My Boss's Daughter Page #3

except she was brunette

instead of blond,

and she was kinda short and dumpy,

Well, uh, ya certainly have

an interesting life, Fred,

You married, Tom?

- No, I'm single,

- No girlfriend?

No, and, no, actually I had a girlfriend,

but we, uh, broke up,

- Ah,

- Ah,

Listen, I really gotta get back to work,

and since you got your TV Guide and,,,

So, you broke up, huh? That's too bad,

- Was your ex a looker?

- Yeah,

Yeah, in my opinion she was,

I bet you you still keep a picture

of her in your wallet,

- Yeah, I do,

- Can I see it?

- Yeah, I suppose,

- OK,

Let me find her in here, There she is,

(laughing)) Oh!

Tom, you lucky man!

- Yeah,

- Oh, she is a real piece of ass!

Oh, I could knock on that back door

all day long!

- Yeah? Sh-she's a pretty girl,

- Wow,

She has gotta be wicked in bed,

Tell me she's wicked in bed, Tom,

I bet you she banged your johnson raw

every single night,

- OK,,,

- ,,,'cause that is one fine-looking broad,

All right, Hey! Would ya...

I me... You're talking about my girlfriend,

- Ex-girlfriend, you said,

- Yeah, but still, it's,,,

Come on, I'm just making conversation,

You know, guy-talk,

Look, I just,,, I don't tell comfortable

talking about my intimate relationships

with a complete stranger,

Understood,

Well, you know, given how uptight

you are talking about sex,

you pretty much

answered the question,

I am not uptight! OK?

Just because I don't feel like

revealing personal details

about my ex-girlfriend's sexual habits

does not make me uptight,

I didn't ask you anything personal,

Well, then, what the hell

do you consider personal?

Well, it'd be like, you know,

if I asked you how big your rod was,

Then I would be out of line, 100%% %,

No, no! That is no worse than

asking me if my girlfriend's a nymph,

I just asked you if she dug sex,

Besides, I wouldn't have asked

if I'd known she was frigid,

Yeah, well, she is not frigid!

Are you leaving?

Oh, yeah,

And listen, Could you do me a favor?

- It's no big deal,

- What?

A business associate of my dad's

is gonna come by to pick this up,

- It's frozen steaks, it's a gift,

- It's not cold,

Dad says that's the way the guy

likes 'em, What are you gonna do?

Will you give it to him?

(doorbell)

Just one second,

(doorbell)

- Audrey,

- Tom,

(man)) Let's go! Come on!

Oh, I guess this makes sense,

He's got you living with him now?

- Uh, no, I'm just watching his place,

- (car horn))

- He's,,, Jack's out of town,

- He is?

- Yeah,

- Aw, shoot!

I came by 'cause I was

hoping to get my job back,

You know, the one that

you got me canned from

'cause I made a bad cup

of coffee? Remember that?

Listen, I'm really sorry about that,

How can you fire someone

for making a bad cup of coffee, huh?

I know, That's what I tried to say to him,

I mean, who do you think you are -

Juan f***ing Valdez?

I might have had a future at that place

if you'd just give me half a chance,

- (man)) Let's get a move on, saddlebag!

- Oh, my God, That's my idiot boyfriend,

- (car horn))

- Hold your pants, you freakin' psycho!

God, He drives me crazy,

Oh, hey, you know, since you're on the

rug, would you mind putting these on?

- They're medical,,, I got 'em on, too,

- Ugh! Licorice,

I hate licorice, I need water

or I'm gonna throw up, Ugh!

Thanks to you, I lost my second job

inside a month and now I'm flat broke,

You lost another job?

Yeah, I got fired from my waitress job

just last Friday,

- Why did they fire you?

- Oh, I don't know,

One of the assistant managers

caught me making out with a customer,

- Excuse me?

- Well, I mean, actually the customer

was my boyfriend,

I mean, he became my boyfriend

after the incident anyway,

- You got any beer in here?

- Uh,,, Hey,

- Here we go,

- Would you mind putting these on?

It's a house rule, Oh, actually,

that's a twist,,, Aah!

That's the counter, Listen, Jack,

is just a real stickler, That'd be great,

No kidding, I found that out this morning,

(man)) I swear I am gonna freak out

and I'm gonna come in there,,,

- Oh, man, Spike's in a real mood,

- Uh,,,

- Don't even,,, hey,

- (doorbell)

- Come on, come on, come on, Sh*t,

- (Spike)) I swear to God, Audrey,

I'll piss on this guy's front steps!

Let's go!

- (knocking))

- (doorbell)

If you don't open this door this second,

I'm gonna come in there and,,,

- Hi,

- (burps))

- (clatter)

- Don't worry, Nothing broke,

Hey, Baby, come on, What are you

doing leaving me in the goddamn car?

Shake that tail, baby,

Come on, Let's get a move on,

- Hold your horses, Try acting civilized,

- Audrey!

This is Tom, the guy that I was

telling you about from the office,

Oh, the coffee dude,

You got some black ass karma

headed your way, superfreak,

Oh, we don't need no lecture

from you, Mr, High and Mighty,

Hey, shut that sass-trap of yours, little

lady, before I bounce you off the wall!

Look, I would appreciate it

if you would take this outside, please,

Hey, I'd appreciate it if you'd go

and buy yourself a bagel, Jewy,

Jewy? I'm not Jewish, And I don't

think that making fun of the,,,

- Don't pay attention to him, He's nuts,

- I'm nuts?

- Who do you think you are?

- Look, can we please take this outside?

Oh, come on,

You know what you are?

You're a filthy, little tramp,

Me? What about you and that waitress?

- Keep going,

- I never touched her ever,

- Swear?

- So help me God,

You swear on your mama's life?

Hell, woman, I ain't gonna

swear on my mama's life,

- Why not? If you're telling the truth,

- I think he's telling the truth, Audrey,

Then why won't you swear

on your mama's life?

Well, because I don't feel

like I have the right

to gamble with my mama's life,

that's why,

Gamble? But apparently

you got nothing to worry about

unless you're lying like

a hunk of morgue meat,

Hey, I ain't gonna sit here and get

called a liar by no skankin' whore!

Who you calling a whore,

you shrimp-dick bastard?!

Audrey, see now

you're just provoking him,

That's a vicious, flat-out,

bold-faced lie and you know it!

- Is it? Is it? I don't think so!

- I'll whip it out right now!

- No, no, no, I don't wanna see it,

- I'm gonna whip it out right now

and prove to you that she's a lying slut!

- Keep your meat in the fridge!

- You wanna see my piece?

- All right, All right! That is enough!

- Go get me a ruler, Tom! You go get,,,

That is it, I don't care

if you have a tiny shrimp dick!

- Or a giant whale dick, which that's,,,

- Goddamn it, Audrey!

You tell him you're a liar or I'm gonna

smash your face in, I swear!

- Wait a minute! You put that down!

- All right, Can we please just use fists?

- Come here, you little,,, (slap))

- You hit me, you bastard!

- I did not and you know it!

- He hit me!

He hit me as sure

as I'm standing right here!

- Did you hit her, Spike?

- Yes,

With an open hand,

It was with an open hand,

- So what if it's open?

- You can't,,,

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