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Moms' Night Out
Okay.
It's blog time.
I am a mommy blogger.
I am a mommy blogger.
Get ready, world, for some pearls
of wisdom, coming at you right now.
So here we go!
I got three followers.
Yesterday I had four,
so that's awesome.
My audience awaits.
It's 5:
00 a.m. Do you knowwhere your children are?
Mine are in bed.
I should be in bed.
It's Mother's Day.
But I'm not. Wanna know why?
Because I'm a clean freak!
I am talking freaky, deaky, Dutch.
If you were to lock me away in a
white room, in a straitjacket,
it would actually feel comforting.
As long as the walls were
spotless and nobody wore shoes.
I can actually feel
Like I have nerve
endings in the carpet.
And it affects me.
Wanna know how?
First, I feel distracted.
"Distracted."
D-I-S... Oh, what was I...
So, see, like right now,
I'm thinking of the cleaning
supplies I left out
and how one of the kids is
gonna get up and drink Clorox
and then I'd end up having
to call Poison Control,
and they'd say,
"Sorry, Mrs. Field,
too many times this month."
And take my kids away.
Too many times
this month, Ms. Field.
We're here to take
your children away.
I've played it all out.
I'm sure you've
played this all out.
Which is kind of morbid.
After I feel distracted,
I feel stressed.
Then I have a moment.
Mom!
Mommy!
I am talking to Daddy!
This is me having a moment
with my daughter.
- What?
- Well, it's a little high.
- Gee, uh...
- The kind of psycho thing you just did...
Did you just call me psycho?
- No! No. No. No.
- Did you just call me psycho?
It was a little psycho.
This is me having a moment
with some helpless newlyweds.
We just wanted to
say congratulations!
And savor this moment in your life!
So when I started to speak,
But then the words just started
coming out of me like lava.
Because you're gonna blink,
seriously, like, blink
and it's all gonna be over
and replaced with
just volume, like...
Mom!
Amazing, amazing
beautiful volume...
Look at that. Look at
that look on her face.
That's the look of a girl
whose fairytale just ended.
I murdered it.
I am a fairytale murderer.
You can only take so much
before you crack!
- Don't.
- No.
I'm like the Bruce Banner
of stay-at-home moms.
He doesn't want to turn into
the Hulk. It just happens.
Which is exactly how I feel.
I love my kids.
I love my husband. My minivan,
my minivan is awesome.
I have this incredible life.
So, why do I feel this way?
Mom!
Mom!
Mommy!
Oh.
Oh.
Surprise! We made you eggs!
With sugar!
Mother's happy day!
they're making me breakfast.
Instead, all I see is salmonella.
Salmonella everywhere.
On the floor, on the
counter, on my children.
I'm a salmonella-phobe.
Last week this happened to
a doll and I burned it!
Okay, so I didn't realize that
that was Bailey's favorite doll,
and I do feel bad about that.
We're gonna play a little
game! Everybody freeze!
Beck, no. Do not put that...
Oh, no. No, no, he's gonna eat it.
He'll put that in
his mouth and become
one of the estimated
400 people that die
from acute salmonella poisoning,
which I read about on a blog
somewhere. Yeah, okay. I gotta go.
Do not put that finger in your...
Hello, may Field's
residence, please?
Well, how about you try,
"This is the Fields' residence.
How may I help you?"
Daddy!
Hey, is Mommy there?
Mom! Phone!
Wow.
Bailey, I'm up here!
Beck? Beck?
Here's Daddy.
Hello? Hey, hon.
Sean, please tell me you're
It's Mother's Day.
Happy Mother's Day.
That's where we
should have started.
Yes, thank you. Fine. I just...
Why I need you on a flight...
- That's all right.
- Yes, baby.
- They canceled three flights on me.
- Mommy, I made you this.
The airlines are taking care of it.
I got a direct flight. Hello?
You made this for me?
You wanna know why you're so big?
Why?
Because you love us
the most of everybody.
Where's Daddy?
Up in the plane in the sky,
where he always is.
Ouch. That's not right.
Mom! Beck's playing
in the toilet again!
No, no, no. Not the potty.
Not the potty! Not the potty!
It's fine.
Beck!
Oh.
Sean, I don't know.
I'm thinking maybe I don't wanna
celebrate Mother's Day ever again.
Why would you say that?
Because I am terrible at
So just do not celebrate me!
What? Come on.
You are an awesome mom.
The kids are messy, you know.
Kids get messy.
Oh, yeah?
I ran out of space, so I
did the rest on the wall.
On the wall?
She's writing on the wall?
What kind of markers is she using?
The come-off kind? Hello?
You got kids? Want mine?
Ah.
Hey.
Now that's a mom.
Talk about perfect.
Oh, yeah, I bet she has a nanny.
Okay, everybody, best
behavior. It's Mother's Day.
Mommy, let me do it.
No, baby. We're running
really late today, okay?
Let me!
Mom, slow down.
Walk with me, Zoe.
Just walk and talk.
But, Mom, you're, like,
This is Sondra.
My Catcher in the Rye. My crutch.
My Dr. Phil, Oprah and Gandalf all
rolled into one ball of goodness.
Her only perceived flaw is that she
has no idea what auto-correct is.
No. No, no, that's not what I...
Oh! Technology!
Mom, it's really...
It's just a dance
and there's gonna
be some laser lights
and some glow sticks and that's it.
A rave is not a dance.
Trust your mother.
But, Mom, a lot of the
kids from church are...
- Uh, uh, uh...
- They're even...
- I don't care!
- Seriously?
I don't care!
- Come on, have a heart.
- Zoe!
Mom, you always do this.
You're gonna murder my social life.
Well, maybe it deserves to die.
You know you're not allowed
to date until you're 17,
so we have a winner.
Yeah, and a loser.
I have "Preacher's Kid"
stamped on my forehead.
Oh, there you are.
- Did you find my notes?
- Yeah, right there.
Perfect. Where'd you find
them? I looked everywhere.
- I'll just take that.
- What's wrong with that one?
Video guy says
your tie is strobing,
so this one will be better.
Okay. Notes were on
your desk, corner pile.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.
You were so awesome
in the first service
and I was just wondering what...
Sweetheart, I know
what you're doing,
but we've already
talked and we agree.
Points for trying, though.
I didn't even get a fair shot.
- Love you.
- Love you.
Good morning. Somebody
has a birthday, right?
Nice to see you.
Come here.
- Hey, did you get that recipe I sent?
- Yes. Thank you.
Oh, good. Good. Nice to see you.
Thank you so much for coming.
Hey, Ally, hey.
Oh, you having a rough morning?
Sondra, just tell me
it's all gonna be okay.
It's all gonna be okay. Just give
it five years and you'll be...
- Years?
- Seven or five...
Do you want me to
help you with the kids?
Brandon!
Buddy, what are you doing?
- Do you need some help?
- No, I've come this far.
- Okay.
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"Moms' Night Out" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 7 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/moms'_night_out_13946>.
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