National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Page #5

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That should be it.

I told you, you had

too many plugs in one outlet.

What is it?

Nothing. Let's go in

and finish our dessert.

If that thing had nine lives,

she just spent them all.

If you don't mind,

I'd like to try to fumigate this here chair.

It's a good quality item.

If you don't mind me askin',

how much it set you back?

Do you smell something?

Fried pussycat.

It's not the chair, it's some kind

of gas coming from the sewer.

My tree!

So, what's the matter with you?

Look what you've done to my tree!

It was an ugly tree anyway.

At least it's out of its misery.

- Dad's gonna flip out.

- Nobody's gonna flip out.

We're gonna have a wonderful Christmas.

What the hell do you want?

I have a delivery for Clark W. Griswold.

I was supposed to deliver it yesterday...

...but it fell between the seats

and I didn't see it. I'm sorry.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

- I can't believe it.

- What is it?

A letter confirming your reservation

at the nuthouse?

It's from my company.

Your bonus.

My bonus.

Open it, Clarkie. Open it.

I hope it's a fortune.

I bet you do.

I was afraid...

Are you going to bawl all over it,

or are you gonna open it?

I was gonna wait till tomorrow

to tell you all this, but what the heck?

With this bonus check,

I'm putting in a swimming pool.

That's it. That's the big one!

Open it!

I'm sorry if I've been

a little short with everyone lately.

I've been waiting for this bonus.

To make sure the pool goes in

when the ground thaws...

...I had to lay out the money in advance.

Until this arrived, I didn't have enough

to cover the check.

Tear the sucker open, Dad.

Drum roll.

If there's enough left,

I'll fly you all down to help us dedicate it.

I can't swim, Clark.

I know that, Eddie.

What's wrong?

It's bigger than you expected?

Smaller?

What is it?

A one-year membership

in the Jelly-of-the-Month Club.

That's the gift that keeps on giving

the whole year.

That it is, Edward.

That it is, indeed.

I'm sorry.

If this isn't the biggest bag-over-the-head

punch in the face I ever got! Goddamn it!

Son.

It's good.

If any of you are looking

for any last-minute gift ideas for me...

...I have one.

I'd like Frank Shirley,

my boss, right here, tonight.

Brought from his happy holiday slumber

on Melody Lane with all the rich people.

I want him brought right here...

...with a big ribbon on his head and

I want to look him straight in the eye...

...and I want to tell him

what a cheap, lying, no good, rotten...

...low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating,

inbred, overstuffed...

...ignorant, bloodsucking,

brainless, dickless, hopeless...

...heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed,

stiff-legged, spotty-lipped...

...worm-headed sack of monkey sh*t he is!

Hallelujah!

Holy sh*t! Where's the Tylenol?

He has that crazy look in his eye.

I told you we should have gone to Hawaii.

Turn that thing off and get in the house!

I'll talk to him, Mom.

You know, Dad...

...I've been thinking.

Good talk.

Aren't you a teeny bit sorry

we didn't get a Christmas tree?

Even though they're dirty and messy

and corny and clichd?

Where are you going to find a tree

at this hour on Christmas Eve?

What's the matter?

Was that really necessary?

We needed a tree.

May I remind you that...

That this was all my idea?

No, no. I'm well aware of that.

Could you just keep it in mind

the next time you go berserk?

I didn't go berserk.

I simply solved a problem.

We needed a coffin.

A tree. There are no lots open

on Christmas Eve.

Louis burned down my tree

so I replaced it as best I could. Voil...

Are you okay?

I'm fine, honey.

I fixed the newel post.

What's that sound?

Do you hear it?

It's a funny, squeaking sound.

You couldn't hear a dump truck

driving through a nitroglycerin plant.

I hear it, too.

I don't hear it anymore.

Squirrel!

What was it? Oh, my God!

Quiet! Shut up!

Mom, don't move.

We can't let it out of the living room.

Where's Eddie?

He usually eats these goddamn things.

Not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels

were high in cholesterol.

Thank you, Catherine.

I'll try and trap it.

Russ!

We're here, Dad.

There you are.

Go get the hammer.

What do you need a hammer for?

I'll catch it in the coat

and smack it with the hammer.

I'm going in with him.

Nora?

Is it gone?

It probably got scared

and ran back into the tree.

Squirrel!

You just march right over there

and slug that creep in the face.

I can't just attack someone.

All right, then. If you're not man enough

to put an end to this sh*t, then I am.

Gone.

Oh, my God.

What happened to you?

Where do you think you're going?

Nobody's leaving.

Nobody walks out

on this old-fashioned family Christmas.

No, we're all in this together.

This is a full-blown,

four-alarm holiday emergency.

We're going to press on

and have the happiest Christmas...

...since Bing Crosby tap-danced

with Danny f***ing Kaye.

And when Santa squeezes

his fat, white ass down the chimney...

...he's gonna find the jolliest bunch

of a**holes this side of the nuthouse.

You're goofy.

Don't piss me off, Art.

- It's over.

- Not according to Santa's watch, it isn't.

Stay out of this, Dad.

Clark, I think it's best

if everyone just goes home.

Before things get worse.

Worse?! How could they get any worse?

Look around you, Ellen.

We're at the threshold of hell!

Son.

I love you. We all love you.

But this is a terrible night.

Nothing's gone right. It's a disaster.

But losing your temper

only makes things worse.

You're too good a father to act like this.

In years to come, you'll want your family

to remember all the love you gave us...

...and how hard you tried

to make the perfect Christmas.

You just cocked it up.

It's okay. It happens.

All our holidays were always such a mess.

How did you get through it?

I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.

I love you.

Will you recite

"The Night Before Christmas"?

No. It's your house.

It's your Christmas.

I'm retiring.

"The children were nestled

All snug in their beds

"While visions of sugarplums

Danced in their heads

"And Mama in her kerchief

"And I in my cap, just settled our brains

For a long winter's nap

"When out on the lawn

There arose such a clatter

"I sprang from my bed

To see what was the matter

"Away to the window I flew like a flash

"Tore open the shutters

and threw up the sash

"The moon on the breast of

the new-fallen snow

"Gave a luster of midday to objects below

"When what to my wondering eyes

should appear

"But a miniature sleigh..."

...and Eddie.

And a man in his pajamas

with a dog chain...

...tied to his wrists and ankles.

What the...?

Stay here.

Merry Christmas, Clark.

You about ready to do some kissin'?

Officer, it seems

my husband has been abducted.

The man was wearing a blue leisure suit...

...and the plates were from Kansas.

He was a huge, beastly, bulging man.

I have never been treated

like this in my life.

I'm sorry.

This is our family's first kidnapping.

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