Mini's First Time Page #3

up your ass!

You sneaky little b*tch!

Do you think

she'll press charges?

Are you f***ing kidding me?

She should get 20 to life.

When l told Peggy and Margo

about the stunt she pulled,

both of them said they would have

ripped her eyes out.

She'll be lucky

if anybody talks to her again.

Here comes

the choo-choo.

For God's sake,

l didn't break both hands!

God, l still can't

believe you broke your hand on her face.

That's so Linda Hamilton.

l hope she enjoys shitting

out the teeth she swallowed.

Phase two:

Wild shopping sprees carried

out in a euphoric state.

Divine Productions,

Carlos speaking.

Hello, Carlos.

lt's Diane Tannen calling.

Seora Tannen.

Listen, l'm going to need

a delivery to the house.

Hey, where do you

want these?

l don't know.

My mom ordered them.

The eucalyptus pods

and bamboo and...

The giraffe can

clean its own ears with its tongue

because the tongue is approximately 21''

long. ls that true or false?

Carlos?! What...?

What the f*** is

going on, Carlos?

Oh, Seora Tannen, it's the stuff

you ordered for the party yesterday.

Ordered? l didn't

order anything!

What the f*** are you

talking about?

- Are you invited?

- l don't think it's a party.

l think they're having

a family event...

a dysfunctional circus.

Mom, look at

the monkey.

You did. You called me

yesterday on the phone. We talked.

l didn't call you!

l did not!

You were talking about

a party on the phone.

Right after you washed

your painkillers--

- Shh!

- Right.

- l didn't...

- You said you wanted--

- ...organize a party, Carlos!

- Shangri-la,

- that's what you said to me.

- Shangri-la, oh yeah.

One, two, three.

l'm coming, l'm coming!

And you're not gonna be

helping me ever again,

because you know what?

You suck.

Oh sh*t!

What the f*** is

going on here, Carlos?

Who ordered

all this stuff?.

l didn't order it.

l wouldn't do anything

without your permission,

but Mrs.--

Seora Tannen...

Martin, l--

Diane...

did you order

all this stuff?.

No, l didn't.

l didn't order anything.

Come inside with me,

Diane, because--

- come inside.

- l didn't order anything!

Over the next few days,

whenever Mom passed out

from too much drinky-drinky,

l'd pull out her wallet

and reach out and touch someone.

After a week of my version

of the Home Shopping Network,

the doorbell might as well

have been a cannon.

Oh God.

Mini! Jesus Christ,

l asked for that drink

10 minutes ago.

Put it here.

Help me.

You're welcome.

Jesus Christ.

Anything else

l can do for you?

Mm...

Sweetie, that is yummy.

What's in it?

Phase three:

Rambling

incoherent monologues in public.

l just clammed up, you know,

lt was just weird.

You know, eventually

l just said to him,

''Sorry, Fabrizio, but it's just not

a safe haven anymore.''

She has ruined it

for all of us.

Oh boy, oh boy.

You know--

- You know l love you!

- She looks so lovely, doesn't she?

She looks lovely, but l'm gonna take out

a restraining order. l got news for you.

What happened--

yeah, l heard about that incident.

Here she comes.

Jelena, my God,

your dentist is a genius.

l'd never know those

weren't your real teeth.

You stay the hell

away from me, you psycho,

- You're lucky l didn't--

- l'm lucky? No no no no.

Let me tell you something:

Fabrizio will not return my calls

because of you,

you f***ing b*tch!

Let me tell you something:

That sh*t may fly in Siberia,

but it does not fly

on Mulholland, you got it?!

- She hit my wife.

- Really?

Like l said,

get some help!

Yeah well,

whatever.

She's f***ing

unbelievable!

l'm telling you,

the best thing l ever did

was break my hand

on that b*tch's face.

- Yeah.

- l think she's troubled, you know?

She has a beautiful nose.

l love her nose.

l feel f***ing fantastic!

Like, l feel like

l could run a marathon,

- you know what l mean?

- ...each and every juror in the eye.

Juries!

Can l please come over

and talk to you about juries?

l've always wanted to say

the words, ''You're guilty!''

What do you guys think happens in those

sequestered situations?

Do you think they have sex, the jurors?

l think they really get it on.

Are you looking

at my tits?

You crazy f***!

Oh, you know,

l was an actress.

l don't know if you

know that about me.

l almost had this role

on ''Bikini Cove.''

l almost had two lines.

My one line would have been this:

''Um, l'll have another

sex on the beach.''

Mmm.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Oh my God!

Sh*t.

What do you want?!

Oh my God!

Oh my God!

Sh*t!

Oh, please, God!

- Please... ma'am?

- 911 emergency, please hold.

F*** f*** f***!

Oh my God!

Oh my God!

Oh my God,

oh my God!

Sh*t, oh my God.

Oh my God!

Oh God!

Oh, sh*t!

Oh God! Sh*t!

Help!

Oh my God,

oh my God!

Our work finished.

We returned home expecting to find her

blabbering like a three-year-old.

Mom, we're home.

Diane, honey...

we brought you

a pulled pork plate.

Diane, wake up.

lt's us.

Wake up, Mommy.

Diane, come on.

Diane, come on,

wake up.

Martin, l just picked these sleeping

pills up for her yesterday.

l suppose we should

call an ambulance.

Do you really think

they can save her?

l don't know.

She'll only try it again,

you know she will.

She will if we keep

torturing her like this.

Mini, this is wrong.

l'm gonna call an ambulance.

Hold on,

wait wait wait.

Who are we to say

her choice is wrong?

She put the pills

in her mouth.

l thought we agreed

that murder was out.

l wouldn't exactly

call this murder.

l mean, if anything, we're just helping

to fulfill her last wish.

Mini, she wouldn't have

done this unless we--

Mini, for God's sake,

the woman still has a pulse.

All right, look, you can

cut the indignant outrage,

because if you really cared, you would

have already dialed 911.

Can't we just admit

how lucky we both are?

This is the perfect alibi--

she put the drugs in her system.

You're saying we should

just leave her here.

Can you think of one person

who would say she's sane at this point?

We're so close

to being free.

Let's just let nature

take its course.

So we passed the time

watching my favorite show.

Our first couple's

from Bakersfield, California--

Suzanne Terasado

and Gene Scalzo.

They're gonna get married

in three weeks, folks.

Date's coming up

pretty soon, huh?

Don't answer that question.

But first,

we send you out

on some dates huh?

- We have to speed this up.

- What?

We can't wait anymore,

Martin, okay?

Our alibi's only believable

for maybe another hour.

We can say

we went to a movie after dinner,

but if she doesn't croak by midnight,

we can forget about this.

What exactly

are you suggesting?

Come on,

we don't have time.

Look, if we're gonna

screw up the details,

we might as well call San Quentin

and tell them to fire up the Dutch oven.

You almost finished?

What's the one thing

all her friends

are gonna be talking about

when they find out?

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