My Best Friend's Wedding Page #5

The valet gives Kimmy her ticket.

KIMMY:

I can't expect the NBA to hold

up the playoffs...

They're walking fast toward the garage elevators...

KIMMY:

I'm excited Sports Illustrated

gave him this kind of shot, he's

only there a ye...

JULIANNE:

So your honeymoon is exactly where?

Well...

KIMMY:

It depends. If San Antonio sweeps

Sacramento, we could start there.

Or Phoenix. Or depending on Indiana-

Clevel...

JULIANNE:

... garden sports, all. Little swing

of maybe fifty degrees Fahrenheit,

represents a packing challenge, but

there's fine food and cocktails at a

choice of Embassy Suit...

At the elevator. Kimmy SLAMS the button.

KIMMY:

It's his career, I'm supportive.

Look, I've been everywhere, I've

seen the world, I've laid on a beach.

I want to be with the man I love.

That's what makes it a honeymoon.

End of story. Okay?

JULIANNE:

I'm just saying he's lucky.

An empty elevator arrives. They get in.

JULIANNE:

Takes one woman in a billion to

put up with his array of sh*t.

The guy is a one-man festival of

idiosync...

Kimmy SLAMS the penthouse button. Looks at her calmly. Go on.

JULIANNE:

Well. You've been introduced

to the symphonic range of...

KIMMY:

... his snoring, yeah. He says

it's worse than ever. That

snaffle one...?

Julianne imitates an incredibly annoying high-pitched SNARL. Three

times. Kimmy nods.

KIMMY:

Well now it has this sorta

phlegm rattle behind it...

Stopped at the lobby. A family of four gets in. Oblivious, Kimmy

DEMONSTRATES the phlegm rattle. Really gets into it. As the

family watches, Julianne tries her own version. Like that? No.

More like this. The family is looking at each other.

KIMMY:

Guess what? Earplugs work.

Oh.

JULIANNE:

How about...

KIMMY:

... cigars in bed? I broke him

on that. But the bathroom's a

swamp, he wears Reeboks to dinner,

tells the same, admittedly funny,

jokes three hundred times...

Sucks in a breath...

KIMMY:

... loves action movies, subscribes

to Playboy for godsake, reads over

my shoulder, can't keep track of

the checks he writes...

Ninth floor. The family gets out. The door closes.

KIMMY:

He sucks soup through his

front teeth.

JULIANNE:

A trademark move, don't touch

it.

KIMMY:

But he sure can kiss.

JULIANNE:

It's been awhile. I'll take

your word.

KIMMY:

After two weeks of cataloguing

all his faults, I made a command

decision that changed my life.

She SLAMS the EMERGENCY STOP button. We JOLT to a halt.

KIMMY:

I threw the list away.

Shakes her head.

KIMMY:

He's not a balance sheet, so

many wonderful qualities, so

many faults. He's Michael.

From her heart.

KIMMY:

And loving him means loving

all of this.

JULIANNE:

Do you get nervous in small

confined spaces?

KIMMY:

So it's sweet of you to be

protective...

JULIANNE:

Let me rephrase that...

KIMMY:

But nothing ever could, ever

did, give me a moment's pause

about this marriage...

JULIANNE:

Do you get hysterical in small

confined spa...

KIMMY:

... except one.

Julianne's face. Stops.

JULIANNE:

Oh, yeah?

Kimmy nods. Confides...

KIMMY:

You.

A stopper.

KIMMY:

You'll always be there. In his

mind. The perfect creature he

loved for all those y...

JULIANNE:

Well, perfection can get wearing

after whi...

KIMMY:

I'm not joking. I had to face

up to all my competitive drives,

and believe me, I've got 'em.

JULIANNE:

No.

KIMMY:

And the answer was so simple.

JULIANNE:

I was gonna predict that.

KIMMY:

You win.

Julianne blinks. Excuse me?

KIMMY:

You're enshrined in his heart

and memory. Unassailable.

Which works out great.

JULIANNE:

I've missed a step.

KIMMY:

He has you on a pedestal. And

me in his arms.

Oh. Julianne smiles. LUNGES for the EMERGENCY button, YANKING it

so hard it comes OFF in her hand. A terrifying BUZZER ensures.

JULIANNE:

Jesus, we're trapped!

KIMMY:

Ju...

JULIANNE:

No, this happened to me once,

almost, it was excruciating!

Begins BANGING random buttons, out of control. Kimmy watching

this. Julianne looks WILDLY up...

JULIANNE:

There's a panel up there, you

could boost me...

RIPPING off her platform shoes.

JULIANNE:

You know how little air is

in these things? I've seen

statistics! Once you're trapped

between floors...

Kimmy taps her. Points to the lighted panel. It says PH, they've

reached the Penthouse.

JULIANNE:

God! Then the door is jammed!

Takes a heavy platform and begins BANGING the metal door with all

her strength, sending resounding BOOMS throughout the area, as

Kimmy reaches and...

... presses DOOR OPEN. The metal doors part, opening directly onto

the banquet room, just as a mighty blow comes down, and the platform

FLIES from Julianne's hand straight BETWEEN...

... two identical stunning YOUNG WOMEN, serving as twin hostesses

for the shower. A beat of mutually-stupefied looks, and we hear

the shoe CRASH somewhere, to a small spattering of SHRIEKS.

MANDY:

Mah Gawd, it's the bride,

and the woman she'll nevah

live up to!

KIMMY (mutters to Julianne)

That would be us.

SAMMY:

Did she say th' wrong thang

agin? It is so in character!

AMANDA and SAMANTHA NEWHOUSE, 19-year-old twins. True Southern

belles, with the faces of angels and bodies made for hot oil

wrestling. Mandy's hair is dyed ash blonde, Sammy's is amber.

Otherwise, the experience is similar.

JULIANNE:

(thrusts out her hand)

I'm Julianne Potter, and...

SAMMY:

... we'd be the vengeful sluts.

We came in complementary colors.

MANDY:

Have you sized up the groomsmen,

Jules? As M. of H., you get

first f***. Don't pick the

short, hairy, rich one.

JULIANNE:

... unless he has a hump.

The girls cast identical blank looks at Kimberly.

KIMMY (to the sluts)

Dry. I told you.

WOMAN'S VOICE (V.O.)

Is this Michael's Julianne?

All eyes turn to an elegant woman of barely 40. She has her

daughter's hair and eyes and slender form. But the bearing rules

half an empire. Fonda would envy.

ISABELLE:

I'm Isabelle Wallace, and my

handsome new son scarcely did

you justice, girl.

She takes both of Julianne's hands, and our heroine is sort of

magically charmed. As if touched by Glinda the Good Witch of the

North.

ISABELLE:

Now, my husband says to scoot

you over to the ballpark, so

you can hang with Michael. But

first, you have to meet a lot of

really old women.

Looking warmly in her eyes...

ISABELLE:

That is, if you've absorbed

enough profanity.

Flicks a glance at the twins. Leads Julianne off...

MANDY (O.S., pouting)

We sayed one f***.

INT. TAXI, SOUTH SIDE - DAY

Cab crawling toward COMISKEY PARK through stifling traffic.

Julianne oblivious, cellular to her ear...

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