My Best Friend's Girl Page #8

- What?

- Or don't.

It's... It's your choice.

I mean, I'm just saying...

- No, I know. It's sweet.

- Polite.

Even if it is a part of your whole show

that you've got going on tonight.

You're pulling out all the stops.

Sweet Tank.

Sweet Tank is way into me.

You know what, though?

You're right. I should call him.

I should call him.

I think I'll say good night.

- Yes, I will be going.

- Wait, what?

Good night.

I got what I wanted. A real first date.

Although this may be the worst

possible time to admit it...

...l'm not good at the no-sex thing.

So I'll see you later.

Hey, if you insist on celibacy...

...do you think we can have

our second official date on July 7?

Because my sister is getting married.

And it would be great...

...if you'd come with me.

Yes, I can do that.

But I'm gonna walk away...

...because...

- You're missing out.

After a while, crocodile.

You know, it was really cool

of you to call, Alexis.

Lunch, wedding errands.

Just like old times, huh?

I haven't seen you since I took

my leave of absence from work.

Yeah, I heard you quit.

Oh, no, no, no, I just...

I took a sabbatical. A sabbatical.

I just wanted to do

some soul-searching.

- My sister picked it out.

- Well, you should thank her.

- The whole world should thank her.

- Well, you're welcome.

- Speaking of the devil.

- Oh, my gosh.

I love it. I love it so much.

This is my friend, Dustin.

This is my sister.

- Oh, hi.

- No. Get over here.

- What?

- Congratulations.

Alexis will not shut up about you,

the wedding...

That was really smart.

That was so smart, yeah.

See, I brought mine too. Hi.

It's really the only opinion

that means anything these days.

Oh, my gosh.

You have to see my dress.

Great, now.

- Yeah, I did it when...

- Alexis, I'm sorry.

I'm the...

I'm the dress-shopping gay pal?

I just think that now's

not the time to set her straight.

She's a little crazy, she's manic.

I get that we're in slow-down mode...

...but I'm not gonna, like,

meet your parents...

...under the pretext of the gay friend.

I mean, that's ridic...

What? No, I don't mean "meet

your parents" meet your parents.

I just mean at the wedding,

I'm sure I'll casually bump into them...

- That's... What?

- I'm sorry, excuse me one second.

- Dustin, you need to...

- What? What?

Yeah, what? What is it? What?

Is something wrong?

- Do you not want me to come?

- You've got it all...

- You... You don't want me to?

- Wrong.

Yeah, no. No.

- Totally. You know what? Sorry.

- Dustin, I have to...

- That was presumptuous.

- Promise me you won't be upset...

...if I tell you something.

- Yeah, what?

I'm seeing somebody.

And so I asked him

to come with me to the wedding.

- You're... You're upset.

- No. What?

Upset? No. Why would I be upset?

Come on. That's crazy.

Like I'm a guy that gets upset.

Come on. More like happy.

You know? I'm happy that...

That, you know.

- That you found someone special.

- It still feels a little short.

I still think that if you put the...

- So, dish.

- I just wanna make sure my...

Who is he?

Yeah, I think that's too much shoe.

Man-ischewitz, Sherman,

look at you.

You remind me of me

on my wedding day.

I was one nasty son of a b*tch.

- Dad, why did Mom marry you?

- Who makes this tux? Versace?

- Pop, come on. Fess up. Dad.

- Where'd you get this tux?

- The black on black.

- Come on, Dad, really.

Your mother was

an incredible woman...

...but she had awful judgment.

She was always trying to

find the better man inside me.

Unfortunately, she found him

inside of her psychotherapist, Janine.

Not good.

See, I always knew that your mom was

the best it was ever gonna get for me.

And I never asked the more

important question, which is:

Was I the best it was

ever gonna get for her?

You're not so bad, Pop.

I'm a fraud, Sherman. Yeah.

And I'm a selfish a**hole.

And so are you.

So I want you to get out there...

...and I want you to revel in it.

- Oh, my God.

- Hi.

- You are hot as a pistol.

- You look handsome.

- No, you. I am very...

- I am so impressed with you.

...impressed. You look beautiful.

- Do you like the red lipstick?

- I wanna do you right here.

Okay, I gotta go... Josh.

My future brother-in-law. Josh,

I want you to meet my boyfriend, Tank.

Hey, Josh. I'll be your groom...

...in today's performance of

F*** Me, I'm Getting Married.

Okay, well, I'm gonna go

tame Bridezilla.

- You want me to come? Lex?

- No, I'll look out for him. All right?

- Just breathe for a second, all right?

- I am breathing.

Now adapt.

- Are we adapting?

- Yeah.

Are we ready to evolve?

You let fly one word

about our arrangement...

...I will crush your nuts into butter.

Like the kind at the health-food store,

but not so good for you.

But... But, but...

...you play ball, I will plant your flag

right next to mine. All right?

I will make you family.

And believe me, Tank...

...you wanna be family.

- Money.

- Jesus Christ.

Like, "money" money.

Old money, new money,

f***-me money, f***-you money.

Family money, money.

Okay, yeah.

Josh, you got me all wrong.

No. I know exactly

who you are, all right?

It's Alexis who's got you all wrong.

Let's do what we do, brother.

Hey, Merrilee.

- Brian.

- Now, I've told you, fella...

...from here on out,

it's strictly Mom and Dad.

I'd like to introduce you to

your next son-in-law, Tank Turner.

This is Alexis' guy.

- I've heard so much about you.

- That is unfortunate.

Forget it all.

- Tank.

- Hi.

Tank Turner is an a**hole.

- You brought Satan to my wedding?

- Well, he's changed.

Or he's going to change.

Or he's changing.

No.

I'm sorry, but that is not enough.

Okay, maybe he's this fun vacation

on the dark side...

Rachel, Rachel, Rachel,

I'm falling in love with him.

What?

I love him.

- Hey, so...

- So many things that I want...

Oh, come here.

- I gotta go. I'm going. I'm leaving.

- Go.

Are you the best

it's ever gonna get for her?

Are you?

If anyone here can show just cause

why these two should not be joined...

...let them speak now

or forever hold their peace.

White dress.

Chick's seen more dick than this guy.

Ridonculous.

I've been wanting to come over here

because I was reminded of a joke.

A priest and a Rabbi are at a wedding.

Who knew?

And they see a small boy

bending over to tie his shoe.

So the priest says to the Rabbi:

"God, I'd really love to screw that kid."

And then the Rabbi says,

"Out of what?"

It's a visual thing,

because the kid is basically like this.

He's bending over.

Dirty Houdini. You gotta try this.

While you're giving it

to your lady from behind, okay?

Very important.

You gotta be behind her.

Start making some sounds

like you're gonna bust...

...then you pull out.

As you pull out, you let a little dribble

of saliva trickle down...

...onto the small of her back.

She thinks it's over, she flips over:

"Good, I can go to sleep."

Fireman's hose. All over.

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