My Best Friend's Girl Page #4

It's not your friends,

it's not your head.

It's that little voice

inside your clamburger.

"Listen to me."

Watch this. It's a game.

It's called "Who's at the Door?"

And I look out the peephole.

It's the mailman.

Would it hurt you to play with her tits?

Help me out.

You can stay there. That's good.

Oh, you grab that.

I'll get the next one.

- There won't be a next time.

- Lucky me.

And our motto, basically,

is, "Without air, we..."

"Without air, we cannot live."

- Stop.

- Right.

I get it. You're a dick.

I'm sufficiently offended.

Done.

Coming up?

Suit yourself.

Enjoy the long ride home.

I'm going home, okay?

Why am I going home?

Because I'm going home.

I'm getting in the car. Eyes

in the game and the head in the ball.

Can't do it.

Just start the car.

Just start the car, baby.

Just gotta start the car,

get the f*** out of here.

Why? Because, look. Your head's

in the game, your balls are attached...

...and you're gonna go home

and maybe she'll call you maana.

Why would she call me?

She'll call Dusty.

Because she's what? Dusty's

girlfriend. Follow the bouncing ball.

She is Dusty's girlfriend.

Listen to me.

What is wrong with you, a**hole?

You asked me to trust you.

- And I trusted you.

- Done.

Somehow.

Some way.

Thank you.

Dude, you did it. She just called.

Okay, quote,

"I just had the worst night of my life."

"I just had the worst night of my life."

You did it, man.

We're having lunch tomorrow.

Tank, we're having lunch.

Can you believe it?

Dude, when it comes to being

an a**hole, you are a genius.

Genius.

Anything for a friend.

So about the other night.

Okay, I was stupid. I was stupid.

It's just... I've never gone this far

with a girl, emotionally.

- And I just lost it.

- Slow down. Slow down.

I was stupid and harsh...

...and I'm sorry.

Last night I went out

with a real a**hole. Horrible.

It just made me realize

that guys like you are so rare.

But it also made me realize

how few guys I've dated.

How few guys

I've actually gone out with.

Like, none. I need to date

and you need to date...

...other people. I'm just saying that...

What I'm trying to say is that

I wanna start over as friends first.

Like, be friends.

I like you as my friend.

Start over...

...as friends first.

- Friends.

Like Harry and Sally.

I think the point of that movie was that

men and women can't just be friends.

No, no, no,

they can be just friends...

...even date other people,

as long as they end up together...

...in the end. As long

as they end up together, right?

Yeah.

This is fun. You know, I'm gonna go

because my sister is getting married.

It's an on-again, off-again,

on-again thing.

She's freaking out, treating me like

her assistant so I'm running all over.

I'm really glad we had this talk,

you know?

Dude. You check out that sandwich

they got downstairs?

Bread is, like,

two slices of freaking pizza, man.

Only in America. F*** me.

Clean air probably shouldn't stink

like flaming ass nougat.

I got a real f***ing tough guy

over here.

I got a guy on the verge of a five-state

killing spree. Do you wanna?

Ready? Three, two, one.

- Let me transfer you to my supervisor.

- Let me transfer you to my supervisor.

- Make me proud.

- Kill it.

Hi, this is Supervisor Eugene Lenay.

- How may I help you?

- How may I help you?

- Please hold.

- Please hold.

Treat her like a bowling ball.

Strike.

Dust, hold on one second, all right?

Sir, I looked into the problem

and it'll actually fix itself.

- What's up, kid?

- You failed, Tank.

She wants to see other people.

She said she wants

to see other people?

She did. That's why

you're gonna take her out again.

Except this time,

you're gonna get seriously diabolical.

I'm talking public defecation.

Dust, you're freaking me out here,

okay? Tank-ing is a subtle art.

You can't go in there crazy

like a dragon with a hemorrhoid.

Besides, what makes you think

she'd ever wanna speak to me again?

Don't worry, I'm taking care of that.

No, you're not. You do... Dust.

Don't do anything, okay? Listen.

I have to teach a training seminar

10 minutes ago. Dusty?

All right.

- You're late, Tank.

- I know.

- You're Tank, right?

- Are you a cop?

No, Roger's friend Sonny

said you fix things.

Walk with me.

- You're late.

- Thank you.

I'm going crazy without her.

Sh*t-in-the-bed-and-roll-around crazy.

- You're late.

- Shut up.

Okay, religious girl.

How do I bump into her?

- You're late.

- No sh*t.

She's a high-school English teacher.

Guy can't really hang around a

high school these days, unfortunately.

- She gets her hair done Tuesdays.

- Love it.

What'd you do? Foot in your mouth?

Foot-long in somebody's mouth? Facts.

Let's say you're gonna have to be

a real a**hole to make me look good.

It's what I do.

- You're late.

- Yes.

Everybody, you're late.

Don't let it happen again.

I'm Tank and I will be brief.

Here at Airmeister

we have two rules.

No refunds.

The beauty of an air purifier is that

nobody can prove that it doesn't work.

Amanda, you saucy tart.

I want somebody really pissed off.

I'm talking about DEFCON 2

level of anger.

Who do you got for me, baby?

I have just the one for you. She's

furious and asked for you by name.

Put her through.

Tank Turner, Customer Satisfaction.

How may I help you?

Before we even discuss

what I received...

...which is a whole other mystery...

...I demand an explanation

for yesterday.

Ma'am, I'm fully concerned.

What happened yesterday?

Are you gay?

Or are you just an a**hole?

Oh, ma'am. Profanity is superfluous

because no verbal affront...

...could be as devastating to me

as your dissatisfaction.

Dissatisfaction?

Yes, I mean if the unit's performance

or lack thereof has left you frustrated...

See, I never saw your unit. I gave

you a chance and you didn't deliver.

Ma'am, you're upset.

I'm upset. I'm upset that you will

never, ever know what it's like...

...to sit on a hot, sweaty

summer night...

...and let that unit blow

its glorious bounty all over your face.

You think after the sh*t

you put me through...

...that I called just so

you could talk dirty to me?

I gave you a one-time

free hall pass for sex.

Good sex. Hot sex.

L... l... I f***ing roofied myself.

I'm a little confused. Amanda?

You're confused?

That makes two of us...

...because I don't know what kind

of a**hole acts like an a**hole...

...and then when it actually comes

time to be an a**hole, walks away.

Like a total a**hole.

Making me look like

an even bigger a**hole...

...for offering some big-ass a**hole

a**hole-sex in the first place.

What kind of a**hole are you?

This is actually a personal call.

Dude, you are so hired.

Excuse me for a second.

Sh*t.

A**hole.

Sorry. Offer expired.

Did you really think roses and a poem

would give you a second chance?

You rhymed "apology"

with "apologetically."

- I'm...

- I just felt bad, okay?

You're right,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes