National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Page #2

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...if the stores were any less hooter

than they... Hotter than they are.

It is warm in here.

- When you have your coat on.

- Do I?

- How did that happen?

- Because it's cold out.

Yes. Yes.

It is. It's a bit nipply out.

I mean, nippy out.

What am I saying? Nipple?

There is a nip in the air, though.

Can I take something out for you?

I was just, uh...

I was looking at something for my wife.

God rest her soul.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, no, she's not dead, yet.

We're just divorced.

She's history.

Obviously, she doesn't wear underwear...

...there are plenty of shopping days

left until adultery... adulthood.

Which is to say, Christmas,

as in Yule. Yule log.

Not a log. I don't have a log, but I mean,

you know...

...if I had a log. Not in the sense

you think I said I did.

Good golly.

'Tis the season to be merry.

Well, that's my name.

No sh*t.

These are cut really high on the hip.

Look, I'm wearing something similar.

See? You can't see the line.

- You can't see the line, can you, Russ?

- No.

Look, Daddy, teacher says

every time a bell rings...

...an angel gets his wings.

Folks!

Merry Christmas.

Look how big you've gotten.

Merry Christmas.

Mom.

Knock on the door.

Doesn't Nora look old?

You promised, you promised...

They took a pint of fluid

out of my lower back.

You see this mole? This mole on my neck?

You think it's changing color?

No. You keep touching it.

It's getting redder.

I got hemorrhoids.

Could you believe that?

- Oh, Mother.

- Isn't that terrible?

- You're not getting the space...

- After what you did to my car?

I'm doing the parking.

Come and help me with the...

Mom, they're not sleeping in my room.

I'm gonna go crazy...

Sweetheart, your grandma Nora's got

a real painful burr on her heel.

If you rub it for me,

I'll give you a quarter.

- A quarter.

- And I'll give Audrey a quarter, too.

I'm going to put my car in the garage!

I'll park the cars.

This is what Christmas is all about.

I'll park the cars

and check the luggage, and...

I'll be outside for the season.

We'll have the best-looking house in town.

I've always wanted to do this.

That's a lot of lights, Dad.

I'm sure it's a lot of work,

but if I'm out in the cold...

...and I'm committed

to decorating the house...

...I'm gonna do it right

and I'm gonna do it big.

You want something

you can be proud of, don't you?

Yeah, I guess so.

Sure you do.

You think you might be overdoing it, Dad?

Russ, when was the last time

I overdid anything?

Come on, unravel these.

You have to check every bulb.

A little knot here. You work on that.

I'll get the other box.

I hope he falls and breaks his neck.

I'm sure he'll fall. But I don't think we're

lucky enough to have him break his neck.

Let's go.

These gusty winds appear to be playing

havoc with the giant nutcracker float.

At this point, I can't even see the nuts.

They must have blown away.

But nothing is going to dampen the spirit

of this holiday crowd, I can tell you that.

Oh, here they are. Here come the nuts.

Would it be indecent

to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?

Can we at least forbid them

to answer the phone?

Alexander called this morning

and Grandpa Clark told him...

...I couldn't come to the phone

'cause I was going to the bathroom.

We're all making sacrifices, Audrey.

Everybody?

Do you sleep with your brother? Do you

know how sick and twisted that is?

I'm sleeping with your father.

Don't be so dramatic.

I have nightmares about what he does in

bed alone when I'm not lying next to him.

I don't know what to say

except it's Christmas...

...and we're all in misery.

Ellen, are you smoking again?

No!

Dad, where do you want these reindeer?

Just put them on the lawn, Russ.

I can't find the Santa Claus.

It's in the basement. We'll get it later.

Clark? Dinner's ready.

Okay, honey. I'm starving.

Obviously something broke the window.

Something hit the stereo.

And why is the carpet all wet, Todd?

I don't know, Margo.

You wanna hurry this up, Clark?

I'm freezing my baguettes off.

Two hundred and fifty strands of lights,

100 individual bulbs per strand...

...for a grand total of 25,000

imported Italian twinkle lights.

Twenty-five thousand.

I hope nobody I know drives by...

...and sees me standing in the yard,

staring at my house in my pajamas.

If they know your dad,

they won't think anything of it.

Fire it up!

I dedicate this house

to the Griswold family Christmas.

Drum roll, please.

Drum roll.

"Joy to the world."

Beautiful, Clark.

Talk about pissing your money away.

I hope you kids see what a silly waste

of resources this was.

He worked really hard, Grandma.

So do washing machines.

Let's get in where it's warm.

Clark, baby, I can picture it

in my mind and it's breathtaking.

Thanks, Mom.

It's probably a bad bulb. You know, if

one goes out, the whole thing won't work.

If I were you,

I'd personally check each one.

I did that, Dad.

If you need any help, give me a holler.

I'll be upstairs asleep.

I'm sorry, Daddy. It looks good,

even if they're not lit.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Well, Dad, it was a good try.

Thanks, Russ.

We checked every bulb, didn't we?

I'm sure of it.

Maybe we ought to go up there and just...

Geez! Look at the time.

I have to go to bed.

Brush my teeth, feed the hog.

I still got some homework to do,

do the laundry, wash the car...

Don't stay up too late.

Get off me, you little fungus.

Where the hell is that cold coming from?

- I need just a few more...

- Pay by check, if you can.

- Not a card?

- No, it's a hassle if you have to return.

Help!

Daddy. Is Clark coming?

How the hell would I know?

Is he in the house?

If he's not farting around

with the lights, he must be.

I'm sure he wants to come shopping

and have lunch with us.

He's got another car. He can drive.

I have to eat so I can take my back pill.

I want to take off these clothes,

sit with a glass of wine...

...and kiss every inch of your body.

- After you shower, of course.

- Of course.

- Sparky?

- Yes, honey.

Are you out here for a reason,

or are you just avoiding the family?

I still have a couple hundred

more bulbs to check.

Meantime, I can light the Santa...

...and the eight tiny reindeer

and the "Merry Christmas" sign.

That should look good. Ready?

Want me to do the drum roll thing?

No, it's okay. Here goes nothing.

I don't understand it.

The house lights don't work,

the floodlights don't work.

Is it plugged in?

Do you think I would check

thousands of tiny lights...

...if I wasn't sure

the extension cord was plugged in?

You used more than one cord, didn't you?

Maybe the kids have been fooling around

with it. I'll check in the back.

Clark!

- Todd!

- Sorry!

Honey, I think I know what's wrong.

I can't see!

This ought to do it.

I fixed it!

Everybody! Come out quick!

Look at the lights!

- Get a towel.

- Okay!

Wait a minute! I don't believe this.

What's all that yelling about?

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