My Baby's Daddy Page #4

with Carver.

It's the mama

I'm starting to doubt.

Lonnie, there are plenty

of women out there

that will treat you right, man.

There is this one girl, Brandy,

from the Mommy & Me class.

She's the bomb-diggity-fresh.

But I don't think she'd go

for a guy like me.

She would, man, if you took

some pointers from the pros.

You know what, Lon?

You need some game, dawg.

And some new slang.

'Cause "the bomb-diggity-fresh"?

Where the hell did you

get that from, anyway?

Yeah, man.

You need some style.

A makeover.

Oh.

Dawg boot camp.

Mm.

Ta-dow.

I'm listening.

Oh, no, no.

You're gonna be down. Come on.

That boy's still ugly

if you ask me.

You gotta bend your knees

a little bit.

Bend your knees a little bit.

Now swing your arms.

Not like a monkey, dawg.

You gotta loosen up.

Let the tension out.

Heel, toe.

Heel, toe.

My God.

He's white.

Hey, Brandy.

How you doin', boo?

Lonnie.

No, no, no.

You gotta talk from your nuts,

man. More bass.

This is the art of slap boxing.

A time-honored hood tradition.

Come on, Lonnie.

Put your hands up. Come on.

All right? Great.

Keep 'em up.

Uh, G?

G, man.

G.

Hey, Brandy.

How you doin', boo?

Mm.

We created a player.

Seor Lon Juan.

Mm-hmm.

The adventures

of Daddy Look Good.

So, I hear you celibate.

- What?

- Celibate.

You sellin' a bit.

I'm buyin' a bit.

Wow, Lonnie.

You look different

all pimped out.

Daddy Look Good.

DLG!

Daddy Look Good.

Are you feeling all right?

Oh, I feel real nice.

Put your hand in my pocket

and find out for yourself.

What can I get you two tonight?

Chardonnay, please.

Yac.

Colt back.

Double it up on the rocks

in a dirty glass, thickness.

I'm glad you called.

You've been on my mind.

You been runnin' through my mind

in a thong.

What?

Thong. It's a little thing.

It's like string.

It ain't the full bloomers.

Oh!

My bad.

My bad, baby.

My bad.

It's looks like you gonna

have to come out them clothes.

Goodbye, Lonnie.

Brandy.

Damn.

Be a good girl for Poppy,

all right? Be quiet.

Shh.

Okay, then.

Yeah.

That's a good girl.

Oh!

How was the date tonight?

It wasn't that good,

thanks to you two.

Didn't you use my note cards?

Yeah, I used those.

Tried to do a little

freestyling on my own.

Didn't really work.

Hey, man.

Hey, hey.

That was all Ass-anova

right there.

You know, I really like

this girl Brandy.

Little Carver really likes her.

Look, man, maybe y'all

can patch this up somehow.

Man, the way I acted tonight, G,

I'll be lucky if that woman

ever talks to me again.

You didn't take your hat off,

did you?

Like a damn fool.

Hey, Unc.

What's all the racket

down here, huh?

Babies screaming and everything.

I'm trying to go

to the bathroom.

- I can't do nothing.

- You okay, Jas?

Convenience store.

You inconvenient son of a b*tch.

Keep the damn noise down

before I break my foot off

in your ass, boy.

He's mad 'cause he got

hemorrhoids.

Oh! Hey! Hey.

- What are you doing?

- Oh, nothing.

What's going on?

- Hey.

- What?

Daddy has planned a big

family dinner on Saturday.

- Uh-huh.

- And he's invited you.

He's gonna have me as

the main course or something?

I can't this Saturday.

Why?

No Good's getting released

from prison on Saturday.

No Good is nothing but trouble.

And we have a son.

Come on.

Things are different now.

Baby, things are different

for him, too.

He's a reformed man now.

For real.

G, the two of you together

spells trouble.

Look.

All I know is that he's

my cousin

and he deserves a second chance.

Six ounces, just like Mama said.

Uh-huh. Test it.

Ahh.

There you go.

Come on.

Bruce Leroy,

that's good milk, man.

Damn, that's some good

titty milk.

Ooh, ooh.

No!

Yo, who the hell...

No Good?

That's right, baby.

I'm back on the bricks.

What the hell you comin'

through the window for?

Oh, creature of habit, dawg.

Just trying to keep

my skills sharp, man.

Ah. Ah.

Aah!

No Good's back!

Show your cousin

some love, baby.

You got it, baby.

Whoo!

Dawg, I can't believe

it's been two years

since you been locked down.

Well, had the jurisprudence

not violated

the statute of limitations

per se,

I would have only done

30 days, bro.

Did you get a law degree

in prison?

Nah. I watched "The Practice"

for two seasons.

I'm representing myself

next time.

Oh, next time, huh?

You always had game, player.

You always had game.

Speaking of game, man,

what's up with you?

You still boxing?

Yeah, but it's sort of been put

on the back burner for now.

Oh, really?

How come?

Remember we used to go

candyjacking back in the day?

- You mean the kung fu clerk.

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Let's just say that a hot temper

runs in his family.

Really?

How you know that?

Um...

Well, his daughter had my baby.

Oh, sh*t!

Hey, hey, dawg,

watch your F-ing language

in front of my son, dawg.

- Wow.

- Hey, hey.

Bruce Leroy,

it's your cousin No Good, man.

What's up, little bro?

Uh. Yep.

Gimme a little bit.

Yep. Just a slap.

- Go on. Hit it.

- Hit it, now. Hey.

That's my little man.

Drive By, my man, your label is

the first one I thought of

when I discovered

the Brothas Stylz.

Check it out.

Some people think that, like,

we kinda like a white OutKast.

If I want to know what people

think of you, I'll tell you.

- Come on.

- Very good, sir.

You remind people

of a white OutKast.

Yeah.

You really got your finger

on the pulse, there, Drive By.

You weren't thinking about going

to another label?

Well, actually, you know...

You were always

the first choice.

- Right here.

- Right here, dawg.

Here's the contracts.

Sign 'em.

Wait, wait, wait.

This is it?

I mean, this is legally binding?

This is it.

Wanna talk royalties?

Cool.

Publishing.

That's all right.

If you even want a handicapped

parking permit, get at me.

But don't you ever...

mess with me!

I have an anger-management

issue.

You understand?

Yeah, yeah. We gonna sign

that up right here.

Good.

That calls for a celebration.

Oh, we gonna pop up

some of that bubbly?

No, fool.

Milk and cookies.

- Milk and cookies?

- Milk and cookies?

You got a problem

with my milk and cookies?

- No.

- No, no.

Pleasant surprise.

Change of pace.

Well, dip, fool.

Dip!

All right.

We dipping.

- I can't get it in, dawg!

- Break it off!

Break it off, man!

Break it off!

You better dip

and eat them cookies.

Insult me,

and I'll beat your ass.

Today we're gonna discuss

something

every parent must go through.

It's potty training.

Don't make those faces.

It's not as hard as you think.

We're gonna do

some role-playing today.

Show you how to get your baby's

bottom onto the actual ring.

You might want to sing it a song

to relax the muscles.

Dookie, dookie,

doo-doo brown

Mommy, how can I be down?

Make some funny faces.

Now, it's also very important

to praise your child's movement.

"Look at that.

Look what Jason left behind.

Look at the big brown goldfish.

Yay!"

Daddy, everyone,

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