My Boss's Daughter

You know, you ever heard

someone say that old expression,

"Everything happens for a reason"?

Well, I don't think that applies to me.

I mean, I spend every morning

rushing to work

trying to catch the same subway

to the same lousy job.

What's the reason for that?

See, I'm a researcher for one of the

biggest publishing houses in Chicago,

but where I really belong is in Creative.

The problem is, is my boss doesn't

know it yet, so I'm totally frustrated.

While my friend Paul keeps telling me,

"You gotta be optimistic.

You gotta be positive."

OK. OK. You know what?

Today is gonna be my lucky day.

Today is gonna be my...

- Aah!

- Oh! Wow!

- Hey, look at that, It's your lucky day,

- Did you just see that?

Oh, I've seen it a million times,

- You want it?

- No,

I don't want it, Go ahead,

You got a new briefcase,

Yeah, maybe its got a name

on it or something,

- Oh, come,,, What are you, nuts?

- What?

- You're gonna return it?

- Yeah,

Did you not just say

you needed a new one?

Yeah, when I get my raise,

Haven't you been working

there for, like, a year?

I bet Taylor doesn't even know

you work there, I'd be pissed,

- Are you pissed? I'd be pissed,

- Yeah, I'm-I'm a little pissed,

You know, come to think of it,

I've never really seen you angry before,

Henderson, you ever

seen Tom really angry?

- No,

- All right, fine, So I don't get angry,

What is that, a bad thing?

It's, you know, you keep it bottled up

and then sooner or later,

you come into work and you mow

everyone down with one of those,,,

- AK-47,

- AK-47, You know, just to impress, uh,,,

- Jodie Foster,

- Jodie Foster,

(chuckles)) All right, I'll do it

on your day off, all right?

(Paul) Touch, There she is,

It's your Jodie Foster,

Paul, come on, man,

How you ever gonna get

to know her if you just sit there?

It's Taylor's daughter, man, I can't just,,,

You can't just what? Huh? Are you

gonna be a loser your whole life? Hmm?

Just go over there

and talk to her, Go, Go,

- OK, fine, I'm going, I'm going,

- You're going,

Excuse me,

Aah!

(baby crying))

(mouthing))

Hi, I'm...

Ah,,,

l... Oh!

Uh,,, l... He wa...

Oh,

(dog growling))

Oh! Uh,,,

- What are you doing to my dog?

- Ma'am,,,

- Who's taunting my dog?

- No one's taunting your dog, He...

Oh! Uh,,,

Um, the-the d... Um,,,

Here, why don't you take my seat? Here,

Great, Now, that's great,

Two more minutes, and I'm gonna

be closer than you are,

Look, Opening, Go,

Just go,

Go, Go,

It's OK, Go, just go,

(conductor) Lake Street.

Lake Street is next.

You're Tom Stansfield, right?

From Research?

Yeah, Yeah, Tom, Tom Stansfield,

Stansfield from Research,

It's a growing sport, you know?

Paul, there is no way that she thought

that it was a wrestling magazine,

Oh, come on, Get over it, OK?

You're a little embarrassed,

It happens, OK?

Let me tell you something,

If I had a dime for every time

a gay naked magazine fell out of my,,,

I'm kidding, I'm kidding,

What? Paul!

No, But seriously,

so you're a little humiliated,

At least now we've established

that she knows who you are, right?

- I'm gonna have to leave the company,

- No, you're not,

Oh, God, There she is,

Oh, and I need to see the proofs

on Thailand immediately,

All right, What else have we got?

- Are you Tom?

- Yes,

- Mr, Taylor wants to see you,

- Oh,,, OK,

OK,

OK, you see? This is your chance, This

is fate, This is what I'm talking about,

It's about that new opening in Creative

and you're the man for the job,

You're gonna go in there and you're

gonna pitch him those book ideas,

No, I just,,, I'm really not ready,

Let's get to business,

Now we're steppin' up, OK,

Come on, You're gonna go in there,

you're gonna pitch him an inside curve,,,

Wait, wait, Where is my blue folder?

You don't need it, Enough with

the excuses already, Come here,

- You look good, You feel good?

- I feel like I'm gonna throw up,

Well, that's good,

I want you to use that, OK?

What is this? This dad's?

It's nice, Now get in there, OK?

- Don't-don't touch my ass,

- What? It was a light spank, It was light,

- Hey,

- Hey,

- Uh, do I just go in there?

- Um, no, He's not finished yet,

- but you can have a seat over there,

- Oh, OK,

Let me explain something

to you, Henderson,

I did not dislike your ideas,

I found them loathsome,

I hated them,

- You're dismissed,

- From your office?

Nice try,

- Good luck, You're gonna need it,,,

- He's ready to see you,

You can come in,

You know what? We should have

never let up after the Revolution!

Sit down, Sit down, Coffee?

We shouldn't have left you at toehold,

We should have driven you to the sea!

Now,,, what's this I hear

about you making threats

to spray this place with an AK-47?

What?

Oh, oh, oh, No, That,,,

I was just making a joke,

Oh, that's funny to you?

Killing everyone in this office?

No, No, No, no, no, no, The,,,

Paul said how I never get angry,,,

And what about you

making fun of midgets?

I never made fun of midgets,

You said it'd be fun to date one

because then you could rest

your beer on her head,

No, No, I never said anything like that,

Apparently Henderson thinks you did,

Now I've got a good sense of humor,

but that's just plain sick,

- But, sir, I didn't say,,,

- Audrey?

- Which file did I ask you for?

- Uh, the Platt file?

- John Platt, Not Sam Platt,

- I'm sorry, I guess I didn't think that,,,

That's right, You didn't think,

Now if it's not too much trouble,

if you could fetch me the right file,,,

- OK,

- And get Tom and me some doughnuts,

OK,

Now,,, I'm told you've been trying

to schedule a meeting with me

about some ideas, What are they?

Oh, uh,,, yeah, I had-I had some ideas,

- Something wrong with the coffee?

- Uh, no, It's fine,

- Why'd you make a face?

- What?

Oh, well,,, It's-it's a little bitter, but,,,

- Jesus, Audrey, get in here!

- Sir, really, it's f,,, It's not a problem,

- I've burped up stuff better than this,

- Sir, it's fine,

- Is something wrong?

- Taste Tom's coffee,

No, really, It's OK,

- How would you rate that?

- Well, it's not that great,

Not that great? I guess so,

Tom thinks it's sh*t,

Audrey, are you retarded?

It's not a rhetorical question,

Are you retarded?

No, I'm not retarded,

Because a retarded person can make

a cup of coffee, Am I right, Tom?

Oh, I,,, I don't-I don't really know much

about the limitations

of the handicapped,

I know of an employment agency that

hires out retarded people for $4 an hour,

So, if making a cup of coffee is too

difficult a task for you, Miss Bennett,

perhaps you'd be good enough to let

me know, and I'll contact this agency

and give a retarded person a job,

(mouths)) Wow,

- I wasn't too rough on her, was I?

- Well, she is new and all,

Maybe I was out of line, But do you

understand what I'm dealing with?

I mean, here I am trying

to fill a position in Creative,

and I can't seem to find one person

responsible enough to earn my trust,

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