My Baby's Daddy Page #2

She said it's gonna empower her

as a woman or some bullshit.

My life is over.

I'm done.

Finished.

The three of us.

Daddies.

Ain't it great?

I think we should do daddy

training so we can do it right.

Yeah.

That's it.

You know?

Do what our fathers didn't do.

Oh!

Ooh.

Oh, what's that?

A little porn?

Check it out.

They got her in stirrups

and everything.

Make that move, mama.

Damn!

Look at the size of that thing.

Looks like an alien.

- Oh!

- Ew!

Ew!

I'm Annabelle Sinclair.

And I'll be your

birthing/child-rearing expert.

And I am here to guide you

through the journey

that your child is gonna take

from the womb

to the pink or blue bedroom.

I'd like to open the floor

for any pre-birthing questions.

Anybody?

Yes?

You know, is it cool to still

hit the skins during pregnancy?

He asking if it's all right

to still be tappin' that ass.

Oh, sure.

Feel free to get your swerve on

throughout the pregnancy.

Damn.

Don't be embarrassed, dear.

I ain't.

Flatulence is very normal

during pregnancy.

So let 'em rip!

Oh, cool.

Pregnant people, fool.

Well, hell,

I had to let it go, baby.

I'm gonna hand out these balls.

And I want you to put them

between your knees, okay?

Here you go.

You take this.

That's right.

Place it right there.

Hey, Nia.

Sorry, hon.

Dominic.

This is Venus, my doula.

What's a doula?

A midwife.

I gotta talk to you outside.

Come on.

Okeydoke.

Now we're gonna simulate labor.

So I would like for everyone

to get into their

most comfortable positions.

That's right.

Oh.

What are you doing here?

Well, you invited me here.

Look, it was my decision

to have this baby.

And it was a fling, Dom.

An office fling.

Dominic, you don't have to

be here.

We've discussed this.

Domineech.

Hey, Dom.

It's Louie.

Yo.

What's up?

Um...

Give me, like, hour and a half.

I think that you're gonna find

natural childbirth

to be loving, blissful,

and wonderful.

I want drugs!

Lonnie, I can't take this pain!

Lonnie!

Is there anything else

I can get you?

Crank! Crack!

Horse tranquilizer, n*gger!

I want drugs!

- Okay. Hold on.

- Gin and juice!

I'm gonna get the nurse.

Nurse!

Is there a nurse?

Nurse!

Oh!

What happened, baby?

You drop some pickle juice?

It's my water.

- Your water?

- The baby's coming.

Oh, jeez.

Okay.

Okay, baby.

Breathe.

Cleanup, aisle 3!

Daddy! Daddy!

Get Grandpa!

You have a baby here?

No! No! No!

No one have baby here!

Grandpa Bling Bling

doctor in China.

Grandpa?

Okay. Okay.

Baby, breathe.

Watch out!

I'm going in.

What the hell?

Hey, man, what you doing?

What you doing?

Oh, my God!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Okay.

Let's go.

Ro, Mama Peaches

in the house, baby,

with something to ease

your pain.

You can't smoke in here.

Shut your punk ass up, Urkel.

"You can't smoke in... "

Here you go, Ro.

Mama got something for you.

Here you go, baby.

A little sip. There you go.

You just take yourself

a little sip, now.

- Relax.

- It hurts!

Breathe, baby.

Breathe.

- You did this to her.

- Huh?

- G, baby.

- Yeah, baby?

Talk to me.

Say anything.

Well, that's what your daddy

always tells me.

Whoo! Whoo!

- Whoo! Whoo!

- Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Nia?

Nia, I got your voice mail.

I came as soon as I could.

- Late again.

- Just breathe.

Oh, my God.

What the hell is that?

Call the doctor.

It's a home birth, idiot.

She's crowning.

Aren't you supposed to

boil water or something?

Why don't you stay

in the kitchen with it?

Jesus. I...

Push it, Ro!

Push it good.

- Push it.

- "Push it, Ro"

Push it real good

Ooh, push it, Ro

Push it real good

Push it, Ro, ooh, ooh

Push it good

Push it, Ro-Ro.

Push it good

Oh! Push it, Ro

- "Push it real good"

- Push it, now.

Get your ass in there

and get it out, Doctor!

We're trying to create

a serene atmosphere here.

You're not helping.

This drug-free idea

is not helping, either.

- Get out of the way.

- Why don't you go home?

Oh, God.

Holy sh*t.

Come on. Ow!

The baby's coming.

Come on!

Baby coming!

Baby not coming.

It's stuck.

What do you mean, stuck?

Grandma!

Crisco, aisle 4! Stat!

- What?

- What?

Oh, no. Breathe, baby.

Here you are.

A little shorty.

Let's hear it for the homey.

It's okay.

It's got a big thing!

It's an umbilical cord,

Fat Albert.

You did great, baby.

You did great, baby.

I'm a daddy!

Carver. Yeah.

- Bruce Leroy.

- Like George Washington Carver.

- Say hello.

- I'm a daddy.

I'm a daddy!

- Jasmine.

- You should see his eyes.

She's Jasmine,

and she's beautiful.

You are the cutest baby

in all the world.

And he smell like sh*t.

Baby, oh.

Now would be a good time

to learn how to diaper your son.

You know what?

That sounds like fun, baby.

But I gotta get

to my sparring session.

I got that fight coming up.

So, you know, I gotta get ready.

You pay for juice

out of paycheck!

How the hell he see me

back here with this?

Don't you remember? I told you

I was working tonight.

Uh, yeah.

You forgot, didn't you?

- Uh...

- Mm-hmm.

Wait.

Okay. Look, baby.

I forgot.

I'm sorry.

All right, baby?

But look.

I can't miss training.

Boxing is gonna be

our way out of here.

I can't work for your pops

forever.

Hey, I was born to fight.

Why wait?

I kick your ass right now.

You know what?

Bring it on, Grandma.

You know, your grandmama got

a big mouth.

Come shut it for me, fat-ass.

- Mama. Come on.

- Whoo!

Anytime, Grandma Jackie Chan.

Hey, I know how important

your training is to you.

But still, I think it's time for

you to take a more active role

in raising Bruce Leroy.

- Hey, baby.

- Hey.

Look at Daddy.

You're right, boo.

It's just that I get

a little nervous

when I'm with him by myself.

G, you can do this.

Thanks, guys.

Later, chump.

Hey, Tupac.

How you doing, Tupac?

Now, that is nice.

Yes. That's real nice.

I got watches, DVDs, candy.

What you want?

Skittles?

Cost you a dollar at the store.

I'll give you two for 50 cents.

Uh, no, thank you, Tupac.

I'm okay.

N*gger, you ain't never got

no money!

You always broke!

Hey!

I have exciting news.

You got Princess Ro-Ro's

allowance?

No. I enrolled us in Mommy & Me

classes this weekend.

Oh, I ain't going to that.

Mnh-mnh.

It's gonna conflict with

my strip-aerobics class.

And you know I got to lose

this extra little baby fat.

'Sides, my mama ain't never took

me nor Tupac

to none of them classes,

and we turned out just fine.

And what's up with all this

"you got to be with your baby"

stuff lately?

What you trying to say?

I ain't a good mama?

No.

It's not that.

I thought it'd be nice

if we spent some quality time

together as a family.

Maybe we could start by having

a family dinner tonight.

Mnh-mnh.

Tonight's ladies' night

at the club.

I told you I needed you

to babysit.

No, you didn't.

Look, we could go on all night

with this "he say, she say,

she say, he say" stuff.

But I say your ass is

babysitting.

Yes, dear.

You don't want that.

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