My Best Friend's Girl

Oh, let's just get in there, baby.

Let's go. Hustle. Here we go.

I love angry sex. This is the best.

Oh, you wanna do it right here, huh?

Oh, yeah... Okay.

Give up, already.

Yeah, you know.

I like this girl. Really do.

Sometimes you just know.

I'm not finished.

I tried like a motherf***er

to follow you up...

...but this door, it does a little thing

with the lock when you're inside.

Anyway, here's what I'm thinking.

We start with a blowj*b.

Yeah. I mean, obviously, you know?

And most girls

find it rewarding the way I do it...

...because I turn what is normally

a chore into, like, a training session.

It's like my own special Head Start

program. Even got Chloraseptic spray.

Do that really well,

we move on to the nasty stuff.

Bring my buddies over, maybe

take some "artsy" pictures, you know?

Do some artsy live streaming video.

Totally tasteful.

Don't worry, I'll get you paid. Easy.

That way you could

get that can opener fixed...

...lipo the back end,

maybe refurbish the balcony.

- Wait, I'm sorry. Is this a bad time?

- Yeah.

Real quick, yes to bad timing

or yes, you wanna go...?

- F*** you!

- Exactly.

- Why won't you just die already?

- I accept your rebuke of my advances.

But for future reference, could you

at least give me a reason why?

How about 10?

I love angry sex. This is the best.

It's gonna be great. Just...

Hey, we're going Dutch

on gas money, you know.

Is that your phone?

- Don't you answer?

- I don't know.

Or are you more interested

in me right now?

- I'm...

- Answer your phone. That's my phone.

Sh*t. Hold on one second. I got it.

Hello.

Hey. Yeah, I got it. I'm a knee guy.

- You need...

- Listen to me. Listen, Sarah...

Shut the f*** up.

I'm not even listen...

Oh, my God! Why aren't you...?

Dick!

- Listen. Sarah, are you pregnant?

- Oh, my God.

I'll just be a minute.

You know what, you expect me

to swallow that horseshit?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm predictable.

Well, then f***ing marry me!

- Didn't see that one coming, did you?

- What are you doing?

How am I supposed to know

it was your sister? How was I?

Okay, it was dark, I was drunk

and I thought it was you.

- Oh, she's pregnant too. Talk to her.

- What? No.

Okay, you tell your sister...

...that I'll make a donation

to Planned Parenthood in her honor.

Sarah, my ex.

Big c*nt.

Rachel, I apologize.

Sometimes when you try

a new restaurant, it's a gamble.

And today we lost.

I'm thinking to avoid

any sexual obligation, that's you.

Oh, my God.

- Everything okay?

- I can't eat this. I can't.

Perhaps I can interest you in some of

our fabulous Famine Fiesta Fries?

She could use a little more famine

and a little less fried.

Tank.

Okay. Since you have yet to

ask me anything at all...

...I just thought I should tell you

a little bit about myself.

I'm a social worker.

- Yeah, I know what you're thinking.

- Yeah?

It's very... It's challenging work...

...but it's so important.

- Whoa, whoa, there, big time.

I'm a customer satisfaction rep

at Airmeister Air Filtration Systems.

That is important work.

Because without air, we cannot live.

What can I get for you tonight?

Is the corned beef quesadilla,

is that any good?

Or what do you recommend?

Do you mean unspoiled? For example,

if you said, "Is this milk any good?"...

...your concern would not be with taste

but rather your personal safety.

Hi, my name is Pedro O'Malley.

I'll be your server for tonight.

Something to drink?

Two Baja Car Bombs on the snap.

Okay, no, I don't drink...

...but thank you.

- I wasn't ordering for you.

- I gotta warn you, the stereo's busted.

- That's okay.

I've got a little bit

of a headache, so...

See?!

It's been like this for a month!

I got it.

These are for your ears!

Thanks.

You look offended by the song!

But if you really listen,

it's not really vulgar.

It's about a guy, he's in love. And

I know he's saying, "Pop the p*ssy."

But it's a metaphor for, like:

"I wanna hug you!"

Pop that p*ssy

Hug me, hug me, hug me, hug me

It's not about f***ing.

It's about taking a relationship...

...to another level!

- What?

- Yeah. And now we see it.

So we should listen to the whole thing

so you know the story.

Listen, listen.

No, it's easy, all right? She's not

even gonna make it past dinner.

By the time I'm done, she'll know

the difference between...

...what's in the hand

and what's in the bush.

Hi.

- Yeah, we said 7:00.

- I know.

I tutor this high-school girl.

She's part of my Head Start program.

And she's slow, learning-disabled.

It's sad.

Every time I come,

I feel like I'm wasting my time.

- You know, not in her eyes.

- Actually...

No one is doubting your memory,

which is both vivid and damning.

But if I could, I'd like to briefly

challenge points four and seven.

Oh, really? Because, you know what?

I didn't even get to mention...

Oh, my God.

Please stop. Please stop.

Please stop.

So I'll call you later?

- And I'll call the cops, you a**hole.

- I had a nice time tonight.

- Hello.

- Josh, I just went on...

...the worst date of my life.

- Rachel.

- Hey, look, I'm gl...

- I'm so, so sorry.

Why are you sorry?

Baby, I was the one who...

- Can we maybe, you know, grab a...?

- Yeah. Yeah, no, that sounds great.

- Yeah.

- I'd really like that.

Listen, I'm out with a friend right now.

But can I call you?

- What about dinner tomorrow night?

- I'd like that.

Yeah, I'd like that too. All right.

I'm so glad you called. All right, bye.

Told you.

I just show them the difference...

...between what's in the hand

and what's in the bush.

You have mastered

the female psyche.

To get them to run,

I make them think that I'm sh*t.

To get them to come,

I make them think they're sh*t.

Either way, you're the a**hole.

It's what I do.

Sorry.

All right.

Look at you, all white and thin.

I bet if I laid you on this bar,

she could snort you.

Listen, beauty queen.

I know people are concerned about

you because you're dangerously thin.

But I'm not one of those people.

Yet I am concerned.

That you've had too many drinks...

...and your fingers are in this bowl

like it's one of your sorority sisters.

These pretzeled devils,

far from complimentary.

I mean, baby,

get your head in the game.

Nothing tastes as good

as looking good.

- That is just...

- Excuse me.

Are you psycho? I mean,

how can you even begin to talk to...?

Easy, Urlacher.

Ever notice it's the linebackers

concerned with people not eating?

If the p*ssy police here would

stop ordering her fries tempura...

I just had a child.

Congratulations.

I'm sure he was probably delicious.

Looks like you

downed the whole thing.

You're an a**hole.

- You really are an a**hole.

- Then walk away.

- Let me just go get my purse, okay?

- Get cigarettes.

- Let's go.

- Okay.

Take me. Take me to your house.

Take me right now to your house.

- Hey, guy.

- Tank, hey. Tank, this is Renee.

- Yeah. Come here.

- Renee, Tank.

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