My Best Friend's Girl Page #2

- Hey, okay. Two seconds.

- Talk to me for a second.

- Yeah, I'll talk to you all night.

- All right.

Didn't I just save your ass?

I just cleaned up your bed...

...and you're shitting in it again, okay?

Aren't you getting f***ing married?

I am getting married...

...but not tonight.

- Renee. Renee, there she is.

- Josh.

There she is. She's all mine.

I have to work tomorrow.

Everybody's gotta work tomorrow.

It's Tuesday.

Good one.

I have a strict no-sleepover policy.

Yeah.

Come on, Tank, it's almost 5.

For some people that's not tonight,

it's tomorrow.

I hate those people.

Sh*t.

Dustin? Yeah, five minutes is fine.

Okay, bye.

- Dude. What the sh*t?

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I told you this was happening. As

of now, I'm training for the marathon.

Goal:
Run, don't walk. Nothing wrong

with a little bit of discipline.

By the way, you should try it.

You need discipline

like I need to miss my period.

Seriously, you're already, like...

...a crazy, insane, OCD alpha-dog...

...cyborg crazy creature.

You mean, I have a job?

And now you're gonna wake me up

at 5:
15 every single morning...

...so that eventually

you can run 26 miles in a circle.

Here's the great part. You get to

go back to sleep indefinitely. Yea!

For the record, I am involved in

a very taboo interoffice relationship.

- Morning.

- Good morning.

Dustin, the bad boy

from the wrong side of the tracks.

I'm from Lexington.

- Okay, bye.

- Bye.

- See you.

- Yeah.

That's not the secret knock.

That's the one. What's going on, man?

I need to move this into your room.

Tonight is the night.

And if all goes according to plan,

consider this move permanent.

- "Lawrence of a Labia"?

- Yeah, in a moment of weakness...

...I bought the entire EFI. The

Erotic Film Institute's top 100. Enjoy.

Where did it go wrong?

You have a serious problem.

Better than taking

sexual frustrations out...

...on a parade of one-night skanks

I'll never see again.

- True.

- Good morning.

Hey, no, no, come here. This

is Dusty, my roommate-slash-cousin.

Not technically related. Our parents

were friends until his mom walked out.

Slash-fuckhead for bringing up

bad family sh*t at inappropriate times.

It's nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

- F***ing family.

What's the plan? Bring this girl

back here, pop open chloroform...

...insert Tab A into Slot B, repeat?

No. Tonight is the night

I tell her how I feel.

Tank, this girl... This girl is my

soul mate and it's time she knew that.

Not if you want to f*** her.

You, what is the nicest thing

I've said to you since I met you?

You complimented me

on my technique.

Okay, look, I'm not you, okay?

I'm not gonna manipulate her,

I'm not gonna con her.

- I'm just gonna be myself.

- No.

Yourself is a repressed headcase that

beats more meat than Rocky Balboa.

By hiding porn, taking her to joints

you hate, training for a marathon...

...you're not showing the real you.

You're showing a highlight-reel you.

- Thus, in fact, you're conning her.

- You don't get it. You don't get it.

I love her. Alexis...

Alexis is my angel.

You get it, right?

We don't get it. We don't.

Anyway, we can skip this

"call me" scenario.

- I'm already late.

- Great.

I wanna know something.

This chick...

- What's her name?

- Alexis.

If this chick Alexis means so much to

you, how come I haven't met her yet?

Because she means

that much to me.

Mazel tov, man.

Love. Angels. Awesome.

What about that girl at camp who

used to let you play with her boobies?

- Jackie? We were 15.

- She looked like a baton with titties.

What about Gracie, love of your life...

...till you caught her blowing Holstein

freshman year?

- What's your point?

- My point is this: Lindsay, gym crush.

Melissa, your barista.

A lot of angels, Dust.

- Why you gotta be such an a**hole?

- It's what I do, man.

Good luck. If you need them,

condoms are in the medicine cabinet.

If not, Jergens lotion,

underneath my bed.

Dusty, this is absurd.

What? You love steak,

we're eating steak.

- You're a vegan.

- Not tonight. Eat, eat, eat. Enjoy.

I feel a little guilty loving steak

so much and you're a vegan.

But whatever.

I love the way you eat.

I love that you eat.

I love that you pay.

Seriously, though, I just love

watching you do anything.

I love it... I love you, Alexis.

I love you.

Oh, sh*t.

We just said more than once

we're gonna keep it light.

- We work together, we're friends.

- That's what I'm supposed to say.

Right? I mean, I'm supposed to be

the relationship tough guy, you know?

I'm the dude.

The dude can't just come out with:

"I've loved you since the moment

I first saw you, pounding out...

...a lender's agreement,

eating Cocoa Puffs...

...while some pretty boy

drooled over you."

- Michi Yamana.

- Yeah, Michi Yamana. Dick.

So I love you, madly.

Sorry. L... l... I know I need to stop.

Now, stop. Just stop speaking,

Dustin. Just shut your mouth.

I'm sorry. Wow, kamikaze, huh?

See, this is what you do to me.

- What do I say here, but...?

- I'm sorry.

But do you know how hard it's been

trying to play it cool?

- It's been five weeks.

- I know.

We haven't even had sex.

Well, that's why we're here, Alexis.

I wanted to talk to you about...

I think I'm ready

to take the next step.

Sex isn't a step, Dustin.

Being exclusive would be a step

or moving in together is a step.

Then let's move in together.

I need you to take me home.

But it just felt so right.

It just felt so right.

No, it does, it feels right.

Just not right now.

"Just not right now."

Oh, God.

God, I'm a fag.

- Dude, you canceled Spice.

- It was like 21 bucks a month, dude.

Someone had a rough night.

I'm Mr. Right...

...just not Mr. Right Now.

What...? What does that even mean?

What does that even mean?

- I told her I loved her...

- Oh, no.

What?

I went in early. No, no, I know.

I went in a little early, but she...

- Thanks for your support. Sweet.

- Dustin.

Dusty, look.

This too shall pass, all right?

But that journey begins...

...with self-exploration.

And I'm holding the map, Dusty.

Hey.

Kid, I got your 'bate crate.

You know how much

you love your 'bate crate.

"I'm like comfort food for your penis."

- What do I do?

- Okay.

What do you do?

Okay, let's look at the options.

Stalk her. But you're never gonna

be with her. Love her from a distance.

Never have a family but you could

love her kids from a distance.

Murder-suicide,

but that's trending upward.

- Or I could just hire you.

- No.

- Why not?

- I don't f*** with family.

Well, technically

we're not blood-related. Right?

Go to bed, Dust.

You're serious. Okay.

I'll get serious.

If I do this...

If I do this, I'm gonna make it

the finest Tank-ing of my career.

My f***ing masterpiece.

She'll lose her sh*t

like a sh*t collector with amnesia.

I'm talking about a Turkish twist,

epic mindfuck of a Tank-ing, okay?

Her brain'll be rocking back and forth

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes