My Architect: A Son's Journey Page #9

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talking about when Lou died.

Were you saying that that

was when you first saw me?

That's right that's

when I first saw you.

I came in with my

mother, and I saw Harriet.

And I saw a toe-head, blond hair,

very nicely decked out

youth of 11... 10, 11.

And I figured that had to be you.

And I don't remember...

You were there with your mother,

but I don't remember...

I don't think we spoke.

Well, my mother...

this is what happened.

Before the funeral, my mother was called

by a friend of your mother's

and told to not show up,

because your mother

had requested to not...

she didn't want to see

my mother at the funeral.

I wonder if that's true.

That's what we were told too.

Oh, yes, she was called up

and asked that that would...

that she was carrying out the

wishes of your mother, and...

Oh, but you came anyway.

But I... my mother was

absolutely furious

and hung up the phone.

So I said, "Well, Mom,

"what's the point of being furious?

We're going anyway."

The casket was there,

and I remember being...

some arms went in front of us,

and we were pushed into the side room.

You were very... I remember

you being on the side,

because I had to search for you.

And I went deliberately to

Harriet to say something,

'cause I-I had never

met you, and I knew,

whoever you are, you must

be suffering in some way.

And she just... I

said, "Hello, Harriet."

And she just stared straight ahead.

And she didn't have

anything to do with me.

And I felt really bad about that,

because I went up with

the best of intentions

to say, "Look, I'm

not my mother," or...

- You're not, you know?

- You're not, yeah.

I had nothing to do with that.

And, you know, on the other hand,

I hadn't really made contact with her

since you were born.

And I felt badly about that,

but I knew I couldn't have handled it. But...

I guess what I've always wondered is,

are we a family?

What are your expectations

of what a family is?

I don't know the answer.

We're a family through choice. I mean,

if we care about each other,

it's because we decide to,

not because we happen to be related

through some fluke of a father

that happened to have these children.

Yeah.

What were you thinking, Lou?

I've been to most of your buildings now.

India and Bangladesh will be the last.

I like your Exeter Library.

It looks a lot like

the factory buildings

you walked by as a little boy

back in Philadelphia.

But nobody expects what you did inside.

I always believed that in the end

you'd chosen my mother and me.

That was the myth I lived on.

But you didn't really choose any of us,

did you?

Did you think that Lou would marry you?

Yes, and I didn't

expect to get pregnant,

and I was really surprised

when I told Lou,

and then his comment was,

you know, "Not again."

So I certainly thought when I told him

that he would... that

he would in some way

do something to help me.

"Not again" meaning what?

Well, that this had happened

to him before with Alex.

- You know.

- With Anne?

Yeah, with Anne.

Well, didn't you know

what you were getting into?

Oh, come on, Nathaniel.

Well, I just...

I mean, you know.

You always protect him.

That's hard, you know?

I mean,

he was...

- I did trust him. I was pretty stupid.

- You know mom, what he did to you and I

- was... was pretty bad, really.

- Yeah.

Don't you think? I mean, honestly,

are you ever angry at him?

No.

Really? You're not angry at him?

Well, I did get angry sometimes,

but not... but just... I just felt...

I don't know.

Kind of a tragedy that he

didn't work it out, isn't it?

You know, it seems almost too much

he was on the way home to

maybe come live with us.

- Yes.

- Who knows?

- You still believe that?

- I do believe it.

Do you think he crossed off his passport

on his way home to...

to show something?

Yes, to

indicate... yes.

Why else would he have done it?

Why else would he have done that?

Can you give me an explanation?

It's a good myth to have.

I don't think it's a myth.

I don't think it's a myth at all.

I mean, I have very strong

conviction about that,

because I know

what... what Lou said to me,

you know, when

we... when we parted.

What did he say?

He said he would do it.

I mean, he said... I

said that I can't...

I can't bear it any longer,

and you have to... you

have to do something,

and you have to live with us.

And he said he would.

- Really?

- Yeah.

So...

I mean, what do you think?

You think it's a myth, Nathaniel?

What's your explanation?

Is it hard being alone,

Mom, so much in your life?

Yes.

I always wondered why you

didn't find someone else

to share your life with you.

Well, I'm kind of a romantic fatalist.

Somebody comes along, you know,

and I'm kind of a loner too.

- Nathaniel?

- Yeah.

Come in.

- What?

- Lightning.

I know. I'll come in.

Do you miss him still?

Sometimes.

But not a great, great deal.

You don't think about him

as much as you used to?

No.

Is that shocking?

Before taking off for

India and Bangladesh,

I finally went back

into Lou's old office.

As it turns out,

one of the men who used to work for him

has the place now.

It was exciting times.

I must say, it was exciting being here.

I was... I can't say there

were ever times when I was...

I never quit because of anger.

I never quit because of frustration.

I quit because I

couldn't take it anymore.

I couldn't work those hours anymore.

But I felt he was

always an honorable...

thoroughly honorable guy,

except for the way he

treated the women in his life.

And that was not

honorable, but...

Do you remember thinking about that?

I mean, how the women took it?

I did, because I was married,

had a wife, two children.

And I knew what that

was like, and I knew...

that's when I... that's

when I finally quit.

For the last time,

I came home and...

my Estelle was crying, and

she said, "We never see you."

And I said, "Oh, that's it. I can't...

Can't do it anymore."

But he just could juggle people's lives,

and it didn't bother him.

I don't understand it.

I don't know how he could do it.

I don't know how he had

the mental strength for it.

It would have... I would

have had a breakdown.

But he didn't. He was such a tough guy.

He really was tough as

hell, you know, I mean...

- Mentally.

- In what way?

Well, how could he juggle

three or four lives like that?

Lou was very secretive.

He liked to keep his

business to himself.

And he'd call and say,

"You know where I am,

but nobody else is to know where I am."

And I'd say, "Okay,"

because they would call looking for him.

- Who would call?

- Esther would call Saturdays and Sundays,

or Anne Tyng would call.

She would get very frustrated.

Anne, you know, lives

two blocks from my home.

I see.

And Harriet too would call.

Yes, and Harriet would call.

- And so, what would you do?

- I mean, he would be, like, MIA.

And sometimes I didn't know

where he was or what he was doing.

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