MoDeRn WaRfArE 2

---

Note:
This isn't the actual MW2, but a spoof that I decided to publish because I thought maybe someone would get a kick out of it, I dunno.

FADE IN:

EXT. AFGHANISTAN - DAY

For no other reason than to be somewhat topical and relevant, we start in AFGHANISTAN with an obligatory TRAINING SECTION. DEVELOPER INFINITY WARD throws a DART at a LIST OF PLAYER CHARACTERS and it lands on PRIVATE ALLEN.

PRIVATE ALLEN:

We’re now actually naming the Middle-Eastern country we’re in? Whew, I don’t have to worry about dying from a nuclear blast.

SERGEANT FOLEY:

Private Allen, show these indigenous soldiers the superiority of the American way by aiming down your sights.

PRIVATE ALLEN:

What if I don't want to?

SERGEANT FOLEY:

Nothing is going to happen until you do as you're told.

PRIVATE ALLEN:

Ah, good to see we're still adhering to the strict level of trigger-based linearity the Call of Duty series has come to be known for.

SERGEANT FOLEY:

(Chuckles)

Oh, you just wait.

PRIVATE ALLEN:

What's that supposed to mean?

SERGEANT FOLEY:

Nothing. Mount up!

SERGEANT FOLEY leads his squad into an AFGHAN CITY to kill MILITANTS until they die from it. PRIVATE ALLEN excels in blindly following orders and takes the notice of GENERAL SHEPHERD.

GENERAL SHEPHERD

Private Allen, I am recruiting you into Task Force 141. Your job will be to go undercover and infiltrate an extremely dangerous terrorist group led by one Vladimir Makarov. You will earn his trust and work alongside him while gathering intelligence.

PRIVATE ALLEN:

Uhm, please be kidding. I'm a grunt. My only method of communication is through a gun. Such undercover operations are carried out by highly trained professionals who have the endurance and psychological faculty to project and maintain a secondary identity. I don't even speak any Russian.

GENERAL SHEPHERD

Oh, don't worry. You don't need to speak at all for this sort of thing. But you apparently do need a giant tattoo across your chest.

Meanwhile...

EXT. KAZAKHSTAN MOUNTAIN RANGE - DAY

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH and GARY “ROACH” SANDERSON are perched over a steep-as-f*** DROP on a narrow-as-f*** LEDGE made entirely out of slippery-as-f*** ICE.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Break’s over, Roach. Let's go.

ROACH:

This was a break? Mother of God, I’ve withered my fingers to the bone holding on for dear life!

They clamber up an ICE WALL, reenact a ridiculous scene from the movie VERTICAL LIMIT and then infiltrate an airbase occupied by ENEMY SOLDIERS to retrieve part of a CRASHED SATELLITE. ROACH bumbles around like an IDIOT and is SHOT REPEATEDLY.

ROACH:

Oh God, their guns shoot strawberry jam! IT’S IN MY EYES!

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

I think that's blood. Just go sit in a corner and wait for it to ooze off.

Then, CAPTAIN MACTAVISH' HAT flies off. ROACH starts LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

What? Is it the mohawk?

ROACH:

It's not the mohawk. It's your -- accent.

(Beat)

Okay, it's totally the mohawk. What the hell, dude? You think you're a World War 2 paratrooper or something?

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Look, they wanted to give me a distinguishing visual characteristic, and a f***ing mohawk's the best they could come up with.

They find the SATELLITE stored in a hangar adjacent to a LAB where its ACS MODULE was analyzed.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Roach, go get the ACS module. It'll be whatever's glowing bright yellow.

ROACH:

Wait a second. The Russians took this satellite and emulated its technology specifically to avoid the U.S.' tracking systems and facilitate an invasion of its capital. But there are no grounds for hostilities unless, God forbid, some nutter soon plans to frame an American in a terrorist attack on Russian soil. So is Russia itself preparing an invasion regardless of any provocation?

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Uhh -- you see -- the thing is -- oh hey, snowmobiles!

ROACH:

Snowmobiles? Awesome! Let’s spit physics in the face and make ludicrous jumps down steep hills and across gorges!

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

You can ride them one-handed while accurately firing a gun as well!

ROACH:

Can I reload using only one hand?

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

You can do anything as long as you look cool while doing it!

All of this HAPPENS. Then DEVELOPER INFINITY WARD forgets he just opened everybody’s ADRENAL GLANDS and cuts straight to the most IMPACTFUL SCENE IN THE GAME.

INT. ZAKHAEV AIRPORT - DAY

VLADIMIR MAKAROV and his MEN are about to seriously F*** SH*T UP.

VLADIMIR MAKAROV

Remember, no Russian. I'm looking at you, new guy I seemingly trust.

PRIVATE ALLEN:

Good thing I don't speak any Russian to begin with! So, there must be a reason we're in an elevator at a public airport wearing body armour and carrying a shitload of heavy weapons. I mean, a reason I haven't already inferred from all the pre-release hooplah surrounding this scene.

The elevator doors open to a CONCOURSE filled to the brim with INNOCENT CIVILIANS. Even though they have PUPPY-DOG EYES and show pictures of their LOVED ONES, they are all brutally KILLED without pause or regard.

VLADIMIR MAKAROV

Hey everybody! The new guy just killed three cops with one grenade! Mad props!

PRIVATE ALLEN:

Oh God, this is horrible!

DEVELOPER INFINITY WARD

We want you to feel the gut-wrenching conflict of a man forced to perform reprehensible and inhumane acts in order to maybe avert some greater threat which will end up happening anyway.

PRIVATE ALLEN:

Yeah, I’m not really feeling conflicted since I know any effort I take to stop this massacre from happening results in a game over scenario. Now I know what Sergeant Foley meant. He would scoff at you guys for firing from the hip, by the way. You're spraying bullets everywhere.

VLADIMIR MAKAROV

Sergeant Foley? We have an American traitor in our midst! Kill him!

PRIVATE ALLEN is SHOT in the FACE. VLADIMIR MAKAROV drives off in an ambulance which for some reason isn’t stopped by the POLICE TROOPS swarming into the airport.

EXT. RIO DE JANEIRO - DAY

By tracing back the SHELL CASINGS from VLADIMIR MAKAROV’s attack, TASK FORCE 141 finds a possible connection in an ARMS DEALER who is randomly BRAZILIAN.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

What the f*** are we doing in Brazil all of a sudden?

GENERAL SHEPHERD

The developer really wanted a level set in a favela. Err -- I mean you’re tracking down a lead that is only required to set up the next plot point.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Those two seem kinda related.

ROACH:

If there’s anything I’ve learned so far, it’s that we can’t question orders. LET’S GO! HURRRRR!

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Okay, just don't shoot the arms dealer. I feel like tackling him off a terrace and piledriving him onto a car roof.

This predictably HAPPENS. The ARMS DEALER is then TORTURED because F*** THAT GUY.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Nikolai, we're about to run through the favela while being shot at from f***ing everywhere. Meet us at the end.

Rate this script:4.5 / 4 votes