My Best Friend's Wedding Page #16

KIMMY (O.S.)

My groom-person! Your family

needs you!

His master's voice. He gives Julianne a smile. And goes. She's

left with the box.

Gazes at the ring. Lifts it out.

MANDY/SAMMY

(O.S., singing)

Well, I look over yon-der,

And what did I see-ee-ee?

Slips it on her left hand. Ring finger.

MANDY/SAMMY

(O.S., singing)

Comin too car-ryyy.

Me ho-o-ome...

Touches it. Turns it on her finger. So many emotions.

MANDY/SAMMY

(O.S., singing)

It was a hand. Of a-a-angels.

Coming' for me-e-ee...

Tries to pull it off.

MANDY/SAMMY

(O.S., singing)

Comin' for to carry me home.

It won't come. Not even close.

INT. CRAB HOUSE - NIGHT

CLOSE on a bowl filled with squares of butter. HEAR the butt of

conversation from a rowdy, friendly joint. Julianne's right hand

REACHES to the bowl, fingers trace the rim innocently, then...

... SLIDE the bowl into Julianne's lap beneath the table. Her right

hand MASSAGES all the butter into a gooey revolving mess. We can

pick out familiar voices now, family in distance, the twins closer.

As, hidden from view, Julianne brings...

... her left hand from her pocket. Yep. The ring is still there.

The finger already red and swollen from pacicky efforts to pull it

off. And as APPLAUSE surrounds us, Julianne...

PLUNGES her ring finger into the morass of grease, frantically

TEARING at the ring, butter SPLURGING on her pants, everywhere, as

we PULL BACK to see...

... the long table covered with butcher paper, the family at the far

end, the twins down here with us, a mug of beer for each place, as

team of waiters with heaping platters of CRABS, which they...

... FLING across the butcher paper, as APPLAUSE continues from

everyone but Julianne, who still struggles secretly. As the waiters

set huge wooden MALLETS in front of each guest, Joe O'Neal rises,

POUNDS the table with his mallet for attention.

JOE:

Like to welcome ever'body to

our little rehearsal supper...

He COUGHS, unaccustomed to public speaking. Walter and Isabelle

clap and call out support. So Joe lifts his mallet...

JOE:

Okay, everyone stand up!

And everyone does. With one exception. Trapped. She JAMS her

left hand in her coat pocket, SMEARS her right palm sort of clean

on the underside of the table, GRABS her mallet and JUMPS UP.

JOE:

To the bride, uh, goes the

honor... of cracking the first

crab!

Everyone applauses by banging their mallets. Joe RAISES his high.

Everybody imitates.

KIMMY:

But first, a toast!

And everybody SNATCHES up their beers with their left hands, as

Julianne DROPS her mallet with a HORRIFIC CRASH, grabbing her beer,

looking up to...

JULIANNE:

(on the spot)

I'm right-handed.

A hugely embarrassing half-second. Bailed out by...

KIMMY:

To our host, my cuddly Papa

Joe.

All turns.

KIMMY:

Who taught me to play "Blue

Hawaii." On my nose.

With a look at Julianne, Kim sets down her mallet gently, and

performs a nasal HUM of the tropical standard, strikingly her nostril

repeatedly for vibrato. It is charming, and everybody watches.

INT. HOTEL BALLROOM - LATER

CLOSE on an actual, living, if geriatric, LION. He blinks from his

cage, bored as hell. HEAR the surrounding noise, chatter, LOUD

Sinatra music, of a very large party. PULL BACK to see...

... and overdecorated BALLROOM, in dim and dramatic lighting,

dripping with the trappings of ANCIENT ROME. The mingling guests

are the neatly one hundred females of the wedding party, most of

them older women. They are served by wandering well-built ATHLETES

in Roman togas or gladiator costumes. PAN TO...

... Julianne, still in her suit, hiding by a table piled with a

carload of grapes. Her left hand still buried in her pocket. The

eyes of a hunted animal. From nowhere...

MANDY/SAMMY (O.S.)

Boo!!!

She JUMPS a foot, both hands FLYING UP, left one awkwardly slamming

back into its pocket. The girls have snuck up behind her. They

have changed into hot gowns that are really only wide ribbons

wrapped around their bodies.

MANDY:

I know why you're scared of our

party. It's too hip.

Sinatra singing "Stranger In The Night." Hugely-muscled, half-naked

black and white studs, serving enchanted blue-haired ladies.

SAMMY:

Kimberly wanted to tickle the

grandmas, so we figured, give

'em a cheap thrill. Walter

supplied the decorative

touches...

SAMMY:

(points out the jokes)

Nose tackle from the Bears...

power forward from the Bulls...

defenseman from the Black

Hawks... my personal favorite,

the designated hitter...

MANDY:

... I'm partial to the tight end.

SAMMY:

This is USDA Prime, largely

available, beef. With no notice-

able competition, present company

excepted...

Now they stare at her. With identical, really odd, smiles.

SAMMY:

And yet here you are. All

celibate and reclusive.

MANDY:

With those big, dark, haunted eyes.

As if you were harborin' some...

unspeakably... guilty... secret.

Oh.

JULIANNE:

Well, I'm worried about something.

Something. Their expressions are deliciously, identically

expectant.

JULIANNE:

Oh. I left this really important

file in Walter's office. I have

to send my editor some...

Some...

JULIANNE:

... figures. On territorial sales.

To close my book deal.

Uh-huh...

JULIANNE:

So Kim gave me the key. And

Michael's on his way, to drive

me down to Wal...

SAMMY:

Oh. We thought it was the ring.

Julianne blinks. Ring...?

MANDY:

The one you better get the f***

off your third finger left hand.

Ah. That ring.

JULIANNE:

Well. See. That was a...

reflex to see if it would...

MANDY:

(helpful)

... look good on Kimberly.

JULIANNE:

Right. And then it didn't want

to come off. Exactly.

SAMMY:

Maybe it's happy there.

MANDY:

Oh the way out of the crab house?

We asked Michael if we could see

the ring?

SAMMY:

He said you told him. It'd be

safer with you.

MANDY:

An so it is.

Julianne for once is speechless. To our amazement, the girls wear

identical smiles of kindness and support.

MANDY:

Shut up, sugar, he's on his way.

Let's get to work.

INT. HOTEL KITCHEN - NIGHT

Huge gleaming chaotic kitchen. Cooks, waiters, working at top

speed. The three women RACE in, look around frantically, half the

guys stop to ogle the twins. CUT TO...

ANGLES... and industrial-sized jar of peanut butter. Julianne's hand

PLUNGES in, halfway to the rolled-up sleeve at her elbow. SMOOCHES

it around, real good. PULL BACK to reveal...

... she is surrounded by the twins and six guys, all SHOUTING

conflicting instructions. Julianne FLINGS off the excess SLOP.

Tugs for all she's worth...

EIGHT PEOPLE:

TWIST IT! TWIST IT!

Nada. It won't budge. A sous chef WIPES her hand with a towel, a

janitor CRASHES a tool kit onto the counter. THROWS it open, pulls

out...

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