National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Page #4

---

"Here we know that Christmas

"Will be green and bright

"The sun to shine by day

"And all the stars at night.

"'Mele Kalikimaka' is Hawaii's way

"To say 'Merry Christmas' to you."

Santy Claus?

Uncle Clark, are you Santy Claus?

What?

What? You scared me.

No, I'm not Santa Claus.

I wish I was.

What are you doing up, sweetheart?

Rocky bit my thumb.

Him's nervous

because Christmas is almost here.

Nervous or excited?

Shittin' bricks.

You shouldn't use that word.

Sorry. Shittin' rocks.

Him's nervous because he don't know

if he's gettin' nothin'.

I don't think he should be nervous,

and you shouldn't be, either.

'Cause if you're good, Santa knows it.

If you believe in him and in your mom...

...and you believe in...

...your dad...

...and you've been good all year round,

Santa Claus will bring you something.

Sometimes I think

all that Santa crap is just bull.

If he was so real, how come

we didn't get squat last year?

We didn't do nothin' wrong

and we still got the shaft.

Well, I happen to know for a fact

that Santa Claus is real.

And in the next couple of days...

...somehow, I'm gonna prove it to you.

Every year, he comes to our house.

I've seen him.

It's true?

Cross my heart.

It's a good idea you came to stay with us.

I love it here. You don't gotta put on

your coat to go to the bathroom.

And your house is always parked

in the same place.

I think you better go back to bed, now.

Okay. How come you ain't sleeping?

I was looking for something.

You didn't notice if a man came here

and delivered a letter today, did you?

Nope. How come?

Just wondering.

Now you get back to bed. Come here.

Are you sure you ain't Santy Claus?

I'm sure.

I can't even afford to be an elf.

I had two containers of K-rations...

two containers...

...and I had Spam until

it was coming out of my ears!

Aren't you having any breakfast?

No. Not in the mood.

What are you looking at?

The silent majesty of a winter's morn.

The clean...

...cool chill of the holiday air.

An a**hole, in a bathrobe,

emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.

The shitter was full.

Have you checked our shitters, honey?

Clark, please.

He doesn't know any better.

He ought to know it's illegal.

It's a storm sewer.

If it fills with gas, I pity the person

who lights a match within ten yards of it.

Merry Christmas.

The shitter was full.

I have this suspicion that Catherine and

Eddie don't have presents for their kids.

Rocky said Eddie told him

Santa Claus wasn't coming this year.

Ruby Sue said the same thing last night.

How can they have nothing for their kids?

He's been out of work

for almost seven years.

In seven years he couldn't find a job?

Catherine says he's been holding out

for a management position.

So, how's the live bait business?

I can't complain. How you doing?

Not that good, actually.

Your company kill off all them people

in India not long ago?

No, we missed out on that one.

You're pretty set so far as shopping goes?

Well, I can't lie to you, Clark.

The truth is, things ain't goin'

too good at all.

You know I told you I borrowed

the RV from a neighbor?

It's mine.

We live in it.

I had to sell off the house,

the barn, the ten acres...

All I kept was a 50-foot plot,

the pigs and the worm farm.

If I only had back the money

me and Catherine sent that TV preacher...

...that was screwin' the hockey players.

What about the kids?

His kids can fend for themselves.

Your kids.

That's the b*tch of it.

I don't know what to do.

We coasted into town on fumes.

The gas money give out in Guerney.

Ellen and I want to help you

give the kids a nice Christmas.

No, Clark, I couldn't do that.

We insist.

No, I'm not one for charity.

I know that, Eddie.

This isn't charity. It's family.

I don't know about that.

Now, come on, if you don't tell me

what they want, I'll get it on my own.

This is a surprise, Clark.

This is a real nice surprise.

Just a real nice surprise.

Here's a list.

Alphabetical, starting with Catherine.

If it wouldn't be too much,

I'd like to get something for you, Clark.

Something really nice.

Is your house on fire, Clark?

No Bethany, those are Christmas lights.

Don't throw me down, Clark.

I'll try not to.

Is this the airport?

We're here!

Me and Bethany figured out

the perfect gift for you.

Uncle Louis, you didn't have to

buy me anything.

Damn it, Bethany, he guessed it.

That was fun.

I love riding in cars.

When did you move to Florida?

Are you still dating Clark?

You know you shouldn't have done that.

Oh, dear. Did I break wind?

Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany?

Hell, no.

She means presents.

You shouldn't have bought presents.

It isn't every day somebody moves

into a new house.

They didn't move into a new house.

In the living room.

This house is bigger than your old one.

Is Rusty still in the Navy?

Why don't you go into the living room

and say hello to everybody?

Hello, everybody! I should say it?

- Mom?

- What?

This box is meowing.

She wrapped up her damn cat.

- Take it in the kitchen. Open it up.

- And have a cat running around?

We can't leave it in the box.

Why would somebody wrap up

a cat in a box?

She gets confused. She's old.

They don't have much money,

so she takes things from the house...

...wraps them up,

gives them away as presents.

Can't wait to see what I got!

This one here...

...is leaking.

Lime.

It's her Jell-O mold.

I'll take it, Eddie. Go into

the living room and enjoy yourself.

Let's go find your sister.

Before we begin...

...since this is Aunt Bethany's

80th Christmas...

...I think she should lead us

in the saying of grace.

What, dear?

Grace!

Grace? She passed away 30 years ago.

They want you to say grace.

The blessing.

"I pledge allegiance...

"...to the flag of

the United States of America...

"...and to the republic...

"...for which it stands,

one nation under God, indivisible...

"...with liberty and justice for all."

Amen.

Catherine, if this turkey tastes

half as good as it looks...

...I think we're all

in for a very big treat.

Save the neck for me, Clark.

I'm sorry.

Why are you crying?

I told you we put it in too early.

It's just a little dry. It's fine.

Here's the heart.

Aunt Bethany...

Does your cat happen to eat Jell-O?

I don't know about the cat...

...but I'm enjoying it.

Kids...

...I heard on the news...

...that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sled

on its way in from New York.

You serious, Clark?

Load me up with a little more there.

It's good.

What's wrong with the dog?

He's just yackin' on a bone.

He's got it up. He's all right now.

Maybe if you wouldn't feed him

from the table...

No.

He's probably just nosing

through the trash.

If you're not doing anything constructive...

...run into the living room, get my stogie.

Is there anything else

I can do for you, Uncle Louis?

He's an old man.

This may be his last Christmas.

He keeps it up,

it will be his last Christmas.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote