My Best Friend's Girl Page #10

Alexis! Alexis, wait.

Alexis.

Just hear me out, all right? Listen.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

I did it for you.

I pushed you away because

I thought I didn't deserve you.

- You don't.

- So I made a mistake.

- Many.

- I know.

- I will never do better than you.

- I know.

- I need you in my life.

- I know.

- And I wanna apologize.

- I don't want it.

Good, because it's not for you.

I wanna apologize to myself.

I'm sorry, Tank,

that you blew it with Alexis.

- But you did.

- Because I thought you deserved...

...someone better than me.

But when I'm with you,

it's like I'm better than me.

You're the only person that could ever

make me do cardio. And I hate cardio.

I wanna faint, I want a cigarette

and I have a massive cramp.

But I would run a marathon for you.

- Okay.

- F*** me.

You ruined my sister's wedding.

But I saved her life.

That guy was a f***ing fuckface.

- You curse incessantly.

- I will never swear again.

F***. Last one.

- My parents hate you.

- Well, they'll come around.

Except your mother.

And your dad.

- Your job is a joke.

- A joke? I sell air.

I do the impossible every day.

Have you ever even read a book?

The Giving Tree.

- And?

- Among others. Countless others.

- Tank.

- I'll join a book club.

What's the matter?

You can't keep up?

You are not passionate

about anything.

Except you. I'm passionate about you.

As evidence, consider the fact...

...that I've been running

for two goddamn hours.

- I need to stop and rest.

- You sabotage dates.

You're a professional a**hole.

That's what you do.

No. It's what I did.

Tank, I just don't think

you're the one.

Not yet, but I'll get there.

You okay?

Without air, we cannot live.

I think those words resonate

with people...

...because they're really true,

you know?

What?

I thought... I thought that was a joke.

- It wasn't. What are you talking about?

- Nothing.

Air?

Because I don't really think

there's anything funny about air.

It's kind of too important.

A**hole.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- I'm Alexis.

- Hi.

Do you wanna know what

this guy did? He humiliated me.

- He embarrassed me. He literally...

- Alexis.

I'm having a conversation.

I'm having a conversation.

It's with her, it's not with you.

What this guy did to me

makes me sick every day.

Physically ill.

But is that like lovesickness

or like hatesickness?

- No, it's like morning sickness.

- What?

Yeah, I'm pregnant, okay?

So I'm sorry.

It makes me a little emotional.

- You're pregnant?

- Yes, I'm f***ing pregnant!

I probably should go.

But how? It's...

How do you think?

That's right, everybody.

This a**hole got me pregnant.

- I definitely think I should go.

- Okay, I didn't know. I didn't know.

If you think that's bad...

...you should hear what this guy

did to my sister.

- Alexis, I've apologized a million times.

- He got her pregnant too.

So there's two of us

having a baby together...

...about three and a half weeks

apart.

- Yeah.

- It was dark, I was drunk...

...and I thought it was you.

Right?

I'm gonna go now.

It was nice meeting you.

Yeah, nice to meet you too.

What's going on here?

Oh, I'm just saving another girl...

...from the worst sex

she'll ever have in her life.

Well, your mother never complained.

You wanna know why

I didn't return your e-mails?

Your pathetic calls?

You are unattractive. I said it.

I'm not attractive.

Well, let's put it this way.

I would kick your ass right now,

but my foot might get sucked in.

I'd kick your dick right now,

but my foot might get herpes.

Well, you know, you can

stop trying to be clever, Alexis.

The funniest thing that'll ever

come out of you is me.

All right, Tank.

You got the best joke here.

And it's in your pants.

- I hate you.

- I hate you too.

Oh, baby.

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