My Baby's Daddy Page #2
She said it's gonna empower her
as a woman or some bullshit.
My life is over.
I'm done.
Finished.
The three of us.
Daddies.
Ain't it great?
training so we can do it right.
Yeah.
That's it.
You know?
Do what our fathers didn't do.
Oh!
Ooh.
Oh, what's that?
A little porn?
Check it out.
They got her in stirrups
and everything.
Make that move, mama.
Damn!
Look at the size of that thing.
Looks like an alien.
- Oh!
- Ew!
Ew!
I'm Annabelle Sinclair.
And I'll be your
birthing/child-rearing expert.
And I am here to guide you
through the journey
from the womb
to the pink or blue bedroom.
I'd like to open the floor
for any pre-birthing questions.
Anybody?
Yes?
You know, is it cool to still
hit the skins during pregnancy?
He asking if it's all right
to still be tappin' that ass.
Oh, sure.
Feel free to get your swerve on
throughout the pregnancy.
Damn.
Don't be embarrassed, dear.
I ain't.
Flatulence is very normal
during pregnancy.
So let 'em rip!
Oh, cool.
Pregnant people, fool.
Well, hell,
I had to let it go, baby.
I'm gonna hand out these balls.
And I want you to put them
between your knees, okay?
Here you go.
You take this.
That's right.
Place it right there.
Hey, Nia.
Sorry, hon.
Dominic.
This is Venus, my doula.
What's a doula?
A midwife.
I gotta talk to you outside.
Come on.
Okeydoke.
Now we're gonna simulate labor.
So I would like for everyone
to get into their
most comfortable positions.
That's right.
Oh.
What are you doing here?
Well, you invited me here.
Look, it was my decision
to have this baby.
And it was a fling, Dom.
An office fling.
Dominic, you don't have to
be here.
We've discussed this.
Domineech.
Hey, Dom.
It's Louie.
Yo.
What's up?
Um...
Give me, like, hour and a half.
I think that you're gonna find
natural childbirth
to be loving, blissful,
and wonderful.
I want drugs!
Lonnie, I can't take this pain!
Lonnie!
I can get you?
Crank! Crack!
Horse tranquilizer, n*gger!
I want drugs!
- Okay. Hold on.
- Gin and juice!
I'm gonna get the nurse.
Nurse!
Is there a nurse?
Nurse!
Oh!
What happened, baby?
You drop some pickle juice?
It's my water.
- Your water?
- The baby's coming.
Oh, jeez.
Okay.
Okay, baby.
Breathe.
Cleanup, aisle 3!
Daddy! Daddy!
Get Grandpa!
You have a baby here?
No! No! No!
No one have baby here!
Grandpa Bling Bling
doctor in China.
Grandpa?
Okay. Okay.
Baby, breathe.
Watch out!
I'm going in.
What the hell?
Hey, man, what you doing?
What you doing?
Oh, my God!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Okay.
Let's go.
Ro, Mama Peaches
in the house, baby,
with something to ease
your pain.
You can't smoke in here.
Shut your punk ass up, Urkel.
"You can't smoke in... "
Here you go, Ro.
Mama got something for you.
Here you go, baby.
You just take yourself
a little sip, now.
- Relax.
- It hurts!
Breathe, baby.
Breathe.
- You did this to her.
- Huh?
- G, baby.
- Yeah, baby?
Talk to me.
Say anything.
Well, that's what your daddy
always tells me.
Whoo! Whoo!
- Whoo! Whoo!
- Whoo! Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Nia?
Nia, I got your voice mail.
I came as soon as I could.
- Late again.
- Just breathe.
Oh, my God.
What the hell is that?
Call the doctor.
It's a home birth, idiot.
She's crowning.
Aren't you supposed to
boil water or something?
Why don't you stay
in the kitchen with it?
Jesus. I...
Push it, Ro!
Push it good.
- Push it.
- "Push it, Ro"
Push it real good
Ooh, push it, Ro
Push it real good
Push it, Ro, ooh, ooh
Push it good
Push it, Ro-Ro.
Push it good
Oh! Push it, Ro
- "Push it real good"
- Push it, now.
Get your ass in there
and get it out, Doctor!
We're trying to create
a serene atmosphere here.
You're not helping.
This drug-free idea
is not helping, either.
- Get out of the way.
- Why don't you go home?
Oh, God.
Holy sh*t.
Come on. Ow!
The baby's coming.
Come on!
Baby coming!
Baby not coming.
It's stuck.
What do you mean, stuck?
Grandma!
Crisco, aisle 4! Stat!
- What?
- What?
Oh, no. Breathe, baby.
Here you are.
A little shorty.
Let's hear it for the homey.
It's okay.
It's got a big thing!
It's an umbilical cord,
Fat Albert.
You did great, baby.
You did great, baby.
I'm a daddy!
Carver. Yeah.
- Bruce Leroy.
- Like George Washington Carver.
- Say hello.
- I'm a daddy.
I'm a daddy!
- Jasmine.
- You should see his eyes.
She's Jasmine,
and she's beautiful.
You are the cutest baby
in all the world.
And he smell like sh*t.
Baby, oh.
Now would be a good time
to learn how to diaper your son.
You know what?
That sounds like fun, baby.
But I gotta get
to my sparring session.
So, you know, I gotta get ready.
You pay for juice
out of paycheck!
How the hell he see me
back here with this?
Don't you remember? I told you
I was working tonight.
Uh, yeah.
You forgot, didn't you?
- Uh...
- Mm-hmm.
Wait.
Okay. Look, baby.
I forgot.
I'm sorry.
All right, baby?
But look.
I can't miss training.
Boxing is gonna be
our way out of here.
I can't work for your pops
forever.
Hey, I was born to fight.
Why wait?
I kick your ass right now.
You know what?
Bring it on, Grandma.
You know, your grandmama got
a big mouth.
Come shut it for me, fat-ass.
- Mama. Come on.
- Whoo!
Hey, I know how important
your training is to you.
But still, I think it's time for
you to take a more active role
- Hey, baby.
- Hey.
Look at Daddy.
You're right, boo.
It's just that I get
a little nervous
when I'm with him by myself.
G, you can do this.
Thanks, guys.
Later, chump.
Hey, Tupac.
How you doing, Tupac?
Now, that is nice.
Yes. That's real nice.
I got watches, DVDs, candy.
What you want?
Skittles?
Cost you a dollar at the store.
I'll give you two for 50 cents.
Uh, no, thank you, Tupac.
I'm okay.
N*gger, you ain't never got
no money!
You always broke!
Hey!
I have exciting news.
You got Princess Ro-Ro's
allowance?
No. I enrolled us in Mommy & Me
classes this weekend.
Oh, I ain't going to that.
Mnh-mnh.
my strip-aerobics class.
And you know I got to lose
'Sides, my mama ain't never took
me nor Tupac
to none of them classes,
and we turned out just fine.
And what's up with all this
"you got to be with your baby"
stuff lately?
What you trying to say?
I ain't a good mama?
No.
It's not that.
I thought it'd be nice
together as a family.
Maybe we could start by having
Mnh-mnh.
Tonight's ladies' night
at the club.
I told you I needed you
to babysit.
No, you didn't.
Look, we could go on all night
with this "he say, she say,
she say, he say" stuff.
But I say your ass is
babysitting.
Yes, dear.
You don't want that.
0 fans
Submitted on August 05, 2018
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