My Best Friend's Girl Page #7

- Dad, I dig this girl.

Good, keep talking.

And while you're talking...

...there are cougars on my right

who are clocking us.

- Can you listen?

- Soon as you put on your safari hat...

...and grab your gun.

- Dad, can you just stay here with me?

Of course I can, son.

Since you f***ed my chances with

the "Dad" play. Thanks for projecting.

Not to mention the gay-caress

maneuver for the hearing-impaired.

Can't you just be my Dad

for five f***ing seconds?

Oh, I'm sorry, you want the real

father-son bullshit. Right this way.

That girl was dating Dusty,

which means she's out of your league.

She was slumming it, Sherman.

"Now, the truth may set you free,

but first it's gonna piss you off."

Gloria Steinem said that.

My son, the booty call.

Thanks for the advice, professor.

Sh*t.

That was insane.

It was insane, right?

It was...

Hey, can I have some of that?

Who's that guy?

That's Greg, he's an old friend.

Why?

Just I'm seeing, you know,

his arm's a little low on your hip.

One of his hands is almost near

your ass. You know, for a friend.

Did you guys ever hook up? Really?

You're not serious, are you?

No. No, I'm not serious at all.

- I mean, you're in a picture with him.

- Oh, my God, you're serious.

Why don't we have a picture?

I don't know.

- I can fix that. That's easy.

- No, no, no.

- No, no. I'm naked. I don't want... Tank.

- Yeah. I know, I want that...

- Come here. You're pushing me.

- Tank.

- I'm out of the bed.

- I'm serious.

- Okay.

- That hurt.

- I'm tired.

- That really hurt.

Stupid idea. It's late.

I gotta work tomorrow.

Everybody's gotta work tomorrow.

You don't want me to stay tonight.

- I just sort of feel like it's...

- Yeah.

Totally understandable.

Yeah.

Hi.

What happened to 8?

- Eight's good.

- But you're an hour late.

Can we make it 9?

I thought you wanted

to get drinks before dinner.

I did. And I did.

Well, I'm not getting in a car

with you.

Like I tell my students,

even one drink is one drink too many.

No vehicle necessary, teach.

The place we're going is right here.

It's good. Let's go.

This is wrong.

Let's eat.

Right there.

I'm starving. I wanted to show you

this too. Look, it's my new T-shirt.

"My cock plus your p*ssy equals..."?

- "Good times"?

- That's it.

Welcome to Cheesus Crust,

where pizza is a religious experience.

How can I ordain your order?

How is the Pizza of Nazareth?

People worship it.

- I'm deeply offended.

- Me too.

These prices are outrageous.

Which is why I carry

my Flavor Savior card.

Fifteen percent off,

all who eat here religiously.

Do you think this is funny?

Good night.

- You people are sinners!

- You should have thought of that...

...19 years ago before you stopped

my mom from going into that clinic.

Have a blessed day.

Fastest ever.

Even Jesus had to eat.

- Don't.

- It was a bad date.

Well, it was supposed to be

a nice night out.

You know, my last boyfriend

never took me anywhere.

Ever.

He'd text me late at night

to come hang out at his place...

...like he was ashamed

to be seen with me in public.

- Please don't cry. Wait. Please?

- I'd make excuses for him, you know?

He's not using me, I'm using him.

- And I'm in total control...

- Total control and it's not that serious.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

But when that phone rang...

...my heart leapt, and I was there.

- Totally.

And now I finally get the chance to

go out on a real date and it's with you.

- I know, that sucks.

- No, you suck.

I do. I do suck.

I suck.

You must be hungry. Let's go eat.

My senior year, I take this girl

on a date... Horrible, date from hell.

About a week later, this frat boy

comes up and he says to me:

"Only you could make me look good."

All right? I laughed...

...until one of his buddies

then came to me and was like:

"Can you help me with my ex?"

- Tank was born.

- Yeah. Yeah, really.

- I'm sorry.

- I understand.

But...

...do you enjoy it?

I'm good at it.

I'm good at being an a**hole.

It's what I do.

- You're like the anti-Cupid.

- More like the Antichrist.

Sorry.

- Sorry.

- It's all right.

You know, in a cruel, twisted way...

...you give couples a second chance.

You're a closet romantic.

- I don't know about that.

- You are.

You know you have to

confront this girl, Alexis.

I can't.

I can't.

If you don't do this,

she will never take you seriously.

You need to march up there

and tell her how you feel.

Alexis.

Alexis, it's Tank.

Yeah.

I'm just gonna say this.

I'm gonna say it.

If you value this, us, we...

...then you will let me take you

on a proper date.

- In public.

- It's 2 a.m. In the morning.

Can we do the proper date

another time?

- Tomorrow.

- Yes.

Proper date. In public.

- Get some...

- Good night.

- Good night.

- Nice shirt.

Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.

This is for you.

Have to have a corsage.

Oh, my God.

- You gotta be kidding me.

- No, I'm not.

I never went to prom.

I remember.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

She's got a shank. You might

wanna actually focus on her.

- They're with me, okay? Thanks.

- Alexis, this is Hilary, our chaperon.

- Hi. Nice to meet you.

- Hi.

Thank you.

You two kids have fun.

I'm having fun.

Let's set the stage here.

You're 17 years old.

As you make the mistake of

heading out onto the dance floor...

...a fine, young chap

stops you on your way...

Strikingly handsome. Some

would say ruggedly good-looking.

He stops you and says, "Excuse me,

would you care to dance?"

- Don't tell me you dance.

- Me?

Never.

Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.

- That's it. That's all I've got, really.

No way.

For you.

- Let's go.

- No, I can't...

You're making this embarrassing-

myself-to-be-cute thing really difficult.

Look at this, check it out.

- Did you see that little move?

- I saw it. I wanna see more over here.

I got caught up.

- Hi.

- Hey.

Hey.

Fun, huh?

Yeah.

You know you could have

any girl out there, right?

Hey, dude, look at me.

Look at this.

It's not about

what you look like, man.

It's right here, okay?

It's attitude, it's how you look at them.

Pretend you don't give a sh*t...

...they will be on you like acne.

Guaranteed or your money back.

So, then, like, why have you been

such a kiss-ass to your girl all night?

Pulling out chairs,

throwing out compliments.

I'm on a different plan. You're on a...

What you... What l...

"Can I wipe your ass, baby?"

I was trying to help you, but f*** you.

F*** you, you hypocrite.

"Hey nerd, let me give you

some condescending advice."

Be cruel to women?

Fat, pathetic, sad dork.

- Old man at a high-school prom.

- Husky b*tch.

Don't get ahead of yourself here.

And I'm just curious...

...but are you seeing anybody?

- No.

No?

- Are you?

- No.

What about that awkward night

with that guy?

You still calling him?

He kind of disappeared.

I haven't heard from him since he quit.

Maybe you could call him. You know?

See how he's holding up kind of thing.

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