Mother's Day Page #5

It's just... I'm Sandy,

I have two sons.

I already said that.

Yes, you did.

I can take you over here.

Oh, thank you.

Sandy, two sons, same boat.

Oh, thank you.

All right, well, bye.

Yeah, it was nice meeting you,

Sandy with two sons.

It was two, right?

Yeah.

Hey, Henry, what's up?

Hey, are the boys'

passports up to date?

Their passports?

I am planning our

summer vacation.

Um...

Okay, where are you

planning this vacation?

We're going to Paris.

Tina's never been.

Paris, uh, France?

Uh-huh.

Are you kidding me?

No, I'm not. Why?

I got to go.

Bye.

Hello?

Hello?

So, how'd she take it?

Like a champ.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me!

Paris?

Paris, Paris, Paris!

That's...

We could not get our sh*t together

for 13 years to get to Paris.

Now he's taking Tina. Tina.

Now he's taking Tina.

It's the only place I've wanted to go

since I was a kid and I read Madeline!

I don't even think she knows

who the hell Madeline is!

Oh, my God,

this is not happening!

This is not happening!

Oh, man, you know, you couldn't

have taken her to London

or to f***in' Disneyland maybe?

I don't know,

how about take her to the prom?

That's somewhere I bet

she hasn't been yet.

Jesus...

Freaking Tina!

I'd hate to see her in traffic.

Yeah.

That's it.

That's it, go!

Over here!

Cross it!

That's it. Rachel's open.

There you go. That's it.

Yeah, move it!

Hurry!

Goal!

Did not cross

the line! No goal!

What? What?

What are you talking about?

Go back to your coaching area!

No, no, no, no,

not until you reverse that call, man.

I'm warning you.

Hey, you're warning me what?

Look at the crowd.

Easy, mister.

I've got this, Lisa.

What? There's not

many of them.

No, no, look at them.

Okay, you've got,

like, five dozen

different recorded

versions of that play

you completely

missed right there.

Why don't you

just walk over there

and ask one of them

to replay it for you,

then you'll see you're wrong,

we'll win the game

and then you can stumble home

with your seeing-eye dog.

That's it.

Yellow card!

Yellow card?

Are you...

Oh, he blew

another man's whistle.

Did you just blow my whistle?

You're damn right.

You do not blow

another man's whistle.

You do when he

blows the game for you!

All right, that's it, red card!

You're gone.

I'm gone? Okay,

good to know.

Okay, you know what?

I'm gone.

Now your ball's gone.

That's what's gone, okay?

Hey, Kimberly!

Oh, I've got to go!

- You take over, okay?

- Yeah, you better go.

Yeah, thank you.

If anybody's looking for me,

I'll be out in the parking lot

calling LensCrafters,

making that guy an appointment!

Baby, you better go.

You're going to get hurt.

Spare ball, please.

Knucklehead!

All right, you're gone.

You... A pox

upon your whistle.

Play ball!

Next.

Yeah, hi.

Could we get a large pizza?

What kind you want?

Cheese.

Large cheese pizza

and three sodas to go.

Wait over there, please.

Where'd you hear that "pox on my whistle"?

What's that from?

Shakespeare.

Shakespeare, huh?

William Shakespeare?

No, Bob Shakespeare.

Who else would it...

Why are you talking

to me like this?

You, too, now?

I can't believe we lost.

I think that ball was deflated.

Totally.

Tom Brady is hot.

Hey, want to go

get some ice cream?

As a makeup present?

Make up for what?

Acting like Mopey Dick

half the time.

I'm sorry, Mopey Dick?

Yeah, being sad all the time,

obsessing over soccer

so you can get closer to Mom,

watching those

videos over and over.

She's gone, Dad, and we're all sad,

but for how long?

And acting like an a**hole with

that ref doesn't help anyone.

Hey, watch your language.

You know what?

Yeah, I cuss.

That's because I'm

an unsupervised teen

and while I'm at it,

I don't mind taking care of Vicky

and doing all the housework

and the cooking.

Dad, I'm only 16, I have a life.

I know, okay?

Tommy's here.

I've got to go.

Wait, where are you going?

Just stop.

Is this the boy that likes you?

Hey, Rachel, what are you doing?

Go, come on.

Rachel, get out of the car.

Get out.

You're going to roll

up the window on me.

Hey, wait until it stops

and then get out of the car.

Unbelievable.

But my friend comes

to me and she goes,

"Oh, my God, Mia,

I have met the perfect guy for you."

She shows me his picture,

and this dude was at least 75, okay?

And I am not.

And I said, "Um, his eyes

have cataracts,

"mine have hope, okay?"

She is killing 'em.

She's also killing the boss.

Oh, I'm so sorry!

Are you okay?

Yes, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Do you know where the pool is?

I'm looking for Miranda Collins.

Yeah, it's right

through that door.

- But, can I help you with the rip?

- No, I'm...

Sorry, watch out behind you.

Sorry, sorry, sorry!

Thank you. You sure I

can't help with the rip?

I got a safety pin.

No, no, thank you,

I'm late for a meeting.

Bigger smile.

Bigger smile, yeah.

There you go. Perfect.

Have a nice day.

Next.

Thank you.

Congratulations.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no! Shoot!

One more.

Ma'am, these are contest winners.

Only they get pictures.

I'm not... I'm actually

not here for a picture.

I'm here to show Miranda this.

Fine, stay here.

But, there's actually...

Hey, hey, hey!

How cute.

That's very sweet.

Miranda!

I'm sorry, that's...

Congratulations.

I'm not a contest winner.

Then why am I hugging you?

I'm sorry. I'm late.

I'm here for the interview.

We're not doing any press today.

No. I'm not

interviewing you.

She's interviewing me.

You need to calm down.

I need to calm down?

I'm not here for a photograph.

I'm here for a job.

Oh, you must be Sandy.

Yes, I'm Sandy!

Yes! Well, you missed

the design meeting.

Miranda is a very busy person.

Oh, really?

Is Miranda busy?

Well, I would have

been here on time

if my ex-husband

hadn't married a tween,

or if my doctor had called in

my child's asthma medication,

or if my mother-mobile

went faster

than 4 miles per

hour on the freeway.

But I understand it. I get it.

Her time is very valuable.

And she's very busy.

My time is not.

My bra's on inside out.

Would you like me

to help you with your bra?

No! Uh... Thank you, though.

I like your blouse.

Thank you. I just made this.

Next.

Look at me, look right here.

It's not a date. Oh, just...

Great.

That's a waste of my time.

Oh, I'm Miranda.

I'm the busiest woman in the world.

Where is she, Betty?

There she is,

talking to herself.

Thanks, Betty.

Excuse me, ma'am.

I'm sorry, Miss Collins

would like to see you now.

She would?

Yes.

Okay.

Oh, shoot!

Um...

One second, one second.

Can I help you with something?

Watch yourself.

Don't get stuck in there now.

Would you...

Okay, sure.

I got it. I got it.

Yep.

Okay?

Yes, I got it.

You sure you got everything?

Hello in there.

You want this back?

No, no, no.

No, okay.

Uh, okay, so,

I was trying to create

a little bit more

flow and, um...

Gosh, your head just really

snapped right off there.

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