Murphy's Law

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1

Hey!

Hey, that's my car!

You can't steal my car! I'm a cop!

Oh, my God!

Sh*t.

Freeze!

Okay! Okay, you got me.

Enjoying yourself, pervert?

Jesus, would you take it easy,

Dick Tracy?

Move.

Can I just ask you one question?

Yeah, what?

How come all cops have two-inch peckers?

Damn.

Yeah?

What time is it?

Where?

Yeah.

I'll meet you there.

Okay, okay, I'll meet you there.

Okay.

Well, I like that wrinkled look.

Very sexy. Next time, go the whole way.

You know, ask for less starch.

Had a hard night.

Don't talk to me about hard

till you spend a night with Charlene.

That woman is a total nympho.

She couldn't keep her hands off me.

I was so sore this morning,

I thought it was gonna fall off.

Ah, Jesus, Sarge, I don't want to hear

about your sex life. My head's killing me.

Too much firewater last night, huh?

You know, you've been hitting the stuff

a little strong lately.

Hey, I got everything under control, okay?

Well, what have we got here?

Name's Teri Kaplan.

Teri Kaplan?

Teri Kaplan.

Isn't that one of Anthony Vincenzo's girls?

That's her.

Hey, Sergeant.

I think I found something.

Give me a stick or a pen or something.

"Anthony Alberto Vincenzo."

Hey, Frank.

How's the cocaine business?

I wouldn't know.

Oh, that's right.

You're not a drug dealer.

You're an importer.

And your brother's not a scum-sucking

pimp, he's a talent agent.

This is my mother here.

Don't talk that way in front of my mother.

Who the hell do you think you are?

I'll tell you who I am. I'm the man who's

gonna arrest your brother for murder.

Haven't seen him.

Well, when you do, you tell him the smart

thing to do is to turn himself in.

Because this time we got him by the balls.

I'm sorry. I don't mean "balls."

I mean "chandeliers."

We have him by the chandeliers.

You're interrupting our meal. Beat it.

Oh, Murphy, let me ask you,

you ever hear of Murphy's Law?

"If anything can possibly

go wrong, it will"?

A lot of things could happen

to someone like you.

You could get run over by a truck.

The gas heater in your apartment

could blow up.

Or you could lose a wheel going down

the freeway at 80 miles an hour.

Got to remember that.

The only law I know is Jack Murphy's Law.

That's very simple.

"Don't f*** with Jack Murphy."

You remember that.

Continental Coach Lines

No. 28, arriving Ramp 16.

Ventura, Santa Carla,

Camarillo and Oxnard.

Attention, please.

Sunliner Express to San Diego

departs in 30 minutes on Ramp 5.

Mr. Cameron?

Howdy.

Where are the addresses?

Right here.

Had a little trouble with one of them.

Ben Wilcove.

Seems he retired a few years ago,

moved up in the mountains a ways.

He wasn't easy to find.

But you found him.

Oh, yeah.

But, like I say,

it took a bit longer than I figured.

Uh, what I mean is,

I'm gonna have to charge you

a little more than we originally agreed on.

How much more?

With expenses and everything...

Let's say another $2,000.

Go to hell.

Miss Freeman!

Miss Freeman.

Hey, do you want these addresses or not?

You know, you can go to somebody else

if you want to.

But if these people were to find out

you was looking for them,

now I wonder how they'd feel about that.

You really are a slime, aren't you?

No, ma'am. Just a private investigator.

Of course, some people

would say that's the same thing.

All right, $2,000.

That'll be cash on delivery,

if you don't mind.

How about traveler's checks?

That'd be all right.

Since you put it that way

I guess we could forget

about the extra expenses and all,

and just call it even.

Nice doing business with you, ma'am.

You move another hair,

and I'll blow your head off.

Now wait a minute.

You can have my wallet.

It has almost $100 in it.

I don't want your money.

All I want is for you to say, "Ah."

What do you mean?

You know. Like in a doctor's office.

Do it.

Ah.

You can do better than that.

Make it bigger.

Ah.

Ah.

Perfect.

Hello.

- Jack Murphy?

- Yeah.

Hello?

Hello?

Hey, what the hell is this?

Some kind of game?

Yes, and the game is just beginning.

I'm gonna kill you.

But first, I'm gonna put you through hell.

Marie? Thought her name was Charlene.

Charlene's history. Marie's the future.

Woman has an incredible imagination.

I've been a cop 18 years. She knows

words I've never even heard before.

Say, Murph...

I like your tie, especially the stains.

Looks like the sewer backed up again.

I was at Madam Tong's the other night.

I saw your wife.

- Nice tits.

- Hey, lay it down.

Taste as good as they look?

Break it up, God damn it!

Come on, stop it!

Ease up.

What the hell's wrong with you two?

Murphy! My office, now!

Let's go clean up. Come on.

What was that all about?

It's something personal.

I don't understand you.

Look at you. You're a mess.

You look like you just

got out of the drunk tank.

You think you're the only man

whose wife ever left him?

Over three-quarters of the cops

on the police force are divorced.

So maybe you think

you can hide in a bottle?

You better get your act together, Jack,

or you're gonna lose everything you got.

Eh.

Get the hell out of here.

Bingo, that was airport security.

A guy matching Tony Vincenzo's

description just bought a ticket for Vegas.

His plane leaves in 20 minutes.

Attention, please.

International Airlines Flight 643

to Las Vegas

has been delayed by 30 minutes.

Southwest Airlines Flight 702...

Hey, hey!

...now arriving at Gate 17.

Hold it!

Get away from me,

or I'll blow her f***ing head off!

Freeze!

Get back!

Back!

Move it! I said move!

Move! Move!

All right!

Get down.

Tony!

Watch it.

- Somebody call it in?

- You folks all right?

Can you tell me what happened?

What happened here?

It's all under control.

It's all under control.

Over here.

This way, Sergeant.

Bambino.

Mama?

Mama, the car's waiting.

He was a good boy.

A decent boy.

Your brother is dead.

What are you gonna do about it?

I'll take care of it, Mama.

I want that bastard cop dead.

Do you hear me?

I want him crucified.

Over here! Over here.

Come on!

And next up here on the stage, fellows,

is a girl you're really gonna love.

Put your hands together, and welcome.

Philly Flash!

Hi.

You got the notice?

Yeah.

So now it's official.

I tried to call you.

Your phone's been disconnected.

I moved. I'm living with Carl.

He's the manager of the club.

Jan. What are you doing here?

Don't start.

Why do you want to work

in a dump like this?

I'm a dancer.

You call that dancing?

Yes.

If you don't like it, don't come around.

$5.40.

Watch it, snot-rag!

Hey!

You can't come in here!

Come on out,

or I'll put a bullet through the door.

Okay! Okay, I'm coming.

Go ahead, camel-crotch. Shoot me.

Don't tempt me.

Ow!

God, you snot-licking donkey fart!

Get up.

I think I hurt my back.

Poor girl. Let me help you.

You stupid...

Jism-breath! Scrotum-cheeks!

Bug-sucking booger.

You're gonna regret this.

Dinosaur dork.

Fart-brains.

Hey, you know, I want to file a complaint

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