My Best Friend's Wedding Page #2

The kid stunned, speechless. People lose jobs for a lot less.

JULIANNE:

You won't miss much, I promise

there was no sex.

He reddens and disappears.

DIGGER:

I've lost interest.

JULIANNE:

He takes a razor from his dinky

little dopp kit, cuts his fingertip,

takes my hand, does the same to me...

She places the tips of her index fingers together.

DIGGER:

Blood oath.

JULIANNE:

He says, "Swear. When we're both

28, if we've never been married...

we marry each other!"

And laughs again. Can you believe that? But Digger isn't smiling.

She wonders why. Begins to spoon black squid ink onto her risotto.

JULIANNE:

See, he figured that would be a

sign from God, or someone of

comparable authority, that we'd

misunderstood our destinies.

He still has this real serious look. She's still spooning ink.

JULIANNE:

We never talked about it again. I

don't know what made me think of...

DIGGER (quietly)

I do.

And everything. Stops. She lifts her spoon, mesmerized by the

gravity of his tone.

DIGGER:

You'll be 28 in three weeks.

How old is he?

Holy. F***ing. Sh*t. It hits her like a ton of lead bricks. She

shovels some swampy risotto into her mouth, without looking.

JULIANNE:

You think...

DIGGER:

Desperate. To talk.

She shovels in more drippy black goop. It is really disgusting.

JULIANNE:

He's not proposing marriage,

there's no way I'm buying one

word of th...

DIGGER:

Then why are you compulsively

eating? If you're not hysterical?

More goes in. Her lips and mouth completely black. Like a circus

clown.

JULIANNE:

He can't do that to me!

DIGGER:

We're about to find out.

Ink is now dribbling out of the black hole of her mouth and down

her face. She absently dabs a napkin, keeping some of it from

reaching her sweater.

JULIANNE:

When I turn him down...

She realizes the full weight of the truth.

JULIANNE:

We'll never be the same.

DIGGER:

I have a suggestion...

JULIANNE:

I'll have to kill myself before I

call him.

Staring in each other's eyes.

DIGGER (sadly)

That was it.

INT. JULIANNE'S BATHROOM - LATE NIGHT

Julianne furiously scrubs her blackened tongue with a toothbrush.

Gray foam pours from her mouth, spattering the oversized basketball

jersey she wears as a nightshirt. In the mirror, her troubled eyes

dwell on Michael, flick to the cordless phone standing ominously on

the closed toilet lid.

She spits, sticks her tongue way out. Incredibly black. Great.

Depressed, terrified, and disfigured for life. She snatches up the

hated phone, and wanders aimlessly into...

... her bedroom. West Village view. Defiantly jumbled, aggres-

sively eclectic. Traces of wonderful taste mixed with I-like-it-

you-got-a-problem-with-that? She stumbles around, rehearsing...

JULIANNE:

This is awkward timing, Michael,

I just joined this convent, and

they never give your deposit ba...

Stops. Full-length mirror. She straightens her hair, to look her

best.

JULIANNE:

Michael, I'm married.

Not enough.

JULIANNE:

... and I have two weeks to live.

Changes tone...

JULIANNE:

Michael, I'm trying to be gay,

don't confuse me.

She turns to continue pacing, and walks straight INTO a dresser.

Stuns her, momentarily. Enough, already! She punches up the

number, primping absently in the mirror. When it connects...

JULIANNE:

I was calling Michael O'Neal,

but seeing it's so late, I could

just leave a mes...

No such luck. Cut off. Waits. And then...

JULIANNE (soft)

Good evening, sir. You've been

enrolled in the Obscene Call Of

The Month Club, and th...

MICHAEL (V.O.)

Hey! God, it's so good to hear

your voice.

She forgets herself. Because it's good to hear his, too.

MICHAEL (V.O.)

I've been calling for days!

JULIANNE:

Yeh, well my old machine kept

eating messages. I tried

constructively ignoring it in

hopes of improvement, but finally...

MICHAEL (V.O., urgent)

Look, I have to ask you something.

She swallows.

MICHAEL (V.O.)

Something so incredibly important,

that if you turn me down, I don't

know what I'll d...

JULIANNE (bright)

I just have to tell you this one

thing first, okay? I mean this

will hand you the biggest laugh

of your adult life...

Silence. Come on girl, suck it up.

JULIANNE:

I was thinking about you, and I

remembered this unbelievably insane

night we spent together in Tucson,

like a thousand years ago?

More silence. Really quiet.

JULIANNE:

I mean, there's no way you could

possibly remember the...

MICHAEL (V.O., soft)

Are you kidding?

Stops her. Like a brick wall. The sweetness in his voice.

MICHAEL (V.O.)

I think about that night all

the time.

She's going to have a heart attack.

MICHAEL (V.O.)

But it's not why I called.

She blinks. It's not. And just as a tsunami of relief begins to

sweep away...

MICHAEL (V.O.)

I called because I met someone.

And her smiles breaks off. Like a spine snapping. Because there is

something in his voice.

JULIANNE:

Well, that's great. You haven't

really had anybody since Dingbat

Jennylee...

MICHAEL (V.O.)

You don't understand. I've never

felt this way about anybody!

Never. She sits down, hard. Right on the floor.

MICHAEL (V.O.)

And she's all wrong for me!

JULIANNE:

Well, somet...

MICHAEL (V.O.)

I mean she's a junior at Chicago

University, she's twenty years

old! Like when I first met you.

Like when. Julianne's mouth is suddenly dry.

MICHAEL (V.O.)

And her dad is like this billionaire

who owns the White Sox and some cable

empire, and you know how I've always

been miserably awkward around those

kinda stuffed suits...

She's finally making her mouth work...

JULIANNE:

Well, sure.

MICHAEL (V.O.)

But they're so down to earth, such

wonderful people...

JULIANNE:

You've met her parents.

MICHAEL (V.O., quiet)

Well. Sure.

Wow.

MICHAEL (V.O.)

See. We're getting married.

This Sunday.

There's a knife in her heart. She can scarcely breathe.

JULIANNE:

Michael, it's Wednesday night,

you can't possibly be getting

married on Su...

MICHAEL (V.O.)

Actually, it all starts tomorrow.

It's one of those four-day weddings,

with all the traditional events, and

ten million people flying in from

Madagascar such.

JULIANNE (incredibly lame)

Aren't you... working this weekend?

I mean, is that responsible?

MICHAEL (V.O.)

Well, the Sox are at home. SI's

letting me do a profile on the Big

Hurt. That's Frank...

JULIANNE:

(barely audible)

... Thomas, yeh.

She's staring at herself in the mirror.

MICHAEL (V.O.)

Jules. I'm scared.

A straw to lunge at.

JULIANNE:

Well, maybe we should talk ab...

MICHAEL (V.O.)

I need you.

So heartfelt. A lifetime of emotion welling in her eyes.

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