Moms' Night Out

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Okay.

It's blog time.

I am a mommy blogger.

I am a mommy blogger.

Get ready, world, for some pearls

of wisdom, coming at you right now.

So here we go!

I got three followers.

Yesterday I had four,

so that's awesome.

My audience awaits.

It's 5:
00 a.m. Do you know

where your children are?

Mine are in bed.

I should be in bed.

It's Mother's Day.

But I'm not. Wanna know why?

Because I'm a clean freak!

I am talking freaky, deaky, Dutch.

If you were to lock me away in a

white room, in a straitjacket,

it would actually feel comforting.

As long as the walls were

spotless and nobody wore shoes.

I can actually feel

the house getting dirty.

Like I have nerve

endings in the carpet.

And it affects me.

Wanna know how?

First, I feel distracted.

"Distracted."

D-I-S... Oh, what was I...

So, see, like right now,

I'm thinking of the cleaning

supplies I left out

and how one of the kids is

gonna get up and drink Clorox

and then I'd end up having

to call Poison Control,

and they'd say,

"Sorry, Mrs. Field,

too many times this month."

And take my kids away.

Too many times

this month, Ms. Field.

We're here to take

your children away.

I've played it all out.

I'm sure you've

played this all out.

Which is kind of morbid.

After I feel distracted,

I feel stressed.

Then I have a moment.

Mom!

Mommy!

I am talking to Daddy!

This is me having a moment

with my daughter.

Hon, about the stress level.

- What?

- Well, it's a little high.

- Gee, uh...

- The kind of psycho thing you just did...

Did you just call me psycho?

- No! No. No. No.

- Did you just call me psycho?

It was a little psycho.

This is me having a moment

with some helpless newlyweds.

We just wanted to

say congratulations!

And savor this moment in your life!

So when I started to speak,

I thought it would help.

But then the words just started

coming out of me like lava.

Because you're gonna blink,

seriously, like, blink

and it's all gonna be over

and replaced with

just volume, like...

Mom!

Amazing, amazing

beautiful volume...

Look at that. Look at

that look on her face.

That's the look of a girl

whose fairytale just ended.

I murdered it.

I am a fairytale murderer.

You can only take so much

before you crack!

- Don't.

- No.

I'm like the Bruce Banner

of stay-at-home moms.

He doesn't want to turn into

the Hulk. It just happens.

Which is exactly how I feel.

I love my kids.

I love my husband. My minivan,

my minivan is awesome.

I have this incredible life.

So, why do I feel this way?

Mom!

Mom!

Mommy!

Oh.

Oh.

Surprise! We made you eggs!

With sugar!

Mother's happy day!

I should be happy that

they're making me breakfast.

Instead, all I see is salmonella.

Salmonella everywhere.

On the floor, on the

counter, on my children.

I'm a salmonella-phobe.

Last week this happened to

a doll and I burned it!

Okay, so I didn't realize that

that was Bailey's favorite doll,

and I do feel bad about that.

We're gonna play a little

game! Everybody freeze!

Beck, no. Do not put that...

Oh, no. No, no, he's gonna eat it.

He'll put that in

his mouth and become

one of the estimated

400 people that die

from acute salmonella poisoning,

which I read about on a blog

somewhere. Yeah, okay. I gotta go.

Do not put that finger in your...

Hello, may Field's

residence, please?

Well, how about you try,

"This is the Fields' residence.

How may I help you?"

Daddy!

Hey, is Mommy there?

Mom! Phone!

Wow.

Bailey, I'm up here!

Beck? Beck?

Here's Daddy.

Hello? Hey, hon.

Sean, please tell me you're

on a flight right now.

It's Mother's Day.

Happy Mother's Day.

That's where we

should have started.

Yes, thank you. Fine. I just...

Why I need you on a flight...

- That's all right.

- Yes, baby.

- They canceled three flights on me.

- Mommy, I made you this.

The airlines are taking care of it.

I got a direct flight. Hello?

You made this for me?

You wanna know why you're so big?

Why?

Because you love us

the most of everybody.

Where's Daddy?

Up in the plane in the sky,

where he always is.

Ouch. That's not right.

Mom! Beck's playing

in the toilet again!

No, no, no. Not the potty.

Not the potty! Not the potty!

It's fine.

Beck!

Oh.

Sean, I don't know.

I'm thinking maybe I don't wanna

celebrate Mother's Day ever again.

Why would you say that?

Because I am terrible at

this, in every single way.

So just do not celebrate me!

What? Come on.

You are an awesome mom.

The kids are messy, you know.

Kids get messy.

Oh, yeah?

I ran out of space, so I

did the rest on the wall.

On the wall?

She's writing on the wall?

What kind of markers is she using?

The come-off kind? Hello?

You got kids? Want mine?

Ah.

Hey.

Now that's a mom.

Talk about perfect.

Oh, yeah, I bet she has a nanny.

Okay, everybody, best

behavior. It's Mother's Day.

Mommy, let me do it.

No, baby. We're running

really late today, okay?

Let me!

Mom, slow down.

Walk with me, Zoe.

Just walk and talk.

But, Mom, you're, like,

the fastest person on Earth.

This is Sondra.

My Catcher in the Rye. My crutch.

My Dr. Phil, Oprah and Gandalf all

rolled into one ball of goodness.

Her only perceived flaw is that she

has no idea what auto-correct is.

No. No, no, that's not what I...

Oh! Technology!

Mom, it's really...

It's just a dance

and there's gonna

be some laser lights

and some glow sticks and that's it.

A rave is not a dance.

Trust your mother.

But, Mom, a lot of the

kids from church are...

- Uh, uh, uh...

- They're even...

- I don't care!

- Seriously?

I don't care!

- Come on, have a heart.

- Zoe!

Mom, you always do this.

You're gonna murder my social life.

Well, maybe it deserves to die.

You know you're not allowed

to date until you're 17,

so we have a winner.

Yeah, and a loser.

I have "Preacher's Kid"

stamped on my forehead.

Oh, there you are.

- Did you find my notes?

- Yeah, right there.

Perfect. Where'd you find

them? I looked everywhere.

- I'll just take that.

- What's wrong with that one?

Video guy says

your tie is strobing,

so this one will be better.

Okay. Notes were on

your desk, corner pile.

- Hey, Dad.

- Hey.

You were so awesome

in the first service

and I was just wondering what...

Sweetheart, I know

what you're doing,

but we've already

talked and we agree.

Points for trying, though.

I didn't even get a fair shot.

- Love you.

- Love you.

Good morning. Somebody

has a birthday, right?

Nice to see you.

Come here.

- Hey, did you get that recipe I sent?

- Yes. Thank you.

Oh, good. Good. Nice to see you.

Thank you so much for coming.

Hey, Ally, hey.

Oh, you having a rough morning?

Sondra, just tell me

it's all gonna be okay.

It's all gonna be okay. Just give

it five years and you'll be...

- Years?

- Seven or five...

Do you want me to

help you with the kids?

Brandon!

Buddy, what are you doing?

- Do you need some help?

- No, I've come this far.

- I am going to finish this.

- Okay.

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