Mother's Day Page #6

Anyhow.

So, that's why I kind of

rounded out these edges

a little bit and opened it up.

And also, um...

How long has

your son had asthma?

His whole life.

But the doctors say that they

can grow out of it sometimes.

Do you have kids?

No.

Career.

Sure.

Keeps me busy.

Yeah, of course.

Tell me more about this

tween and your ex-husband.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I'm sure I exaggerated

about that a little bit.

I'm sure she's older,

but I'll have a better idea

once all the acne clears up.

You're funny.

You have to be

more fun than she is.

I am, I am.

Well, you should hold on to that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, I feel like I should keep

pitching you my... The set, so...

No, not at all.

You're hired.

That's it?

Mmm-hmm.

And I dare say with this new job,

you might be able to afford

a slightly faster car.

Not a Maserati,

but slightly faster car.

I'm so sorry for that

explosion out there.

Don't be. It got our

attention, didn't it?

Also a trait to hold on to.

Okay, thank you.

I'll hold on to that, and

I'm funny... I've a lot to hold on to.

I know that you're

very busy, Miranda, so...

One last thing.

There is one final

souvenir to give away,

though you were not

an essay-contest winner.

Thank you. 100% gold-plated

hypoallergenic bangle.

Oh.

Just for you.

Oh, my gosh.

This has been a great day.

Jess, our blender's broken.

We're using yours.

Okay.

Hey.

Hi.

Where's Russell and the kids?

Oh, they're out in the garage popping

the bubble wrap on the float.

It's them. You answer it.

It's your Skype.

It's your parents.

Your parents, too.

You know what?

This is something that I can do for you,

is answer and talk to them.

Thank you.

But I'd rather do this.

Oh, my God.

Dad.

Hi, Jess.

I want to talk to you about a

Mother's Day present for my old lady.

Uh...

The old lady, meaning my mother?

Yeah, I've got the greatest

idea in the world.

Okay.

A present that's going to knock

your mama plum out of her panties.

Whoo!

Dad, that is a really

interesting visual.

What are you guys talking about?

Mom, I thought... Dad, I thought

you wanted it to be a surprise?

Oh, it will be.

Come in, door's open.

Hello?

Hello? Dad?

Surprise!

Oh, my God!

That was... What?

What?

Yes, you have that here now.

That's crazy.

Gabi!

Gabi!

Oh, it's you guys.

Yeah, it is!

Oh, sweetheart.

Gabi, you're not

going to believe it.

You guys are

supposed to be in Texas.

I lied.

We've been driving

20 hours straight.

I thought with us making up

on the Skype and all

and Gabi's engagement,

what a great

Mother's Day surprise,

a couple of days early.

Mom, Dad!

What are you guys doing here?

Yay!

Oh!

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hey, listen. Uh, where's

the little ladies' room?

- Down the hall.

- I'll be right back.

I just can't take him anywhere.

Oh...

Oh!

Well, I'll say,

this is some kind of casa.

Thank you.

That's not good.

It's not good.

You need to call Russell.

Text Russell right now.

Okay.

Text Russell, tell him

don't leave the garage

and don't let the kids

get out of the garage.

Just stay in the garage.

Oh, look at that picture.

I don't like it.

I don't live here.

Uh... Oh, hello there,

I'm Gabi's mom.

You must be Steven.

Oh!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I thought

you were someone else.

You're Gabi's mom?

Yes, and who are you?

Oh.

Um, I'm,...

I'm Max, I'm Gabi's partner.

In crime. This is her

partner in crime, Max.

Well, good as new.

Oh.

You got any beer?

Yes.

We could always

go out for a beer.

Uh, uh...

Hoegaarden, Stella...

No.

Kingfisher...

It sounds like

the freakin' United Nations.

Uh, no, no, I'll import

some American brew from my RV.

Be right back.

Where is Steven?

Oh.

Good luck.

Steven is...

Steven.

The one that...

Gabi's fianc.

I'm excited to meet

my future son-in-law.

Are you? Okay.

Mom, um, there is no Steven.

Max is my partner.

Your business partner?

No, um, my life partner.

Your li...

Uh, what...

I'm Gabi's wife.

Huh?

We're wives.

No! No!

What did I miss?

Oh!

A heck of an episode

of The Jerry Springer Show.

Doesn't get any

better than Jerry.

Hey, Jesse, why am I

staying in the... Oh, hello.

And we are back from commercial.

Go back.

Are you the houseboy?

No, who the hell are you?

Well, I'm Jesse's father.

Okay, that's not funny, pal,

because Jesse's

father and mother

are in a dementia

facility in Arizona, right?

Dementia, my butt.

We live in Texas.

You're going to tell me

that you're Jesse's mother?

Oh, yeah.

Well, who in

the Sam H. are you?

Well, I am Jesse's husband,

I think.

Are we on The Jerry Springer

Show right now?

Are we?

Wait, wait, wait.

Jesse's not married.

Oh, oh, yes, she is.

Yes, she is, to me.

To him.

Oh, holy hell.

You've got a towel-head

for a husband?

I thought you broke up with him.

Okay, FYI, towel-head,

super offensive. So...

It's very offensive.

You got married and

you didn't tell us?

So is Gabi and to a gay person.

What?

Mom, I'm a gay person.

She is a gay person.

Sweet jumpin' Jesus.

Let's go, Flo.

There's a whole lot

of life going on here

that has nothing to do with us.

This isn't the surprise

I was looking for.

You'll be fine and so will he.

Oh, thanks, Mom.

Just get a divorce

before he gets you pregnant.

Amen.

Tanner needs you, Uncle Russell.

Hey, buddy, come here.

Who are they?

Uh, this is ours. Hi.

Tanner.

Can you say hi?

Say hi, Grandma, hi, Grandpa.

Yes.

And, uh, Charlie is my child.

That I adopted.

I came from a sperm donor.

That's right.

He might have been named Steven.

Mmm-hmm.

Those were your grandparents.

Mmm-hmm?

And I put on a bra for this?

Oh.

Look, it's black.

Oh! Now,

that's the last straw.

What?

The tire, it's flat.

Oh.

Don't worry, Fluffy.

We'll get it fixed tomorrow.

The tire, maybe.

You don't need this.

Look, you told me that your parents

were mentally incapacitated.

Trust me, they are.

Oh? They are, and besides,

it was our first date.

Okay, who doesn't lie

on their first date?

Oh, really? Well, what about

our second date and 50th date

and what about the, um...

Hey! Oh! The time that we

had a child together?

Do you realize that you lied to me

about your parents?

I lie to everybody

about my parents.

Oh, that's reassuring.

I lie about my horrible

life in that trailer park.

I was a freshman in high school,

saving every dime that I had

so that I could

just get out of there.

No graduation,

cap, gown, on a bus.

Good, I get it,

you hate your parents.

No, I don't hate them.

They're my parents,

so I love them, but...

Honey, it's not...

It's just that they're

wrong about so much

and they're wrong

about how they treat people,

they're wrong about how they

honor people's differences...

You know what's the worst part,

is that you lied

to them about me.

Why? Because it's so

terrible to be married to a towel-head!

How embarrassing for you.

Yeah, they should have

called me Dr. Towel-Head.

Where are you going?

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