Misery Loves Comedy Page #8

Yeah, but does that really exist?

And what... how can you break

somebody's heart, you know?

Their heart's gonna break

on their own or it's not.

Here's the evolution of it,

I think.

It's first,

I want you to like me.

Then I want you to tell me

that I'm normal.

And then, "Listen, can I tell you guys

about this thing that happened to me?"

And the relief of,

"Yeah, I totally get

what you're saying."

That's happened to me, too.

And I think the older you get,

the more mature you become,

the more you really feel

that connection.

Even if they're just sitting there

in silence during the setup,

you really feel

that we are just talking here

and we understand each other.

And it's not so much

about me being understood,

it's about

we understand each other.

I...

This is a horrible thing,

but my dog, um,

died from a thing that I did.

Like, I removed a ramp from

the backyard to the front yard

and I forgot to put it back

and she extreme sports'd it

three-and-a-half feet

to her death.

And I felt terrible about that

and I do a whole shtick about it.

But the great thing is,

like, after shows,

people would be like,

"I sat on my rabbit!"

Like, you're, like...

"I squeezed my hamster too hard.

I thought I was hugging it."

"Oh, yeah, okay,

right, right, like..."

You become a safe haven.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, uh, just...

Like, it doesn't become this private,

horrible, horrible thing.

And it took me years to really

understand that's what you're doing.

You know, the desire

to control an audience.

Or is it a desire to connect?

Is it a desire to say,

"Hey, we're all together,

"I'm part of you,

I got in there,

we have a recognition,

we know each other."

And thereby, I go,

"Okay, I do know who I am."

There's two kinds of laughs.

There's the kind of laugh

you get when you...

you do a good gag and do it well

and the audience laugh.

And then there's the other gag.

The other kind of joke you do,

when you say something

which reveals a truth

about the way men behave

or the way women behave

or something that everyone in

the room acknowledges is true,

all at the same time,

and they laugh,

and their laugh is

a laugh of recognition.

And that kind of laugh

comes from the gut,

because they're laughing

'cause they go,

you've just shone a light

on what it is to be human.

You could, you know,

walk into a notes session

and you could threaten

to walk off a movie

if you change

one frame of that gag

'cause I am sure that this works

and I will not change it.

It ruins the character, if...

You don't understand

what movie we're making.

This is something that's

important to me and I am...

This is... I will

go to the mat on this one.

You show it to an audience,

if it doesn't get a laugh,

you're back in the editing room,

"Okay, let's blow this thing up."

What do we do here?

Let's recut it.

Anybody have any ideas?

And that's, I guess,

our greatest success,

is creating that image

in their brain.

If it's a story piece

and they can see it, hear it,

taste it, smell it,

and then, boom.

The fireworks go off.

Every comedian will tell you

the most entertaining

show to watch

is your good friend who you know

is really funny,

on stage, struggling.

Bombing so hard, but I had to

keep doing the impression

and I'm talking like Cliff...

Hey, there, Normy.

You know, the actual fact...

And I was looking, Jon Stewart was

in the crowd and he was going...

He was going...

Like...

There's a show where I've never

bombed so badly in my life.

I went on and I f***ing tanked.

I was a Saturday night.

I did two shows

and the audience stared at me

and it was a living hell.

It was a nightmare and I bombed.

Never forget, it's the only time

I've ever bailed on my time.

You know, everyone bombs.

And again, you know,

what might be a bomb today

might be considered

grand art 10 years from now.

I find stand-up really tough,

'cause if it's not great,

I find that the actor in me

just wants to die.

I have to leave the theater.

If they're dying,

I'm dying worse.

I so vicariously

suffer with them,

but when they're

good at it, it just...

it's a mystery to me.

I don't get how they do it.

I wouldn't do stand-up

with a gun to my head.

What goes through your

mind when you just hear

crickets in the audiences?

Uh, failing on stage

as a stand-up

is a quick descent into,

"They hate me,

"my life has no value, uh,

I'm alone,

I'll never be funny again."

My father watched me

get no laughs

on my set... like, none.

And I got off stage, 17,

and I went to the bathroom

and had a little cry

and then I got

in the car with my dad,

and my dad said, he goes,

"Aw, I don't think this

is for you, mate,

"this is not a bad little hobby.

And, you know, if it means

anything, I think you're funny."

You know, he was very

supportive, but he told me

to quit it and I did.

I did one more go,

and it went average,

and I thought, "Well,

this is it, it's not for me."

The one thing I think is a common

denominator of all comedians

and that is a bond.

Is that, uh,

in order to become a comic,

pay attention,

you have to love

watching yourself die.

You have to... because

when you're learning it,

you're bombing a lot,

there's more than crickets,

there's hate.

There's, like, sharks,

and you're bleeding

and they're nipping,

and, you know...

One of the great lines

ever yelled at me,

"Why don't you go home

and gargle with razorblades?"

Which crippled me.

I laughed so f***ing hard,

I said,

"I'm done, you win, that's...

that's so good,

I'm gonna use it."

Probably one... maybe

the first or second time I ever,

like, bombed, I don't know why,

but my fight-or-flight

instinct kicked in

and evidently, it was flight.

I was supposed to do

seven minutes

and I got up there

and I already told the host

what my closer was,

and I got up there and I did

probably three minutes of my act

to silence,

and then I was like,

"Well, I have four minutes left

and I'm not gonna spend it in

four more minutes of silence,"

so I just immediately

jumped to my closer,

which takes... probably

took about 35 seconds,

and I did my closing bit

and went, "All right, thanks."

Total time on stage was probably

four minutes, if that.

And then one of

the other comics went,

"Yeah, I know, it sucks to eat

sh*t, but you can't do that."

I was like, "Oh, really?

I can't just bail if it's not going well?"

"No!"

This did happen recently,

semi-recently, Spinal Tap,

based on this movie I did

with Rob Reiner, Harry Shearer,

Michael McKean,

we have played live

for the last 30 years,

and we were doing

a show in Canada.

That's because at that point,

you're gonna

cut to a maple leaf.

Um, we did a live performance

and it was nothing.

I mean, zero. It wasn't...

There was no recognition.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Spinal Tap.

Singing, playing, big bottom.

Jesus.

And then we said...

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