

and suck my dick?

Aw, yeah!

All right.

Hey!

What the fu--

Let me suck your dick, Troy.

You said l could.

- Yo, this ain't funny!

- Come on, baby, take it out!

l'm on my knees, Troy,

come on!

Jesus Christ, Mini!

What the f***?

God damn, Mini!

Wait, l almost had it.

l almost had it.

Here it comes!

What's wrong,

stage fright?

Thank you.

l want you to know

that l feel horrible.

And not about what happened,

because that was an accident.

But l just keep thinking

l didn't know that

you were doing that.

And l just wonder how

things might have been

if you...

had a real father.

So what are

you saying, Martin?

You wanna be

my father now?

To be perfectly honest,

l loved it.

Talk about electric.

Knowing that any moment

she could walk in

was better

than any drug.

Mom thought it was cute

how we'd suddenly grown so close,

and thought it was wonderful how Martin

had taken an interest in my education.

Mini? Mini?

What, you don't know

how to knock?

Have you seen Martin?

No, l can't say

that l have.

He was in his study,

but l haven't been able to find him.

l assume he's gone out, so l've invited

Ricardo over for a cocktail,

and you know how

children make him feel very uneasy.

So l would really

appreciate it

if you and your friend

would stay in here

or use the backdoor

when he arrives.

Okay, not a problem.

Good.

Oh my God!

Now that we were

spending time together,

l actually started to find out

what Martin was like for the first time.

He wasn't the drip

l thought he was.

He was funny...

charming...

sweet...

and even a little shy.

Looking back, that may have been

the moment he fell in love.

This went on

for about two months

before we had the talk

we both knew was coming.

So...

So...

l don't want to sneak around

in my own house.

Well, l don't think

telling her is such a hot idea.

l don't even want to live

under the same roof with her anymore.

You can't leave.

She'll get half.

Can l ask how the hell

you married her without a prenup?

She wasn't as bad

of an actress as you think.

Well, there is

another option.

And what's that?

lt'll take some planning,

some resolve.

- You wanna kill her?

- Yeah.

No! Of course not,

she's my mother.

Good, l'm glad

to hear you say that.

But l was thinking...

if she suddenly got ill...

- lll?

- ...unstable...

unpredictable...

irrational...

dangerous, and the safety

of her husband...

her child...?

She'd have to be

sent someplace

where they could give her

the care she needs.

Yeah.

And it would be

for her own good.

Yeah.

As painful as it would be to be away

from my loving wife.

Well, you did it for the well-being

of your daughter--

the selfless act

of a devoted parent.

We'll find her a very comfortable place

out in the country.

With lots

of fresh air.

lt'll be a much

better life for her.

So much better.

l awoke the next morning

as excited as l could remember.

Unlike most firsts

which are over too quickly,

this would take

determination...

stamina...

and imagination.

l decided

to start simply.

The school nurse, a lush

named Helga Hauptfuhrer--

or ''Der Fhrer,'' as she was

affectionately known--

starts jonesing

for her afternoon nip

about 45 minutes

after lunch each day...

which leaves me free to help

myself to the candy store.

Slipping her the pills

was absurdly easy,

because for Mom,

every morning was Margaritaville

and l was

her bartender.

lt was even easier

when the sun went down.

Mini, Diane,

l'm home.

l turned her nightcap

into an all-nightcap.

And after three days

of this,

the fireworks were

about to begin.

Peggy from Hays, Kansas.

Phase one:

Violent mood swings-

slash-uncontrollable rages.

God damn it.

Damn it! God damn it!

Where are they?

l'm gonna be late!

F***ing sh*t!

Where the f*** are they?

lt took me three weeks

to get the appointment with Fabrizio!

Fabrizio Santano:

Masseuse to the stars

and reported possessor

of one of the biggest schlongs in town.

Rumor has it

he's pourin' the pork

to every rich wife

between Malibu and Pasadena.

Now l'm gonna miss it

because l can't find

my f***ing keys!

l could use

a little help over here!

Diane, do you remember

where you left your keys

when you came home

last night?

Oh yeah, l put them

in the f***ing bowl

next to the f***ing door

like l always f***ing do.

Well, you were kind of

out of it last night.

l was not.

l had one drink

with Peggy-- one!

Are you sure

about that?

- Yes, l'm sure.

- 'Cause you seemed a little bit too--

Dickless wonder.

Mini, l'm taking

your car.

Martin, you drive her

to school.

- l've got a meeting with Chapman.

- Tell him it's an emergency.

- He's one of our biggest clients!

- Who gives a f***?

You're not a dickless wonder.

Thank you.

- Hello, Fabrizio?

- Yes, what is it?

lt's Diane.

Diane Spechtenstein?

- Tannen.

- Oh, l'll be seeing you shortly, no?

Listen, l'm going to have to

cancel our appointment.

Aw, something come up?

Yeah, something came up.

Oh, that's so good.

- Fabrizio.

- Ms. Tannen?

- Jelena?

- Diane, what are you doing here?

- What the hell are you doing here?

- Easy now, Ms. Tannen.

You called.

You canceled 30 minutes ago.

l did not call

and cancel, Fabrizio!

l talked to you myself.

You said something come up.

You knew l had

an appointment today.

Did you call

and pretend to be me?

Are you drunk?

How could l possibly sound like you?

Yeah, that's true.

Five minutes,

Ms. Tannen.

B*tch.

Ms. Tannen,

wait in the recovery room.

Fabrizio, l never need

the recovery room, you know that.

Did l tell you

to stop?

What part of ''Don't stop''

didn't you understand?

- Five minutes.

- But this is my appointment!

Fabrizio, get off of her

right now!

l've got him

for 55 more minutes!

- Wait your turn!

- lt's my turn! lt's my appointment!

Look, if you're not

going to wait outside,

at least shut

your goddamn mouth

and let me

enjoy this!

- Get off of her!

- Don't you f***ing talk to me!

- Right now!

- Throw her out!

- Faster!

- Get off!

Don't or l'll have immigration

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