Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List

1

Woman:
Some friendships

are so important,

You'd do anything

to make them last.

That's why Ely and I created

the no-kiss list.

What exactly is a no-kiss list,

you ask?

Well, hold on a second.

I'll get there.

Muggies, late for school.

- No.

- No.

- Switch.

- Yeah, switch.

Mm, much better.

Oh, by the way, student revolt,

classes cancelled.

- That sucks. Oh, well.

- So funny, Pinocchio.

Any more,

you're gonna need a nose job.

Woman:
One thing

you should know about me...

18 years of apartment living,

and you still believe pressing

- The down button speeds up the elevator's arrival.

- Implicitly.

...I lie all the time.

Good morning, Mrs. Loy.

I lied to Mrs. Loy

that I walked her dog

Three times a day when she went

to Atlantic city.

But honestly,

I think that dog hates me.

- Close it. Close it.

- Close it!

Good morning,

Mr. Mcallister.

Bam.

Let's do this.

I like it.

Love it.

Hello.

I lie to myself

that it's meaningless

When I don't tell Ely

that Gabriel,

The beautiful new doorman,

may occasionally text me.

- Hey, how's it going?

- And I lied to Bruce the first

When I let him let him he ever

had a shot at being my first.

I hope the day

continues to be good.

If it hasn't been good

then I hope it changes...

All right.

Step aside, kids.

- Bye, boys. Bye!

- Have a great day.

Well, that was fun.

Thank you.

Thank you.

- We're going this way.

- Oh, take me away!

Man:

Fraulein, have you ever noticed

That Gabriel's left eye

is greener than his right?

Ely, you insult me.

What are you taking me for,

some sort of amateur doorman stalker?

That's only the 37th thing

I love most about him.

Oh, my god, Naomi, remind me to

introduce you to this guy.

Freshman film freak,

goes by the name of, uh,

Bruce the second.

- He's your boyfriend.

- Oh. Right. Him,

But Gabriel's

just so gaze-worthy.

Okay. Clearly, Gabriel belongs

on the no-kiss list.

Fast, fast,

don't get hit by a moped.

- All right, keep up.

- You check the news. I'll stock up on snacks.

Why discriminate?

You know what I mean?

The no-kiss list is meant

for all truly,

Madly kissable boys,

like Robert Pattison.

It hurts knowing that person's

lips will never touch yours

Because of our ever-so-sacred

vow of no-kissing lists.

- Bye!

- Bye!

This is a new song, Otis?

Sure is, sweet baby.

Oh, I love it.

Let me tell you, baby,

what it is I'm looking for

There you go, baby.

Ain't more than a little bit

So if you got it, baby,

I'll adore you...

I'll walk you to class if we

can take the scenic route.

And I lied to Ely

that I'm okay with gay.

Ely:
Do you see

that one on the left?

Naomi:
I am.

Just... Not for him.

- Do I have to?

- Yes.

Naomi, it's not high school

anymore, okay?

Have you seen the wreckage

of our lives, lately.

Seems psych might

be good for the soul.

Go in there.

Show 'em who's boss.

It's 110% you.

- You're beautiful. I love you.

- Come with me.

No. I can't. You got this.

It's all on you.

- Go. Go. Go. Git!

- Oh! No!

I don't wanna go!

- Hug me.

- No. No. No. Back.

Come.

Oh, I lied to the NYU

admissions committee

When I told them I had

a vision for my future.

Six weeks in,

and I can barely see straight.

Naomi, over here!

I saved you a seat.

Thanks, robin.

Woman:
Good morning,

ladies and gentlemen.

We will be re-examining

chapter five in our textbook...

Oh, crap.

Ely always gives me a pen.

Thank you.

Access chapter five, page...

Naomi:

You wanna know why I lie

And what exactly ely meant

by the wreckage of our lives?

There's ely,

already making me feel better.

Ely and I have lived next door

to each other our whole lives.

I was there when his moms

could finally get married.

They may look happy here,

but it became a total sh*t show

When my dad had an affair

with Ely's mom, jenny.

The moms marriage survived...

Somehow,

But my parents' didn't.

So I started lying to my mom to

tell her she'd make it through.

It's not that I don't think

she can.

I just don't think

she wants to wake

From the pharmaceutical haze

she's been ever since dad left.

But ely and I

will always have each other.

We're city kids who never had

big backyards,

So we built our

own urban tree house

On top of the stairwell

in our building.

It's our private

hallowed ground.

Professor:

Miss? Miss? Hello?

Are you finding it difficult

to concentrate

On our discussion of Freud

and the unconscious?

Well, it may have appeared

that I was zoning out.

I was actually exploring

the very power

Of my unconscious.

Is that so?

Yes?

Paper lions:
she made a move

on me after I let a fire...

ely:
Hey, boo.

Yaffa cafe, stat.

I-I'm kind of in the middle

of something right now.

Ely, seriously, come on, please,

I need to talk to you.

My professor

just totally chewed me out.

It was humiliating.

Be in there in five.

Fine.

I'll see you in ten.

Peel away my thickest skin

I hesitate

and you pull me in

pull me in

pull me I-I-n...

Bruce, are you seriously

gonna do that all semester?

What? I'm just trying

to capture your essence.

Oh, did I tell you?

I think I decided on a title

for my student film.

"Hot child in the city."

Hot.

Oh, no, that's for ely!

Oh.

That's... Cool.

Uh, I got Orson Welles.

I'll call you later?

Yeah. Sure.

Hi, Bruce.

Bye, Bruce.

So glad you're here.

I never noticed b2

had such good teeth.

Huh?

Trust me.

Follow me.

Where are we going?

Quit complaining.

I think

we should get married here.

Well, you make me swoon from

the gritty romance of it all,

But what happened to the temple

of Dendur at the met?

This time, I don't mean you

and me getting married.

I mean, me and he.

Man:

I just wanna touch you

let me sit back...

Naomi:

Mediocre doorman by night...

Superstar baller by day.

- Good god.

- Both:
Sigh.

god, he's great with balls.

Gabriel so belongs

on the no-kiss list,

But bottom standing

will not suffice.

Yeah, but where the hell

do we put him then?

Because obviously

Donnie Weisberger

Remains a non-negotiable

number one.

- Obv.

- Yeah.

Rumor has it he's doing

habitat for humanity crap

In Guatemala dodging

the drug rap

- From the senior skip day 'shroom fiasco.

- Yeah?

- Donnie. Donnie. I miss him.

- Yea, Gabriel maybe new,

- But he's hotter than everyone else.

- Agreed.

Get it in. Come on.

Come on. Oh, yes.

And George says he's in a band.

Oh, my god.

That's even hotter.

Mm-hmm.

Well, then, welcome Gabriel

To number two on

the no-kiss list. Mwah.

Let us never forget

the importance of declaring

Certain hottie Mchot boys

off-limits.

Fine.

It is the official insurance

against Naomi and ely breakup.

- I guess.

- Friendship where we never fight over guys...

- Is a friendship that lasts forever,

- exactly.

Done.

Gabriel is off-limits.

If only our parents

had a no-kiss list.

Then maybe my dad wouldn't live

not in the building anymore,

Far, far away.

And mom Susan wouldn't still

be sleeping on the couch?

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