My Best Friend's Girl Page #9

- I don't get it.

- You don't get it?

Here's what you're gonna do.

Go ask your mom. Right there. Pound.

Ready, and wow.

It's like lifting a coffin.

Oh, Nana. You have a lead vagina.

Hello? Yeah, I can talk.

- You weren't gonna drink.

- Can't have a glass...

...to celebrate the holy sacrament?

- Is that Jgermeister I smell?

- I don't know.

Wine, huh?

- No.

- Don't get into any trouble.

- I'm don't-ing. I'm don't-ing.

- Don't get into any trouble.

For their first dance

as a married couple...

...l'd like to present to you

Rachel and Josh.

Sorry.

Can I have this dance?

Not a good time? Okay.

Sorry, everybody. This is their night.

I'll clean that up. It's the chicken.

The bride and groom.

I'm gonna grab these. Clean.

I washed them after I threw up.

How are you? There's

a lot of talent here tonight, okay?

Lookit, lookit that one right over there.

Check out the lungs on that one.

That's Rachel's cousin. She's 15.

She's gonna be a scuba diver

when she grows up.

Not that you don't have

some stuff going on.

I'd part you like the Red Sea

and let you call me Moses.

I would open you up like

a public pool on Memorial Day.

Three words:

Let's eat.

It's okay, I got the sleeve. I caught it.

Usually they come in twos

and threes, so that's...

Cocaine, you know,

just kind of gets me sneezy.

And you, by the way, look lovely.

I just wanted to...

...say a hello to you.

All right.

Weddings get me hot and hard,

know what I'm saying?

What do you got going on?

I want that in my f***ing mouth.

When's the last time

you sh*t your pants?

- Today. Today.

- You sh*t your pants today?

- I sh*t my pants yesterday.

- Today!

- Me, today.

- Just a little. But not a whole sh*t.

Hey. Hey, Alexis sent me

to look for you, so let's go.

Let me just take a snapshot

of you in my mind right now.

Gross. F***, I can

smell you from here, dude.

- How drunk are you right now?

- I had massive amounts of alcohol.

I'm embarrassed.

But I'm sobering up now...

...and I feel better.

Having a little chat.

With my friend.

Taking a breather. Breathing.

F***ing goddamn it.

What do you call that sh*t, A. J?

Afghani-Kush Kryptonite.

Kryptonite. It killed Superman.

I'm just a man.

You really are, like, a super

special kind of a**hole, aren't you?

I ride the special-kind-of-a**hole bus.

- Do you really?

- All right. Okay.

- One more bite.

- What are you doing?

Alexis is gonna freak out

when she sees this.

- No she won't.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- She's understanding.

- Oh, my God, dude.

- She's never gonna forgive you.

- All right. I'm coming. I'm coming.

- What a day.

- Yeah.

May I partake?

My daughter got married today.

- Wonderful.

- Oh, God, I feel old.

I bet back in the day, you were

one hot slice of fuckberry pie.

You bet your sweet ass I was.

Hey. I love your shoes.

So are we gonna do this or what?

Come on, it's not gonna

suck itself, Mama.

Oh, my God.

Who is this guy?

And he's ruining my entire wedding.

He ruined my dance,

my actual dance.

No, it's ruined.

And... Why did you bring him here?

It's disgusting.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Are you kidding me?

- He really?

I got a bass-ackward way of

showing it, but I care about you.

Tank. Tank! How could you?!

My ex, Sarah. C*nt.

Oh, no. You're not gonna

walk away from me.

You're gonna talk to me.

This is insane.

Who is that person, huh?

Who is that guy?

This is me. I'm an a**hole.

You had your chance with a good guy

and you threw it away.

- Who?

- Dustin.

- You have no right to tell me...

- No, Dustin. Dustin's here.

Dustin. Dustin?

- Dustin?

- Be careful.

Tank!

It's time you all knew the truth.

Would you stop? If I go down,

you're coming with me, okay?

Okay? So I'm sure every...

Don't touch.

I would like to share something

with you about Mr. Tank Turner.

Surely by now he's charmed his way

into your hearts... Stop.

Charmed his way into your hearts

but I've got something to tell you.

Tank Turner is a fraud.

Okay? Why don't you

take a walk with me?

- Hey! Come with me, okay?

- Dustin.

Would you guys like to know

what this man...? Excuse me.

- What this man does as a hobby?

- Stop.

- You stop! You stop! Okay?

- Please.

- Hold on.

- I'm sorry.

Let's say, for example...

...I get dumped by my girl.

And I want to pay him

to go out with her...

- Oh, boy.

...terrorize her...

...and have her come screaming back

into my arms.

So your Mr. Perfect...

Your Mr. Perfect...

...is actually Mr. A**hole-

D*ckhead-Shitface-Guy, okay?

Alexis, l... l...

I loved you so much.

I did. And I just,

I couldn't bear to lose you...

...and so I made a deal

with the devil.

That's what I did. Which is pathetic.

- I'm a pathetic fool.

- Yeah, okay.

- But... But what does that make him?

- Okay, stop. Stop it.

Just tell me this isn't true.

Ask him.

- Baby, sorry.

- You make me sick.

- Ask him.

- I hate you.

- Ask him.

- I'm gonna kill you!

I'm gonna kill you!

- I work on referrals.

- Okay.

You're honestly gonna tell me...

...that you and I, that's nothing?

That's nothing?

I'm just a job?

I need you to tell me.

Tank, tell me right now...

...that I'm just a job.

- Tell me to my face.

- You're just a job.

Just a job.

I never wanna see you again.

Yeah.

Alexis. Alexis.

I'm gonna kill you!

Motherf***er.

You have one new message.

Dust, you were right.

Alexis is an angel...

...and she deserves the best.

And that's you.

So I'm sorry it took so long...

...but I finally did

what you hired me to do.

I got a bass-ackward way of

showing it, but I care about you.

Tank. Tank! How could you?!

My ex, Sarah. C*nt.

Did you love her?

Do you love her?

That's all I wanna know.

I don't even know what that means.

Yeah. Well, apparently, neither do I.

All I know is that me and her

ends up with her hurt.

It's inevitable.

Turners and women, right, Pop?

Yeah.

I banged a lot of women, Sherman.

I've been banging

since back in the day...

...when you were

laminating pictures of them.

So, yeah, that's me.

That's this guy, but that ain't you.

No.

Last night, you proved something

that I have long feared.

And that is...

...you may just

take after your mother.

Yeah, I can't believe you actually

tried to give Alexis up for me.

I know, dude.

- That's pretty f***ed up, right?

- Yeah.

I mean, if that's not love...

Yeah, I'm sorry, man.

I'm sorry. I'm the guy who...

You were my best friend.

I still am.

You guys gonna make out now, huh?

Go ahead, stick your tongue

in his mouth. That'll clear the air.

How about a?

Look, I know I kind of lost it for a while,

but now I'm seeing things clearly.

You need to get her back.

- But I don't deserve her.

- No, you... Tank.

If you were willing to give her up,

you deserve her.

That's f***ed up, but you're right.

She's my angel

and it's time she knew.

Yes. So, what's stopping you?

I propositioned her mother

for a blowj*b.

Man, that is great.

That is so great. Yes.

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