My Best Friend's Girl Page #6

- You want my big...

...life-giving, mothering, nurturing

breasts in your filthy mouth?

What's wrong with you?

There's a child here.

- She's got a child.

- I see the child.

- A child.

- It is a child. I was just...

- You wanna breast-feed.

- What?

That's what this is.

You're some fetishistic monster

who preys on women.

- Okay, I was just kidding.

- You're disgusting.

I was gonna throw myself at you,

and you...

I was just joking...

- Can we just start over?

- Hi.

- I just wanna start...

- Sorry, Laney, we don't need a sitter.

Groucho here made a mark

about suckling at my teat...

...and stealing my baby's milk...

...and is consequently leaving.

- Okay.

- Get the f*** out!

- Okay, I'm really sorry.

- I'm just... I'm sorry.

- No. No more. Just get out.

- I'm really sorry.

- Go, go.

Come here.

You got shot down...

...in a blaze of glory.

You cost me a job, man.

I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you.

How much?

- Forty... Fifty if it's past 11.

- Okay.

Here's 60 for your trouble.

I'm really sorry.

Sweet.

Hey, for another 60,

I'll jerk you off in the parking garage.

Jesus. Do I really

look that desperate?

There's no milk, but I'll let you suck tit

for 5 bucks a minute.

Excuse me.

Alexis!

Alexis!

Alexis, I love you!

I love you, Alexis.

I can't just be friends, okay?

Alexis, come to the door.

Come on.

- Oh, Dobler.

- Hey, hey.

Hi there. I'm so sorry,

your BFF's upstairs with another guy.

Holy sh*t, what is

going on with your eyebrows?

- Seriously, I think there's something...

- I'm sorry. She's got a guy up there?

But they're just hanging out, right?

Is she seeing this guy?

No, no, no.

No, no, just an occasional bang.

No, no. God, no. How many times

have they gone out?

- How many times have they...? Not...

- They don't go out ever.

No, he just comes over and

he bangs, and then he leaves.

- What?

- You know, she's doing this all for you.

Think about it. She's up there with

her knees by her ears, getting railed...

...so one day she can settle down

with a nice boy like you.

- I love her. I love her.

- Dustin.

- You'd better be ready. I'm serious.

- Alexis.

Alexis. Ale...

Dustin, what are you doing here?

- What is he doing here?

- Well, this is my...

It's Tank.

- This is the guy you're with?

- No, I'm not with anyone.

I'm not... We're not together.

I mean, no offense, Tank,

but we're not...

I told you. I told you that

I was gonna get out there...

...and I was gonna see other people

and I was gonna date...

...and get some experience

under my belt...

...and live my life a little bit. For once

in my life, do something like that...

...and that's exactly what I'm doing.

- Should I go?

- Yes.

- I'm gonna go.

- No, no, no.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Tank.

- You know what? I'll go.

- No, you don't go, you stay.

I should get going, I have a big day

tomorrow. My roommate's moving out.

I have sh*t to do too.

- Really?

- Bye.

- I'll call you later.

- I'll call you later.

- No, after you.

- No, you go.

No, no, please, Tank. You go first.

- All right.

- Fine.

- How can I trust you?

- I don't know.

Hey, I wasn't kidding.

You're out by tomorrow morning.

Dusty...

I thought so.

So we remember

the words of Betty Friedan:

"A woman has got to be able to say,

and not feel guilty:

'Who am I...

...and what do I want out of life?"'

That's why my Women's Studies

program will be focused...

...on the liberation,

celebration and exploration...

...of you...

...and you...

...and you.

Enjoy your weekend,

and please try to do so responsibly.

The man is Oprah.

Would you all excuse me

for just one second, please?

- Sherman, Sherman, Sherman.

- Hey, Dad.

If there's anything else I can get for

you, I'm always available, professor.

One of my teaching assistants, and

a very hard-working young woman.

Last night, I f***ed her

within an inch of her life.

True story. I'm jamming

her head through the headboard...

...I flip her over, she screams,

"Give me a choker."

I play the choirboy, "What's that?"

Star wipe to five minutes later...

...she's bucking like an epileptic

at a strobe-light convention.

I'm getting scared.

As I'm working out the 911 phone call

in my head, she goes:

Like an air bag.

Now, that's a Tuesday night.

You got a good gig, Dad.

How you doing, son?

Dusty kicked me out.

In all fairness, I was accidentally

sleeping with his pseudo-girlfriend...

...but I feel like sh*t.

Son, let me tell you a story.

December, 1977,

your mother, God rest her soul...

...throws one of her infamous

pot potlucks...

...and I find myself sozzled in

the boathouse with your Aunt Francie.

Now today, some might consider her

to be zaftig...

...but back then,

she could really hang a sundress.

How I yearned for her.

But I refrained because

it was your mother's sister.

- I get it. I f***ed up.

- No. No.

The point is, is that two days later,

I banged the sh*t out of her...

...in the back of a Bonneville while

your mother filled my prescription.

Best Pontiac sex I've ever had.

Okay, so you approve?

Guilt is just one more thing

trying to asphyxiate us during sex.

You cheat, you feel bad, you watch TV,

you feel better, you cheat again.

All right, you know what?

This girl's different.

She's smart, she's cool,

she's tough, she's a 10.

Ms. Barber, I must apologize

for my son's antiquated phraseology.

Out of desperation,

he continues to assess women...

...a base-10 value number...

...predicated solely

on their physical countenance.

That's...

- That's wrong, Sherman.

- No problem.

I moved from numbers a long time ago.

You rarely find a 10 outside of L.A.

That's ass-up polyurethane. Really

talking about a one through nine.

It was too constricting.

I'm all about the letters now.

J.

She smells like a J.

E over there in the booth.

An E is a 22 on a scale of 26.

It gets easier with practice.

- S.

- Crop-top here, she would be an F.

No, bad skin. She's a G,

maybe an H without the war paint.

But that cougar over there,

Bo Derek with the blue wrap.

- She's a solid L.

- Okay, wait a second.

That woman is 62,

that wrap is a shawl...

...that L is a Y, and

there's a reason they call them Y's.

- Come on.

- Check it.

No, good call, Sherm, good call.

I've gotta get that Lasik.

- So you gonna wing me or what?

- What's the game plan?

Being an educator,

I like to stick to the school grades...

...A, B, C and D.

You, on the other hand...

...should stay with the back 13,

thin out the herd.

Thanks, Dad.

I'm off the market right now.

I told you about this girl.

You know, she...

The other night, we're making love...

...and we're just

laying there afterwards and...

- Sharing the silence?

- Yeah.

What the f*** is wrong with you?

"Making love"?

What are you, Nora Ephron?

Is this some Redbook interview?

You sound like Liberace's

stylist's boyfriend.

"Let's just enjoy the silences

and the caprice together."

- I have no son. I have no son.

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