My Best Friend's Girl Page #3

in the shower for like three weeks.

Okay? I'm talking about

demonic f***ing Tank.

I'll be flying up into the sky.

She's gonna cry tears that form

"Call Dusty" on the ground.

Yes? Am I doing it?

Tell me I'm doing it.

Okay, that was weird.

And I'm not sure that...

Listen, rain check, maybe though.

Wow, can't believe I almost resorted

to emotional terrorism. I'm sorry.

You're sweet.

Next time with the next one, maybe.

- Thank you.

- I'm here.

A little crazy. Sweet, crazy mostly.

Don't say a word.

God! Son of...

Why? That stupid...

Hi. Tank Turner,

Customer Satisfaction.

How may I help you today?

Excuse me, do you have any idea

how long I was just on hold?

It's been like an hour and a half.

Hello. In your manual...

...you've expressed a possibility

of some odor issues.

"Faint aroma," it says here on page 7.

Come on. "Faint aroma"? Bullshit.

It smells like burnt f***ing hair, dude.

Because apparently

I paid 49.90-motherfucking-5...

...so that my sweet-ass condo smells

like some Korean cat barbecue.

- Touchdown.

- You lose. You lose.

You suck.

Sir, I will gladly give you a refund, but

that's not gonna solve your problem.

New girl.

New girl

Ooh, new girl

Did the emotional terrorist win?

I just... You know, it's funny.

I never noticed your highlights...

...until somebody actually

said something.

They're actually really good.

- Just tell me how it works.

- Let me make this clear.

Before she can love you,

she has to hate me.

But before she can hate me,

she has to like me.

That may be

the hardest part of the equation.

So I set up the meet-cute.

In every movie,

the stars meet in some cutesy way.

Since every woman is looking

for that dreamy, witty, goofy guy...

...of their sitcom, rom-com fantasies,

I've gotta be that thing.

Here.

Lucky slap on the ass. Hit it.

Are you okay?

That was rough. I'm Alexis.

Wow, that looked really real.

- Is that real?

- It's real and it hurts.

Okay. So, like, what happens now?

You come back every day...

...for a couple weeks. Slowly,

eventually you build her trust.

- Daddy bee's got the honey.

- That's her number.

- Let's go eat.

- How...? How did...?

Now, remember, she's classy.

So maybe a fast-food joint.

Or wait, wait, drive-through.

Do I tell you what flavor of jam

to eat out of your boss's ass?

No. Dusty, it's what I do, okay?

You want offensive locales?

There's a place in Revere,

they let you boil your own dolphin.

Arlington, you can have

a dominatrix waitress...

...take a dump on your lap

while she peppers your Cobb salad.

I know a spot in P-town, you can get

a meat loaf shaped like a cock.

You gotta trust me.

She's not gonna know what hit her.

All right. Good luck.

- Do not wear that, please.

- What am I doing?

Just take this.

This is what you're doing.

Clean the pipes. It's mandatory to

flush them out after a relationship.

That's disgusting.

But seriously, what's wrong with me?

Dustin's a good guy.

- You're such a f***ing girl sometimes.

- Pretty good guy.

A good guy? Who cares?

A good guy is, like,

somebody that your parents dig or...

- Listen to me. In the real world... Ami.

- I'm listening.

- In the real world...

- Yes.

What if he's a good man

with a good heart...

...and he's smart? And if

he's not too rough on the eyes?

If "ifs" and "buts" were c*cks and nuts,

I'd be getting gangbanged right now.

Seriously. But it's that I wanna teach

you something that took me, like...

...years and years of promiscuity

to learn, okay?

- What is this outfit?

- It's aweso...

Hey, how many guys

have you slept with?

- Like, total? Three, right?

- Two.

- Two?

- I'm a serial monogamist.

Well, okay. That's, like, the first

big, huge problem right there.

Didn't anybody ever tell you

that you have to suck a few frogs...

...before you get to suck a prince?

I believe it's "kiss."

Pretend it's a year abroad, you know?

But instead of going to Europe, you're

gonna bang a whole shitload of dudes.

- It's awesome.

- I haven't been drunk in a long time.

Good. You need it. You need it.

Now tell me something.

What do you see in this box?

- I see into the...

- No, in the box.

An inordinate amount

of masturbatory aides...

...which some,

I pray, are novelty-sized.

Oh, my God.

Okay, that will do nicely.

- You, show her a good time tonight.

- I love you.

- Show her a good time.

- I love you.

- Such a good time. Love you.

- Have a great night.

Don't be scared without me.

- I'll be back. I'll be back.

- Yeah. I'll be waiting...

- She's my roommate.

- I bet she gives great head.

Actually, I'm sure she does.

You're pretty drunk.

I'm pretty ready to rock.

Oh, boy.

Tank, is this a Mustang?

It's a GTO.

- A... Whatever that means.

- Yeah.

Well, listen, I just wanna warn you,

my stereo's busted.

Oh, that's cool. That's cool.

Hey, this is my...

I almost lost my virginity to this song.

- Let's go.

- Yeah, let's go.

- This is a first, Tank.

- Yeah, me too.

Should we sit front row and center?

Oh, wild.

Yeah, can we get

two Long Island Iced Teas?

And put the chop-chop on that, lady.

Could you make mine a double?

And two shots of tequila, please.

Okay, let's slow down, princess.

You're getting sloshed

like it's your prom night here.

- I never went to prom. I never went.

- No shock there. I believe that.

I had the date, I had the dress.

But prom was the night my dog

bit my sister in the neck...

...and we had to put him down.

- Sh*t.

And I will never... Oh, my goodness.

- Ever forget the horror

in little Fraggle's eyes...

...as his paw went limp in my hand.

It was horrible. Blood.

It was just, like:

I'm sure that's not the only thing

that's gone limp in your hand.

I will say it. In all sincerity,

that sucks hard.

It's sad to lose a pet.

Where do they learn how to do this?

- Well, I taught them a few things.

- I wanna know.

That's incredible.

What is that?

- What is that?

- I think we should just f*** tonight.

That looks pretty.

- I'm gonna go pee.

- Got it.

Hey, I can't talk.

- Where are you?

- I'm out, I'm seeing a band.

They suck, but I'm seeing them

so I really can't talk.

- Put your "Guitar Hero" down.

- What the f*** are you talking about?

I'm not playing "Guitar Hero."

It's Saturday night. I'm out.

Just put it down.

We have problems.

All right. What's the story?

I am drunk and he's either

the biggest a**hole in America...

...or trying to convince me

he's the biggest a**hole in America.

Either way, even a broken clock is

right twice a day, but this guy...

Come on. How better to

appreciate Dustin than to do this?

Than to bang this guy,

who's obviously far inferior...

...but probably hung like Seabiscuit.

Right?

Now go. Go and bang. Bang

like you have never "bung" before.

And do it for Dustin.

Jesus.

- Baby doll...

- Hi.

- Hi.

- I'm Alexis.

- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you too.

And when it comes to love,

there's only one thing you can trust.

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