National Lampoon's Gold Diggers

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1

George Calvin Menhoffer:

All we evervvanted was love.

Oh, and sex.

And money.

Money first, then sex, and then love.

Orvvas it love and then

sex and then money?

No, no. Definitely money first.

I was conceived in Las Vegas, Nevada.

In less than two hours

my birth parents met,

Consummated, and

ended their relationship.

And nine months later on the

mainstage of the pussycat club,

Mom's water broke,

And with awhoosh, I was born.

That's me, George Calvin Menhoffer.

Cal for short.

My best friend's parents

met at this drive-in theater.

It's nowa Starbucks.

We think it was in this public bathroom

Inside this filthy stall,

Where sperm met egg

And little Leonard Smallwood came to be.

He's so cute you just

want to shmoosh him.

Here's the orphanage where

Lenny and I grewup together.

It's nowa Starbucks.

That's me and Len around age six,

And that's old sister Mary.

Ugh...what aface.

At 16 we hit the road in

search of the American dream.

Big bucks, cool parties,

fast oars, and women.

More specifically, that woman.

Oh, you won't believe the things I'll do

To spend a night with her.

We quickly realized life can

be cruel to a couple of orphans--

Road kill crew, Norman, Oklahoma.

Sanitation engineers,

Kansas City, Kansas.

Minimum wage and

all-you-can-eat salad bar.

Human shark bait, P.T. Cartwrighfs

freak showand circus.

Wabash, Indiana.

Those freaks, uh, good people.

After seven years,

the American dream

Was nowhere in sight.

But things were about to change.

Destiny led us west to the

dream capital of the world--

South central Los Angeles.

Broke, desperate, and starving,

I came up with an ingenious, flawless

Brilliant plan

that would ultimately

change our lives forever.

I don't knowabout this, Cal.

If you wanna buy food, Len,

you gotta have money.

Ifsjust the way society works today.

But we've never done

anything like this before.

I'm sick of working for

minimum wage, man.

We're bustin'our asses

and gettin'nowhere.

Riding public transportation

with a bunch of pathetic losers.

No offense.

I like your hat.

We deserve betteryou and me.

Don't worry, buddy.

I got big plans for us.

You gottatrust me, okay?

I'm with ya all the way, Cal.

I'm tellin'ya, man.

Our luck is about to change.

We are this close to having our

share of the American dream

And all the goodies

that go along with it.

Does that include fries?

Damn straight, buddy.

Think of today, this very moment

ls our-first step straight to the top.

And let's never-forget what

sister Mary used to tell us--

Take this, you little piece of sh*t?

Such an unhappy woman.

You know what, though?

We're gonna showher.

Success is the best revenge.

You're a genius, Cal.

I know, buddy. I know.

Hello.

Here we go.

She looks nice, I guess.

Come on. Once you get

through this first one,

the next one's gonna

be easy, all right?

It's gonna be like taking

candy from a baby, Len.

Let's do this on three, okay?

All right.

One.

Go. Just go.

(slowmotion) what the...?

' Got it!

' Got it!

Oh...

Oh, my god!

Woman:
that man took my arm!

Somebody stop him!

Somebody help! He got my arm!

Is anybody gonna help?!

(stuttering) I'm sorry.

L--I'm sorry.

[ail

I can't believe you stole my arm!

And you're gonna... I gave it back!

I can't believe you!

Hang in there, Len. I'm 0omin'!

Don't hurt him! He'sjust a boy!

Aah!

Hey, Steve.

Open gate one.

See ya, Marty.

Oh...

An amputee! W-what are the odds?

Every day with the amputee.

I keep telling you

it's a million to one.

Come on, we gotta get

our act together, man.

No more screw-ups.

We're bright guys, you and me.

Back at the orphanage,

Sister Mary always

said to turn to the lord,

And he'd have all the answers.

Yes...

What would god tell a couple of

entrepreneurs like you and me to do?

That's far enough, ladies!

Aah!

Hey! Hey!

The bags, mama!

Hand over the bags, or

we'll blow your heads off!

The bags! You ol'bags!

I think they might be deaf, Mordecai.

Wait a minute. You're not Jewish.

Don't make me pop

a cap in your ass.

'Cause I vill. I'll pop za cap

Right up in the ass!

Now, hand over

that bag, you ol'bag!

Oh, god!

I'm blind!

I'm a loser.

Yes, sir, afool.

that's what I am, Lenny.

A pathetic fool.

So two old ladies got the better ofus.

Life can't get anymore

humiliating than that.

Yeah, well. You got a point there.

Hey. ..buddy...

Why don't you take a

picture. It'll last longer.

We were robbed, uncle Walt.

Yesterday.

After leaving the bank,

begging for money.

We could've been killed!

I sawmy life flash before me.

Can you begin to imagine

Howdepressing that is?

We're gonna lose our home, you nut!

You know what I love?

The smell of Nazi fear.

That magnificent aroma--

like daisies.

Only putrid.

Where's our money, uncle Walt?

June 6, 1944, d day.

Bombs exploding all around!

Nazis dropping like flies.

God, I wish I was there!

It's syphilis, I'm telling you.

It's advanced syphilis.

What's the stupid meeting about?

I'm a busy man, dammit!

Our money, our inheritance.

We have nothing left, uncle Walt!

Forget about it already.

It's gone. Long gone. All of it.

I wanna see what's

in that safe of yours!

Jesus, I love the word shrapnel.

Howcould daddy put

this deranged lunatic

In control ofourtrust?

You're destroying us, uncle Walt!

The battle of the bulge, Doris.

Ever hear of it?

I missed it by this much.

Patten, that son of a b*tch,

kept me in Newark

Distributing how to

avoid V.D. Pamphlets.

You're a sick, twisted freak!

A liar, and athief!

And you're mean.

Howdare you insult

aworld war ii veteran?

Who almost died for his

country ifhe would've fought.

Howmany times is someone

Gonna point a gun at me this week?

You'll pay forthis,

you son of a b*tch!

Yeah. that's what Hitler said.

Look where he is now--

Burnt up to his ass!

He needs so much therapy.

We're gonnawind up in one of

those state-run nursing homes

With one of those sadistic nurses

Giving us high colonicsjust for laughs.

Couldn't we take out

a second on the house?

We already took out a

second, athird, afourth.

Really?

I should've married Bruce

when I had the chance,

And you should've married Julian.

They were 93y-

We never should've

introduced them to each other.

I don't wanna end up in

one of those homes, Betty.

Who does?

Let's go home.

Stop!

Oh, god, did I hit another oat?

I've got it.

What?

The answerto all our problems.

Hey!

Which one of you scumbags

is Menhoffer and Smallwood?

Looks like your

luck's about to change.

We're being transferred

to a mental institution?

The charges against you both

were dropped this morning.

Oh. those two helpless old

ladies you guys tried to murder--

they left you this.

Did hejust say murder?

Oh...take awhiff, Len. Take awhiff.

Mmm. Smells like paper.

What's it say?

Oh, man...

Oh, mama...

You're not gonna believe this!

Lenny...

Say your good-byes to

these pathetic losers

'cause they just got cheated

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