Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List Page #5

Let's motor.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Got it!

Sh*t! You know what?

I forgot something.

- What did you forget?

- My dick.

You can't possibly expect me

to go anywhere

Without my dick, right, Naomi?

Two secs, meet me in the lobby?

No, not in the lobby.

I'll wait here.

Okay.

Please stay.

I want you to stay.

I don't...

This isn't some cheap thrill,

and it's...

I'm definitely not

screwing with your mind.

I don't know what this is.

But it's not that.

I'll be back soon okay?

Wait, um... Gum.

Say you forgot gum.

Thanks.

Yeah.

- Hey.

- Got your dick?

Got your dick, Naomi?

If I did, would it get me

anywhere with you?

Gum.

Naomi:

Hold up.

Bruce 2,

the prodigal son of dentists,

Only chews sugar-free gum.

Bruce 2 is an orbit man,

But ely is bubble yum's b*tch.

Since when do you chew orbit?

Since gaga replaced Madonna.

Why do you care?

Why did you really go back

to the apartment?

Told you, Helen Keller.

G-u-m.

Gum.

Wait.

Are you sure you didn't leave

anything else upstairs?

Like what?

Like your balls

to go along with your dick.

Language, gene Harlow.

Buy your own damn drinks

tonight, ely.

It's time for a changing

of the guard.

Come on, Bruce, let's take

cutie patootie for a walk.

Are we going out tonight

or what?

Have fun with whatever it is

you're lying to me about.

Because I've changed

my mind, ely,

I don't wanna go to a stupid

NYU party with you tonight.

Is this about Bruce?

- What's about me?

- Not you, the other Bruce.

- Oh, is he coming with us, too?

- Why don't you ask ely?

I just thought he was with you

when he went upstairs earlier.

Looks like colonel bastard's

upstairs in Ely's bedroom

With a candlestick.

Listen, I was always

gonna go with you okay?

You are my top priority.

oh.

That's brilliant, ely.

I am so flattered to know

that you put my needs

Over the needs of my boyfriend!

Well, I think it's safe to say

he's not your boyfriend anymore.

No, let go of me!

Fine.

I like him.

I really do.

Is that why you're hiding him?

Because you like him so much?

Do you really wanna know

why I'm hiding him?

Because I'm afraid of you.

Let's just take a chill pill.

Let's breathe in...

Both:

Shut up, George!

I need your jacket.

Go.

Come on, Bruce, I wanna dance

with somebody who loves me.

- Cutie patootie!

- It's cutie pie...

Shut up.

Have fun!

Hey, uh, Naomi?

Uh, I think I lost cutie pie.

Wanna play Candyland?

Wow, life in the big city.

Whoa, look at that navel.

Well, where's your other half?

Isn't it like some law

that if you're out

In the middle of the night,

the ely appendage is with you?

It's kind of a touchy subject.

A quick recap...

what happened is Naomi

And Bruce 2 are over,

and now Bruce 2 is with ely.

With?

Wait, Bruce and ely are...

Yeah, it's pretty crazy,

you know, ely and Bruce 2.

She was just too good

for him anyway, though.

Everyone in the building's

been saying that for weeks...

Bruce, could you just leave us?

I'll call you.

Or you call me

when you're done with...

Yeah, have your girl time.

Just call me.

Whoa, ely and...

I mean, are you okay?

You know, I don't even care

if I was Bruce 2's

Gay learning curve,

That we're so indifferent

that we're not even bothering

With an official breakup.

But I do care that my

best friend is the reason.

I know it's

a big bad world out there

With war and injustice

and global warming

And people clubbing baby seals.

I'm sorry.

I care most about

the Naomi and ely bubble.

I love him.

Friend or brother or...

Whatever shade of ely.

You must think

I'm so totally pathetic.

I guess I just thought that...

That someone as beautiful

and confident as you

Would never feel

as crappy as the rest of us.

No offense.

None taken.

- Sorry to disappoint.

- No.

It makes you...

Human.

It's a good thing.

Whoa, Naomi.

What's got you

all "girl interrupted"?

Nice costume, robin.

Yeah, thanks.

Same to you, robin.

Gabriel's shift just ended.

His band is playing

in the west village in 30.

Let's look him up, robins.

But... oh, god,

what am I gonna wear?

- This isn't a costume.

- Let's go.

- I feel like a blueberry.

- I love blueberries.

Upside down

My whole world is changing

spinning round

and out of control

I should be letting go

still I'm holding on

to you

because I'm damned if I do

Damned if I don't

drowning with you

And stranded alone

give me the deep, dark,

deep blue sea you see

give me the deep blue sea

Don't leave me stranded

Are you sure

you don't wanna stay?

I kind of want to meet him.

Not tonight.

Let's just go.

Hey, Naomi!

Hey, you came.

Thank you so much.

That's so awesome.

It's last call.

Do you want a drink?

You want to get out of here?

Let me buy you breakfast.

Come on.

Eggs, bacon.

My treat.

I don't really believe in bacon.

Cereal.

Oh, well,

I'm a mueslix man myself.

So...

You know, I'm just not

really feeling well.

I think I'm just gonna go home.

Come on.

See you later.

Hey, Gabriel.

Otis:

let me tell you, baby

what it is I'm looking for

ain't more than a little bit

so if you got it, baby,

I'll adore you

Flash that smile for me

And a personalit-y-y

s enough for me

t don't take that much

to please me

t's easy

For you to please me

all you got to do is

pay attention, baby

it's easy

oh, to please me, yeah

Hi.

So Gabriel, George,

Mr. Mcallister and I

Have all decided that we're

team Naomi, obviously.

But we kindly allowed you

to keep Mrs. Loi.

- What?

- But not the dog.

Okay, "Naomi and Ely's

new york custody agreement.

- Oh, okay.

- Mm-hmm.

"Thou shall not use

the laundry room on Sundays."

"thou shalt avoid

yaffa cafe completely."

Instead try Starbucks

on Astor place.

Thou shalt not go to magnolia,

ever."

"thou shalt look through

your peephole and make sure

That I am not in a foyer when

you were going to the elevator.

Thou shalt go

and check your mail

If you see me waiting

at the elevator lobby.

Thou shalt go straight

to the elevator

If you see me checking

my mail."

Okay.

You need to leave.

- I'll leave when you close the door.

- I'm twice your size.

- Leave now.

- Just close the door.

- Goodbye.

- Bye.

Amazing.

Give me your hand.

Okay, so maybe it wasn't phrased

like freaking ten commandments

But it was like, "if you see me

going to the elevator,

Go check your mail.

If you go check your mail,

go to the elevator."

- Can I get a pretzel?

- Like it's just...

I'm sorry,

I'm stuck on incomprehension

And just, I don't understand

how something

Could last so long

and be so strong

And just end over nothing,

you know what I mean?

Oh, my god, I'm so sorry.

Not nothing, okay?

That came out entirely wrong.

No more Naomi talk, all right?

Okay? Promise.

Come on.

And you know that pretzel's

mine, right?

Oh, really?

Aren't toes funny?

Really, Naomi?

I know what you're doing.

And that skirt

hasn't fit since 2010.

Hater!

It's 5:
00 am.

Maybe you should go to bed.

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