My Best Friend's Girl Page #5

I do owe you an explanation.

I didn't sleep with you

because you're not attractive.

- There, I said it.

- Oh, thanks.

Thank you so much

because you saved me...

...from what could've been

the worst decision of my life.

- And I've eaten sushi in Tijuana.

- One-nothing.

You're below my standards.

Even for a one-night pity f***.

- And I've taken down some real hogs.

- Yeah, hogs, cows, sheep.

I bet your sex life is

a regular heavy-petting zoo.

You know what?

You're what we call a two-bagger.

That means I have to wear

a bag on my head...

...just in case

the one on yours breaks.

You sure it's not just a size thing?

Because it's gotta be tough standing at

a urinal, pissing on your own testicles.

At least I can hide my shame

in my pants.

What really sucks is having an ass...

...the size of a miniature

Mediterranean donkey. That suck...

- Don't...

- You think that's too big?

You think that's too small?

So you said do nothing,

but I did something, totally small.

I sent her a couple hundred bucks

worth of roses and a kick-ass poem.

A few stanzas, no big deal.

Did she call?

No, she didn't.

Dusty, these women, they have

a way of getting into our head.

I'm gonna give you

some fresh perspective.

Listen to me.

This girl, I'm getting a hunch.

She's built for destruction.

You can't trust her.

You know who you have to trust,

Dusty? Each other.

Yeah. It's time to let her go.

Maybe get some... You know.

Just let her go. Move on.

You want me to move on?

Give up. Want me to give up. That's

your big plan? I should just give up?

That doesn't quite work for me, okay?

That doesn't quite work for me.

I'm not some sort of misogynist...

...that can just swap out women

like they were batteries, okay?

I love her, Tank. I care more

about this girl than I do myself.

- You will never understand that.

- It's new to me.

She said she wants to be friends.

You know what? I'll give her a friend.

I'll be the best goddamn friend

she ever had.

Today was a good day for us.

We made eye contact,

although I couldn't gauge...

I gotta run.

Turn.

She's really tough to read.

Really tough to read.

I felt like... I felt like

she was a bit distracted.

Totally. Hey, can we do this later?

It's hot.

Where you going?

She's seeing someone.

Dusty.

What are you doing?

You're scaring the sh*t out of me.

Sitting in the dark like a vampire,

you creepy weirdo.

She's seeing someone.

We don't go out at night.

I get her voice mail after 10.

She's seeing someone.

- And I'm gonna find out who.

- I'm gonna take back "weirdo."

You're giving off more of

a full-blown serial psycho...

...crawlspace-full-of-skin-sombreros

vibe.

Stop. Intervention time.

It's time to forget about Alexis.

Look at me, all right?

It's time to wipe the cobwebs

off your cock and stick something.

I don't think she'd be cool with that.

Look at me, please. You definitely...

You don't need her permission.

You need to get laid.

And if you'll listen to me,

I bet I could make that happen.

This is one of the most important

things that any man can do.

A haircut?

Yes, Dusty, a haircut. Look at me.

You look like Chewbacca and

Sasquatch had a baby...

...the baby took a sh*t,

and that sh*t was blinded...

...moments before styling your hair.

- A bit harsh.

- Appointment for Dusty, please.

Grab a seat.

Great article. I've read that.

Sorry to interrupt.

My associate here is looking for

a stylist he can trust.

And this place was recommended to

us by a woman in our prayer group.

Well, is he looking

for something simple or?

Maybe a what-would-Jesus-'do.

- I'm Hilary.

- Hilary, my name is Tank.

- This is Dustin.

- Hi.

So I've got an $85 haircut

so you could have a meet-cute?

Oh, it's $ 110. Worth every penny.

In return,

I'm gonna get you a date with...

Let's just call her a confidence booster.

A slow, fat one down the middle.

I hope that's a baseball metaphor.

This pitch is in your wheelhouse.

Grand slam, upper deck. Game over.

- Hey, beauty queen.

- Hey, I have a question. I'm sorry.

I've got these little...

Is there any way...?

Yeah.

- Sh*t.

- I'm so sorry.

No, I'm sorry. Sorry.

- Is there any other way we could...?

- Yeah, okay.

Guess what.

We're all set for tonight.

Okay, hold still.

What about, like, frosting my tips?

What are you, a Mini-Wheat?

Listen, this girl's not Alexis.

She's got a bed built for sex...

...not stuffed animals.

- Wait, what?

How do you know that Alexis

has stuffed animals on her bed?

- Wait.

- Oh, my.

- F***.

- Oh, my God...

This stuff happens in salons.

Sometimes it's fixable.

- Tell him it's fixable.

- I'm gonna throw up.

Makeup, little shading,

maybe some glue.

How about an eyebrow toupee?

- Where's my eyebrow?

- I don't know what to say.

Oh, God, kill me. Kill me. Kill me!

Where's my eyebrow?

That's a new look.

- You can fix it, right?

- Sure, just pop into my DeLorean.

- It's in the back.

- Don't be a b*tch.

- You're the b*tch, b*tch.

- Hey, gossip girls. Focus on my friend.

- He's follicly deformed.

- F*** my f***ing mother.

Let's come up with this... Dusty, unless

one's missing, nobody's gonna notice.

Yeah.

- Come here. Come here, sit down.

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

You gotta be brave, man.

Oh, my God.

- Do it. It's good.

- Come on. It's gonna...

You know what?

I think it's gonna look great.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- It's gonna be really hot.

- It better be hot.

- Yeah.

F***.

Bad, bad times.

Oh, my f***ing sh*t.

I'm coming.

Oh, those are lovely.

And I see

you've got a hairstyle change.

- True.

- Claire, he's here.

Come on in. She'll be right out.

I'm sorry, I was

under the impression that we...

Us? No.

Tank said you needed a lay-up.

Are you calling me a lay-up?

No. God, no. No.

They told me you were taller.

Just for peace of mind,

the father of this child is?

In the middle of a brutal divorce

with the mother of this child.

Cool.

I mean, not cool.

That's not cool. But... But...

Here you go.

Lilies. Thoughtful.

- Sorry.

- I don't wanna give them up.

- Thanks.

- I told you.

My friend said

he was one of the good guys.

I don't know if I would say

I'm one of the...

I've been known to be

a bit of a dog sometimes.

How cute,

he's trying to convince himself.

Oh, no, you're a sweetheart,

and that's okay.

I mean, Claire needs someone like you

after the mess she's been through.

Someone nice.

Nice is nice.

- Should I take those?

- Oh, yes.

I'm sorry, sitter's running a bit late.

Can I get you something

to drink, cutie?

- Yeah, actually, as a matter of fact.

- Okay.

You can.

I'll have what he's having.

- What the f***?

- What just happened?

- He just said he wants...

- I just, I said...

He looked at Liam,

licked his lips and said:

- "I'll have what he's having."

- Okay, but what I meant...

- What does that even mean?

- What does that mean?

- I'll ex... Let me explain.

- You want me to lactate for you?

- No.

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