Mother's Day Page #8

Oh...

I mean, this is all so stupid.

This is so stupid.

Look at all this.

What am I doing?

I mean, you know...

Ugh, I feel like such an idiot.

So, what I'm basically doing

is I'm trying to compete

with my ex-husband

and a 20-year-old.

That just makes a lot

of sense, right, Jess?

It's stupid.

You know what it is?

I just...

I just hate feeling so replaceable.

Well, sadly we all are.

Oh, geez, you scared

the crap out of me.

I mean, we're all replaceable.

For every professional clown,

there's 100 hacks with a red nose and a wig

waiting to do the job.

Yeah, I understand.

Thanks, clown.

Jesse?

There's no way that the bond

you have with your kids

can ever be broken.

I mean, there's

no contest, right?

You're their mom.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, let me help.

Oh...

Thank... Okay.

Yeah? See?

It's this, I get it,

never-ending scarf bit.

Yeah, it's the first time you

got to use this one today, huh?

Ah...

Got a smile from you.

That's great.

Do you mind if I rub...

Please.

Thank you very much.

It's always the traditional

things that work,

the bottomless sleeve hanky,

the bottomless cup of coffee,

the bottomless love

from a mother to her kids.

They know it's there.

Sometimes they just take it for granted.

Yeah.

So what if the other girl is 20,

has great skin and probably

looks insane in a bikini?

Okay, that's good, I get it.

Nice pep talk there, clown.

Thank you, clown.

Never thought I'd ever hear myself

say that, but thank you, clown.

My pleasure.

Mmm.

A heart-to-heart with a clown.

There was not

a soul to see that.

He could have murdered me.

Okay.

Jesse, you home?

Hey, I'm getting a beer!

Hello. Who are you?

Well, who are you?

Sonia, mother of Russell.

Yeah, well, I'm Florence,

mother of Jesse.

Florence, nice to meet you!

Ugh, I heard about your

surprise drop-in.

Are you okay?

I think so.

I'm not real sure.

Are you having a beer?

Yeah.

I think I'll join you.

To say the truth,

when Russell told me he was

in love with a white girl,

I wanted to punch a wall.

Well, at least

you knew about it.

And then they eloped

and they didn't even

invite me to the wedding.

They didn't even tell me.

Yeah, well, I'm double spitting

just thinking about it.

Thought I was finished with them,

but they're my baby girls.

But, Florence, have you

seen our grandchild? Oh...

I get why they call him Tanner.

He's a little dark.

I think he's a little light.

Hey, what time is it in India?

India? Who knows.

I live here in Las Vegas.

No taxes, and I play

the slots anytime I want.

Hey, smart move.

Plus, you can drive 20

miles in any direction

and find some sand

when you get homesick, right?

I don't get that joke,

but it sounds racist, and funny.

Hi, Grandma!

Hey.

Could you watch Tanner a minute?

I have to go pee.

Thank you.

Here we go!

I think you look

a little like me.

Uh-huh.

Yes, you do.

I think you do.

You look just like

me in the summertime.

Lakens, thank you

so much for coming.

We'll see you next time.

Well, everything

looks good here.

Will you be joining us for

tomorrow's Mother's Day brunch?

No, I'm working.

Oh...

Are you a mom?

No.

I don't suppose you'd like

a complimentary mum for Mum's Day?

No.

If you need anything, just ask.

I'm sorry to interrupt

your dinner, my dear.

Fried green tomatoes.

Lance, you're my agent and I love you,

which is an oxymoron,

but if you are here for

some philosophical chat,

short, short would be good here.

Yes, you know me as Lance Wallace,

agent to the stars.

You used to have big stars.

Now you just have me.

Mmm.

But you really know

I was born in the Bronx

and my name was Ramone Navarro,

who collected empty soda

bottles to get money to eat.

We are who the world thinks we

are and sometimes, we're not.

We decide who we are,

when we want and

who we want to know.

Or is it whom?

Are you done, Ramone?

Just doing my job, to make sure

that nothing lowers

the kilowatts on that smile.

Hmm.

Oh, you're right, you're right,

that is the salad fork.

Hey, change of plan.

I got the call.

One of the girls

had to pull out.

She got a comedy series for NBC.

It'll probably be canceled,

but anyway,

I'm in the final tonight.

Where are you?

I've got Katie.

She's fine.

Bye.

Good stuff.

Okay, next up.

Good night.

Oh...

I shouldn't be watching this.

Good night.

Good night.

Yeah, yeah, good night.

Good night.

I'm home.

Well, how...

Good night.

You used to say good night.

It'd take you hours

to say good night, actually.

Hey, honey, where are you?

I'm getting worried.

If you're thinking

of splitting, please don't.

Let's just keep loving

each other and Katie.

I don't want to marry you.

I mean, I do want to marry you,

but we don't

have to get married.

If you get this,

please come to the club.

I love you.

This competition

is worth $5,000.

Zack Zim, you're in

the finals, by default.

Good for you.

Aw...

That is the most adorable

baby I've ever seen.

Would you be able to watch

her while I do my set?

No.

Welcome to the stage, Zack Zim.

Zack Zim, he's very...

Oh, that's you.

All right, go on out there, kid.

Come on, I'm rooting for you.

I'll be out in front.

Uh...

Hello.

Um...

So, I'm Zack.

Uh, this is Katie.

Say hi.

She's a bit shy.

I'll just say this from the get-go,

this wasn't planned.

Coming out here with

her wasn't planned,

not she wasn't planned,

although to be fair,

you were a little bit of a surprise.

Didn't like that joke.

Uh...

So, does anyone in

here have a baby?

No, obviously you don't.

You're here having a life.

No, don't cry, stop crying.

Five grand at stake.

Mate, would you mind

holding her for a sec?

What's your name, pal?

Tiny.

Tiny, if you don't

mind me saying,

you look like you have

a very welcoming bosom.

May I rest my child on it?

Sure.

Just for a sec, thank you.

I mean, I don't know whether to be

pleased or just deeply offended.

How did you do that?

I'm soft, like a couch.

Please, will you

come and live with us?

I'm deadly serious.

I haven't slept in a year.

I'll take the couch.

My girlfriend's very attractive.

Can your girlfriend

take the couch?

Oh, my girlfriend, yes.

That's my sister.

Hey, can everyone please give it

up for the world's biggest nanny?

Well done.

Thank you.

I'll take her back.

Bye.

Thank you.

Call me.

Whoa.

You know, being a dad

does change you.

I worry all the time.

Do I know when she's tired?

Not really.

When she's about to be sick?

Definitely not.

This is the last

good shirt that I own.

But her mother knows,

because in every

atom of their body,

they know what's right for their

children and for their families.

Anyway, speaking of parents,

I better get this one back to hers.

Hey, guys, thank you very much.

I've been Zack Zim,

and this has been Katie.

Aw, what a cute baby.

I love babies.

We can have one if you want.

It's our first date.

So, what are you doing tomorrow?

Rate this script:5.0 / 2 votes