Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List Page #2

- I'm trying hard here

- got you.

I give you all that I got

yeah, yeah, whoa, whoa

Uh-huh, uh-huh, all you.

Call me. I'll call you.

We'll meet up later.

Oh, no, thank you.

- Smack that ass.

- Oh! Hey!

Thank you.

Ely:
Shake that. Shake it.

Shake it.

Swerving on it.

It's hard-core.

Oh, my god.

- Did you like that?

- Oh, I loved that.

God.

Do you know why I love you?

Because of my uncanny ability

to wiggle my eyebrows?

Oh, my god.

That is fascinating.

And also because...

When I feel like sticking

my head in an oven,

You pull it out,

And you put cookies

in there instead.

That was sweet.

Mm, thanks.

Check it.

Check it.

All right, let's see,

what do we got for tonight?

Um...

Apples to apples...

Trouble...

What do you wanna do?

Let's eat cookie dough.

I got a 911.

Mama G.

Yeah.

Gotta go do damage control.

I love you.

Meeya more.

And you said this was, um,

all locally grown organically?

I'm glad somebody noticed.

Forgive me for having

a deposition in the morning.

I take it couples counseling

went well today?

Hmm.

Hey, mom.

- Hi, baby.

- You hungry?

I was thinking

of ordering Chinese.

Look how thin I was there.

Am I in any of these with you?

These were before you were born.

Here's some of me.

I look so much like dad here.

The selfish bastard's not even

gonna send money this month.

We'll still be okay, right?

I don't know.

Maybe I'll start

a jewelry business.

What do you know about jewelry?

Remember that beading set

you got for Christmas?

I played with it

a lot more than you did.

Can't sleep again?

Well, at least you're

working things out.

That's what counts.

Thanks.

- I think he's in his room.

- Okay.

- Sats?

- Yes.

Floxinoxinihilipilification.

I don't have that.

The estimation that something

is valueless.

Thank you for that very cheerful

bit of wisdom,

Mr. Mcallister.

Soporific.

Soporific.

Quack.

Excuse me?

It means, like, a poser.

It was on my sats.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize

You had to take the sats

to get into doorman school.

No. It was for...

Forget it.

Why aren't you sleeping?

I tried it all...

ambien,

Counting sheep, weed, obviously,

- Complete works of Dostoevsky

- Dostoyevsky.

Don't care.

I jerked off for a while.

Okay.

That's... that's plenty.

How long has this

been going on for?

A while.

I blame Naomi.

I was five.

She was seven.

We were left alone

in the elevator together

Completely unattended,

and she lifts up her skirt

And sticks her tongue out at me.

And?

And my heart completely

leaped out of my chest.

Naomi has owned it ever since.

Wasn't that like ten years ago?

And doesn't she have

a boyfriend now?

If you're referring to Bruce 2,

then technically, yes,

But I know that I shall

forever be

Bruce 1 to her in every way.

Bruce 2, I laugh at you.

Oh, plus, just last spring,

we're back in our same elevator,

She's eating a snickers bar.

She leans into me,

and kisses me,

Completely sucking my soul

out of my body and into hers.

let me taste your honey

I need more,

I can't get enough of you

let me taste your honey

so hot,

you know just want I need

See ya.

Have a good night.

I love the taste of snickers.

Naomi.

Ely!

Where the eff were you?

I love that you worry.

I texted you, like,

37,000 times.

Happy hour had a happy ending.

I made out with

the hello hottie.

You're giving me that same look

you gave me when I told you

Whole foods stopped carrying

chocolate-chip bagels.

Fine.

It's just...

Since when do you go around

kissing random guys?

It's not random.

He's from the upper east side.

And he invited me

to his parents' place

- For Shabbat on Friday night.

- We never do the east side.

Whoa, since when?

And you're not even Jewish.

No.

But I could be.

We're 21st-century new yorkers.

We don't believe in god.

We don't believe in anything.

Whoa, I don't

not believe in anything.

I believe in the no-kiss list

And coconut cupcakes.

And I believe in you.

Snuggle me.

Since when do you actually

go around kissing boys?

Since there's actually some

super cute boys for me to kiss.

But in high school,

you never even...

High school, shmigh school.

Yuck.

Okay. In high school,

My sexuality

was purely hypothetical.

College gay's different.

Now, I can, like...

Actually meet guys.

Lots of guys.

So... Now you're, like...

Totally gay?

I've always been totally gay.

Right.

Of course.

I mean... Obviously.

But nothing has to change,

right?

I mean,

we're still Naomi and ely?

Of course

we're still Naomi and ely.

Now, we're just Naomi

and ely plus boys.

Hmm?

Beddy-bye time.

Naomi:

I lie to everyone.

But mostly...

I think I lie to myself.

Closer. Closer.

And say "Carrie".

- Both:
Carrie.

- Thanks.

So tell me, are you gonna

do it with Bruce 2?

Yet to be determined.

You've been dating for,

like, a month

Which translates to, like,

a year in college time,

And you're still doing things

that end with "alking"

Instead of things

that end in "ucking."

What are you waiting for?

I don't know.

If I get chocolate,

would you go coconut?

Mmm, I want it all.

But here's a thing...

he's, "a,"

- Kind of obsessed with me.

- Right.

- "B," Canadian.

- Yes.

And "C," a Bruce,

which is just kind of...

- Redundant.

- I was thinking more vanilla.

- Mm-hmm. Oh, my god.

- Ooh, speaking of.

- But...

- Yeah?

He tells me I'm his muse,

which is interesting, no?

Ooh. That's nice.

That's nice.

Anyways, I told him to pick me

up at the building tonight.

So you, like, actually like him?

I mean, I don't know.

Maybe I do.

And like you said,

we're in college anyway.

So, I mean, there's no reason

we shouldn't do it.

Right?

Well, what do you think?

Would you kill me if

I'm too strung out for sugar?

Read my mind much?

Home?

Yeah, home.

Awesome.

Can I help you?

Yeah.

I'm here to pick up Naomi?

You must be Bruce 2.

O, Canada

That's you, big guy.

Naomi will be right down.

She is just bleaching

her lady beard.

Girl was looking

borderline Frida Kahlo.

So not pretty.

I like that.

It's nice.

Hello, everyone.

How are we doing?

Bruce 1, meet Bruce 2.

- Hi.

- Hi.

So what are we all doing here?

We're waiting for Naomi.

What about Naomi?

- Hey.

- Hey.

So, uh, you set?

- Yeppers.

- Let's fly.

He's... Coming, too.

Okay, I know, I know, I know,

I shouldn't love a girl

Who toys so carelessly

with other people's emotions,

Especially mine,

but it's not like my brain

Has the ability

to overrule my heart.

And other parts of your anatomy.

Oh, my god, George,

that's so funny.

That's so funny.

You're such a good comedian.

You're making a penis joke.

Is that you're closer now?

God, we're talking

about real things here.

Adult feelings.

You wouldn't understand, George.

Okay, the perfect bill Murray

binge-watching weekend

Has gotta be "ghostbusters,"

"groundhog day," "rushmore,"

"caddyshack," "what about bob,"

And to end in tears,

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