National Lampoon's Gold Diggers Page #2

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out of the best two asses

In the whole damn prison.

Guard?

Guard?

Are you sure this is

the right address?

Yeah. Yeah, this is it, all right.

I got a bad feeling about this.

Hey, wait!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Where you goin'? Where you goin'?

Come on. Take your

skirt off, baby. Let's go.

Ifsjust two nice old ladies, huh?

Just two...filthy rich, nice old ladies.

I guess they did drop the charges.

That's right. And they

invited us to brunch.

You think to apologize?

It's the least they can do.

Bonjou r.

Uh, we're here to see Miss Mundt

And Miss Mundt.

Door's open, fellas.

Shake ifofiand come on in.

Shake what off? How'd you

like a punch in the mouth?

Go ahead.

You go ahead. Go ahead.

(this could be the start

of something big playing)

Oh, man...

Is this place cool orvvhat?

You're lookin'in someone's eyes

You suddenly realize

that this could be the

start of something big

Can you even begin to imagine

the kind of erotic

parties I could throw

In a joint like this?

Betty:
hey-

You two little jailbirds.

Is that them?

I think so.

Which of you two elegant gentlemen

Is Cal?

These are for you, Miss Mundt.

Oh. ..please.

Call me Betty.

Howvery asian of you.

What? What?

His tongue swells up

when he gets nervous.

Oh...

Oh.

Sweet.

Would you two boys care for a, uh,

Sake martini?

Do you want to go into

the living room and sit?

Let's...let's go into the living room

And sit.

Um, I just wanna say I feel terrible

About what I did to yourtesticles.

They swelled up

like grapefruit, ma'am.

Actually, it was more like tomatoes,

Two big, bright red

beefsteak tomatoes.

Yes.

Beefsteak. Yeah.

Would you boys like

a nice piece of candy

To suckle on?

Thank you, ma'am.

Come on.

Come on. Here.

Here you go.

Got one.

There was a... Hair on it.

I retain water like the hoover dam.

Have you ever seen

the hoover dam?

Betty:
I have that kind of bloat.

So, uh, howdoes it feel

to be out and about?

Well, ma'am, this may come

as a complete surprise to you,

But prison life...

Isn't for everybody.

Especially us.

And I wouldjust like to say that

Me and Cal are real

sorry we tried to rob you

In that filthy, filthy alley.

You weren't planning on

molesting us, were you?

Molesting?

With what?

These boys are not molesters, Doris.

They'rejust criminals.

And Pmjust curious...

Why the sudden change

of heart, Miss Mundt?

Betty is fine, Leonard.

Hmmph! I'm so relieved to hearthat.

You know, um,

looking at those suits,

I can only begin to imagine

Howbrutal life has been for you.

All you boys need

Is one good break.

That would be nice, Miss Mundt.

Betty, Lenny.

Your last name is Lenny?

L gotta pee.

I gotta pee in the house.

I gotta pee, see?

Down the hall and to the right.

Oh, and don't forget to lift the seat

Because we would hate to

have any tinkle on ourtushies.

Cal:
Lenny, you wanna

come with me?

Oh, isn't it cute?

They go to the bathroom

togetherjust like girls.

Marry Betty and Doris?

The Mundt sisters?

The two out there

in the living room?

I'm telling you. they're perfect.

It's brilliant. It's the

answerto all our problems.

I'm gettin'that bad feeling again.

Hey, hey, hey-

Once we take that

long, terrible walk

Down the aisle and stammer out I do,

We become the legal

heirs to their entire estate.

Now, stick with the plan.

We marry them, we insure 'em

And we kill 'em.

You got that?

Yes.

Let me hear you say it.

We marry 'em, insure 'em,

then kill 'em.

Perfect.

They're lonely, wealthy women

Lookin'for some lovin'

In their waning, waning years.

You think that's--

that's why they invited us here?

A-and dropped the charges?

Of course, Len.

Are you kidding me?

To broads like that,

You and me are fresh, young meat

Hot off the stud truck.

They'll never go for it,

Betty. We're too old.

Speak foryourself.

I happen to have-- shh!

...a body of a 20-year-old.

Take a good look at these.

Look at these fresh babies.

In describing your babies,

the word fresh does

not come to mind.

Dammit. We don't look any different

than we did in 1965.

We can do this. We have to do this.

They're never gonna go for it.

they're never gonna go for it.

Len! those two women

out there are wild about us!

Listen to me. Our

dreams of the good life--

No. Your dream of finding

your one-and-only

Ain't never coming true

Till we got plenty of dough to burn.

I mean, thafsjust the way it is.

We've been handed the

opportunity of a lifetime here.

Will we have to hold

hands with them?

Yes.

Do we have to see them naked?

Yeah.

Will we have to dance with 'em?

Yes.

Do we have to fornicate them?

Yeah.

Will we have to have

Oral sex with them?

Seniors are very oral.

How long until they buy the farm?

See, that's the brilliant part of it.

I mean, did you see the way they walk?

the way they breathe?

Six months.

A year at best.

Now, we have to keep convincing them

that we're rolling in dough.

I know. Maybe we could

showthem the movie.

Ah...

Everybody loves that movie.

Nowyou're thinking.

Oh, wow. Your own theater.

Very cool.

Betty:
our old man

was a real film buff.

He built this himself

Back in the late '30s.

What did your old man

do to make all this money?

He stumbled on a

product that's used today

By practically everyone.

All except the Catholics.

Toilet paper?

Catholics use toilet paper.

Huh.

What am I thinkin'of?

You boy's will get a

real kick out of this.

Have a seat, fellas.

Doris:
so, what'd you think?

Was the man in the

movie really your father?

Handsome, wasn't he?

No.

You guys must be worth millions.

Doris:
oh, who's counting.

Let me show you afamily heirloom.

This is the very first Mundt condom.

It's so big.

(snorts) oh, you think that's big?

Doris:
Men were

men back in the day.

But I gottafunny feeling

that you boys'll meet our needs

Just fine.

Lenny:
Cal's got a

wanker like a stallion.

Black stallion.

I like this one.

He's got a rapiervvit.

Is it just me

Or does anyone feel

Something magical

is taking place here?

Do you boys feel something

magical is taking place?

Anyone?

Betty:
oh, boys!

Cal:
this is some

strong tobacco, hey, Len?

Lenny, do you prefer

missionary or doggie?

Oh...I'm allergic to dogs.

No, I mean lovers!

What kind of lovers are you two?

Well, Betty, first of all,

I should explain that due to

our deep, religious beliefs,

We're actually, uh,

not allowed to do any

Humping or bumping

of the uglies until

Afterthe vows of

marriage are complete.

Oh! I thought you would never ask!

Lenny, are you excited?

About what?

About the wedding?

Did--did I just ask you to marry me?

Cal just did!

I did?

Yes!

And we said yes!

We said yes! Yes!

Looks like we're

gettin'married, buddy.

This is some good sh*t.

What amend we 'nave

A friend we have in Jesus

In Jesus

What a privilege

A privilege it is to carry

To carry

We can carry everything

Everything, everything

Oh, everything, everything

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