Mother's Day

1

Ah, Mother's Day.

Paige, come on, honey,

you have to go to school.

I love being a mother.

But what about the other

364 days of the year?

When you're trying to

get your kid to school

and you're surviving

on very little sleep

because you're up all night sewing

costumes for the school play

and you've still got to go

to work in the morning.

Go.

It's about

the never-ending driving

to soccer,

gymnastics, or ballet.

It's about getting your kids

to look up from their computer

or iPad or iPod or iPhone or

whatever "I" they're looking at.

Paige, wait, honey,

your banana, hold on, hold on!

It's okay, honey,

just eat the peach.

Eat the peach, it's fine.

In other words,

it's about being a...

Mom! Mom!

Mom!

Peter...

Wait, wait, wait...

breathe, slow down, slow down,

breathe, hold on.

There you go. See?

Now tell me what happened.

Peter left the top

of the ant farm open.

All the ants are gone,

even the big red one.

Oh, why?

Why did I buy this for you guys?

I swear, I don't...

Hey, hey, hey, Peter,

where did that come from?

You know no junk food

for breakfast anymore.

Dad brought them.

He lets us.

He also lets you go to

school without any underwear.

It's called

free-balling, Mom.

I swear.

Where are all of these ants?

It happened in the backyard.

God. Peter, I'm not kidding.

I'm counting to three.

One, two...

Three.

What?

When did that stop working?

Come on,

I brought a box of donuts.

It's not a federal offense,

but I will take credit

for the underwear.

Good morning.

Hello.

Did you look this good

when we were married?

No, I actually got better.

When did you get in here?

I didn't even hear you come in.

Came in through the back door.

I mean, we don't want the neighbors

talking, do we?

Hmm. Are you hungry?

Mmm.

Here, have a donut.

Your parents are divorced,

right?

Oh, trust me, there's weirdness.

So, Peter, you decided

to invite your friends over

at 7:
45 in the morning?

Hi.

We're meeting here

for the carpool today.

- And the donuts.

- At my request.

All right, you little hooligans,

let's go, time for school.

Load up.

Please, you cannot bring this

stuff into the house anymore.

Yeah, but, uh, seriously,

could we have a conversation later?

There's something important

I need to talk to you about.

Sure, okay.

Okay.

Telephone.

Hey, Jess.

I ate a whole

coffee cake last night.

Pilates?

No, I can't.

I have way too much work.

But I've got to tell you,

the strangest thing just happened.

What?

I think I just caught Henry

totally checking me out,

like twice.

Was it like a long stare

or a gawk?

Jesse, you've got to see this!

I'm going to say like a gawk.

What does that mean?

I have no idea, but he said he

wants to sit down with me later

and talk about

something important.

What if he wants to

get back together?

What? No. No way.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

That is so not happening.

Why not?

Jesse.

You are the happiest

divorced couple I've ever met.

I mean, maybe he's

figured you're the one.

Max, get ready,

my sister's coming.

No, no, no, no, no, no,

there's no way.

That's not going to...

It's been years, it's all fine and...

You don't really...

Really, you think it might be?

Do you think?

Here's what I'm wondering.

If you guys get remarried,

does it mean the ring has to be bigger?

I'm saying yes.

Okay, you just keep

thinking all of those

wonderfully deep thoughts, okay?

I'll talk to you later.

Okay.

Presenting our float

for the Mother's Day parade.

Oh!

Wow!

Do you love it?

What is it?

Womb. It's a womb.

Of course.

It's a womb float.

Amazing. And so,

the tube?

The umbilical cord.

It's symbolic that we all

come from the same place,

gay, straight, transgender,

black, white, purple, you know.

Awesome.

I love it.

You're going to kill it

at the Mother's Day parade.

Seriously, they're not going

to know what to do with it.

You haven't seen the best part.

Oh, look at that!

I delivered a child for the second time.

Wow! It's a boy.

You've lost your mind.

I'm going to go work out.

I'll be right over here.

You good?

All good, Val.

Hey, Zack.

Another week,

you won't need the tray.

Another week, and you and

Kristin will be doing my shift.

Hey, Val.

Hey, Kristin. Hey.

Hi, Daddy!

Ooh.

No, no, no, we sanitize.

I literally just

washed my hands.

Doesn't matter.

I could always

wear a hazmat suit.

I'd love that.

The baby books call that

being a helicopter mom.

You know, always hovering.

Yeah, I've been called them all,

and it doesn't faze me one bit.

Milk bottles for tonight.

Can you put those in the

fridge for me, please?

Um, that may not work.

I just found out...

Hey, Zack, can I get two more?

Yep, on the way. Beanzie?

I got accepted into the Buckhead

Standup Comedy Contest.

First round's tonight,

three rounds,

first prize is 5 grand.

Babe, that would take my overall

earnings as a comic to,

well, 5 grand.

Just getting accepted into

the contest is a big deal.

Yeah, of course,

I will figure something out with Katie.

Don't worry.

Just go make 'em laugh.

I'm not paying you

to reproduce again.

Sorry, boss.

But don't mind me,

I'm just the owner.

Vicky,

don't kick the ball in here.

Okay, okay.

Thank you.

Can't believe it's

already been a year.

This will be our

first one without her.

I miss her.

Me, too.

Who's that?

Just a friend,

wondering if I'll be

at the mall today after school.

I've got to answer him.

Is this "him" your,

uh, boyfriend?

Dad, stop. Please.

What?

Oh, my God.

Seems like a reasonable question

for a father to

ask his daughter.

Hey, Vicky,

you know, we should go.

We're going to be

late for school,

and you, don't be late

for soccer practice this time.

I won't.

Mom was never late for practice.

No, she wasn't.

Can I drive?

Absolutely not.

No, look, we're all going to end

up in a place like this someday.

All right?

I don't want to rush it.

What?

That was just like

the old Dad, making jokes.

Yeah, I guess.

So, listen, Dad.

After I get my license,

could I maybe, you know,

drive Mom's Volkswagen?

No, no, no, I'm going to sell it.

I told you that.

Come on, Dad.

Pretty please?

It's literally just

sitting in the garage.

Absolutely not.

Well, thanks for

thinking that over. Great.

I'm Adam Freeman.

Thanks for joining me here

on HSN from our headquarters

in St. Petersburg, Florida.

Right now, I would like to send

it over to Atlanta, Georgia,

where the very lovely Miranda

Collins is on her book tour.

Hello, Adam.

Hello, Atlanta.

Hello, viewers.

So, Mother's Day

is getting so close,

and we have these gorgeous

crystal mood pendants.

It is the perfect gift for Mom.

These genuine quartz

crystal mood pendants

change color with your mood.

Now, wouldn't it be nice to know

if your mom is

happy or sad or mad?

Oh, we have just sold

our 800th pendant!

Bingo!

Oh, God, I know that look.

You hate the float.

No, it's not the float.

It's just all this

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