National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Page #3

---

What's going on here?!

Twenty-five thousand twinkle lights.

What's he doing?

I haven't the foggiest.

What the hell?!

What is wrong with this?!

Damn it!

You goddamn thing!

Dad, it's beautiful!

Oh, my carpet!

Clark, it's so lovely.

You deserve a home like this

to spend Christmas in.

It's a beaut, Clark. A beaut.

You taught me everything I know

about exterior illumination.

Thank you, thank you.

Russ. Audrey.

Dear... Francis.

I hope this adds

to your enjoyment of the holidays.

It's just wonderful.

Arthur.

Art.

Dad.

Thanks for being here.

The little lights are not twinkling.

I know, Art, and thanks for noticing.

The house sure does look swell, Clark.

Thanks, Eddie.

I hope it enhances your holiday spirit.

Dear Catherine.

Eddie?

The house is gorgeous, Clark.

Eddie?

I hope you didn't do this

all on our account, Clark.

Kids, come on out here and see

what Uncle Clark's done to the house.

Eddie?

Eddie?

If you don't remember, this here is Rocky.

- Have you got a kiss for me?

- Take a rain check on that, Art.

He's got a lip fungus

that ain't identified yet.

You remember Ruby Sue?

Oh, my gosh!

Her eyes are not crossed anymore.

That somethin', ain't it?

She falls in a well, her eyes go cross.

A mule kicks her, they go back to normal.

I don't know.

And this here is our pride and joy.

Snots.

Pretty name.

We named him that

'cause he's got this sinus condition.

Snots, you roll over

and let Uncle Clark scratch your belly.

You never seen a set on a dog

like this one's got, Clark.

That's okay, Eddie.

That's somethin', ain't it?

You pet him on the belly...

...and he'll love you till the day you die.

I really shouldn't.

My hands are all chapped.

We were going to call,

but Eddie wanted to make it a surprise.

You surprised?

Surprised, Eddie?

If I woke up tomorrow

with my head sewn to the carpet...

...I wouldn't be more surprised

than I am right now.

We have plenty of room.

Plenty of towels. Plenty of everything.

We're pretty well set up here in the RV.

It's a little tight but...

...we didn't come to impose.

There's plenty of room.

Quit being so damn polite, Ed.

Catherine and I are pretty comfy in there,

but maybe you folks wouldn't mind...

...the youngsters shacking up with you.

After that long drive...

...we could use

a little private time together.

Honey, why don't you get the kids' things.

Don't forget the rubber sheets and gerbils.

I'll show you the home.

That's a honey of a tree, Clark.

Is it real?

I dug it out of the ground myself.

Is that a fact?

Get out of there, Snots!

Don't worry about it.

A little tree water ain't gonna hurt him.

Before we left, he drank

a half a quart of Pennzoil.

He lifted his leg the next mornin'...

If he drinks the water out of there,

the tree's gonna dry up.

Come on out of there.

Get out of there. Go in the kitchen

and get something to eat.

He's cute, ain't he?

Only problem is, he's got

a little bit of Mississippi leg hound in him.

If the mood catches him right,

he'll grab your leg and just go to town.

You don't want him around

if you're wearing short pants.

A word of warning, though.

If he does lay into you,

it's best to just let him finish.

I can't believe you're actually

standing here in my living room, Eddie.

Never thought the day would come.

I'm excited about it, too.

It's a cryin' shame

the older kids couldn't make it.

I'll get that.

Don't worry about it. It's okay.

I got the daughter in the clinic

getting cured off the Wild Turkey.

The older boy, bless his soul,

is preparing for his career.

- College?

- Carnival.

You gotta be proud.

Last season, he was a pixie dust spreader

on the Tilt-O-Whirl.

He thinks that maybe next year,

he'll be guessing people's weight...

...or barking for the Yak Woman.

- You ever see her?

- No.

She got these big horns

growing right out above her ears.

She's ugly as sin, but a sweet gal.

And a hell of a good cook.

Can I refill your eggnog for you?

Get you something to eat?

Drive you out to the middle of nowhere

and leave you for dead?

No, I'm doing just fine.

Just glad to be here.

When did you get

the tenement on wheels?

Oh, that? That's an RV.

I borrowed it off a buddy of mine.

He took my house, I took the RV.

It's a good-looking vehicle, ain't it?

It looks so nice parked in the driveway.

It sure does.

Don't you go falling in love with it.

We're taking it with us

when we leave here next month.

Get Ed Leftic up here

to look over these figures!

Retooling. That's a great excuse.

Retooling?! I'll retool you!

Mr. Shirley, Merry Christmas.

Who's that?

It's me, Clark Griswold.

What do you want?

My wife and I just came up with

a little something special. It's a gift.

Put it over there

with the others, Greaseball.

By the way, I hope my report helped out

at the trade show.

I'm sure it did, Grisball.

If you'll excuse me,

I'm in the middle of an important call.

Get me somebody.

Anybody.

And get me somebody while I'm waiting.

This is a new non-caloric,

silicon-based kitchen lubricant...

...my company's been working on.

It creates a surface 500 times

more slippery than cooking oil.

We'll fly down the hill with this stuff.

Has anyone ever used it on a sled?

Not that I know of.

Don't go puttin' none of that stuff

on my sled, Clark.

- You know the metal plate in my head?

- How could I forget it.

I had it replaced. Every time

Catherine raved up the microwave...

...I'd piss in my pants

and forget who I was.

Over at the V.A., they had it replaced

with a plastic one.

That ain't as strong, so...

I shouldn't go sailing down a hill...

...with nothing between

the ground and my brain...

...but a piece of government plastic.

You really think it matters, Eddie?

The plate runs right underneath my part.

Over here is nothing, but...

...if this gets dented,

then my hair just ain't going to look right.

I know the feeling.

I better try this first. See how it works.

Be careful there, Clark.

Nothing to worry about, Eddie.

Going for a new, amateur-recreational-

saucer-sled land-speed record...

Clark W. Griswold, Junior!

Remember, don't try this at home, kids.

I am a professional.

Later, dudes.

Let her rip. Hang ten.

It's great! I'm dead!

Bingo.

- You're staying late?

- Hi, Bill.

Yeah. Just...

...finishing up a few things.

Last day of the year for me.

Have a really Merry Christmas.

You, too.

You okay?

Yeah.

Bill, did you get your bonus yet?

Just talked to my son.

Company messenger just brought

something to my house.

Nothing like waiting

till the last minute, huh?

You get yours?

If it isn't at the house,

I'm sure it must be on its way.

If I don't get that bonus,

I'm in it up to here.

Don't sweat it. It'll come.

Merry Christmas.

Same to you.

"'Mele Kalikimaka' is the thing to say

"On a bright Hawaiian

"Christmas day.

"That's the island greeting

"That we send to you

From the land

"Where palm trees sway.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote