National Lampoon's Gold Diggers Page #3

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Everything, everything

through god and prayer

thank you, sister.

Your face ain't too much to look at,

But your lungs are truly heaven-sent.

Oh, thank ya!

Amen to that!

All:
Amen!

There are many kind of love,

brothers and sisters.

There's love between

a man and a woman.

That's one kind of love.

There's love between two women.

That's another kind of love.

I like that kind.

And there's a love between

a man and his monkey.

Dat der called monkey love.

You ain't had no love

until you done had yourself

A little monkey love!

What the hell are you talking about?

I'm talkin'about love, woman.

This is aweddin', ain't it?

What a day to fall off the wagon,

Starin'at this sh*t in front of me.

But I feel good, baby!

Just scroll down to

the legal mumbo-jumbo.

Whateveryou want, mama.

Do you...

George Calvin the Hoff en.

Hoffener?

Hoff--uh.

Do you...

George Calvin Menhoffer,

Take this woman

To be your lawfully wedded wife

To have and to hold--

ldo!

Do you--

Yes! What?

Yes, I do!

She does! Amen!

Amen. Amen. Amen.

Do you...

Groom number 2,

Take Doris Lupe Mundt

To be your lawfully wedded wife?

To have and to hold

Till death do your ass part?!

(slurring) I do.

He's all swelled up. It's his tongue.

I'll take that as ayes.

Oh, no. It is ayes.

It's definitely ayes.

Then by the power vested in me,

By the state of Cali-forn-i-a.

I nowpronounce

you mans and wives.

Nowyou may kiss your brides.

But somebody give me a blindfold.

I don't wanna see this sh*t go down.

Pucker up, lover.

Boy:
ew!.

Praise the lord!

And Amen to that!

Swing down Iowswing down chariot

Stop and let me ride

Swing down chariot

stop and let me ride

Ride, lord ride, lord...

(intro to you scare the daylights outta me)

Lovin'you

Scares the daylights outta me

Oh, too good to be true

You got me goin'

I don't knowifl can take it

'cause

Lovin'you, yeah

Scares the daylights outta me

(bed squeaks)

You know, by law,

A marriage isn't legal

Until it's consummated.

Let's not do anything crazy, okay?

Keep it respectable, shall we?

My boy, lollypop

You make my heart go giddyap

You are atreat that's dandy

You're my sugar dandy

I love you, I love you I love you so

But I don't want you to know

I need you, I need you I need you so

Hi. Remember me?

And I'll never let you go

Oh, my boy"

I've been waiting to do this all my life.

...lollypop

You make my heart go giddyap

You set the world on fire

You are my one desire oh! Oh!

Whoa, you're my lollypop

Where would you like the nuts?

Whereveryou like 'em.

I love you, I love you I love you so

But I don't want you to know

I need you, I need you I need you so

And I'll never let you go

Oh, my boy lollypop

OWL:

OWL:

You like it? Yeah, I do. Keep goin'.

OWL:

OWL:

You are my one desire

Whoa my lollypop

Okay, let's consummate.

Can't we just cuddle?

Later.

Aah!

I just wanna cuddle!

(sobbing)

Later. Later.

Oh! Aah!

Betty:
faster! Faster!

Don't touch me.

Cal:
lord, make me strong!

What the hell is that thing?

I'm showing you something!

Keep it going!

Watch yourfingers!

Not there with the fingers!

Lenny:
Doris?

Betty?

Cal? Oh, Cal?

Cal? Holy crap!

Oh, dear lord!

(organ music playing)

At this time I would like to invite

Betty and Doris'

husbands to the podium

To say afewwords.

Calvin. Leonard.

Father.

First we would like to

thank you all forjoining us

On this very difficult day.

I would nowlike to read

the psalm 28-1.

Unto thee will I cry

Oh, lord, my rock,

be not silent to me.

Lest if thou be silent to me

I become like them

that go down into the pit.

That just about

says it all, doesn't it?

I'll never-forget Betty's smile

Or her childlike giggle.

All those little... Age spot thingies

that she had smattered

all over her beautiful body.

Don't forget about Doris.

Howcould I, Len?

She was so sweet.

So naive.

Such great teeth.

(sobbing)

You really loved her,

didn't you, Len?

I guess so. Yeah.

You knowifs so like Betty and Doris

To die in their sleep on the same night.

Their little hearts calling it quits

Within minutes of each other.

We so looked forward

to growing old with them.

Len and I in our 80's...

the girls in their 130's.

Dammit, ifsjust not fair.

Sh*t.

(vacuum hums)

You got a, uh...

Got a line over like right there.

(vacuum hums)

We are gonna Miss them so much.

(upbeat music playing)

(laughter, chatter)

What did I tell ya, Len?

Just like takin'candy from a baby.

You're a genius, Cal.

Oh, by the way,

the blonde with the nice b*obs...

Is my soul mate.

Her name is candy.

Candy? Sweet.

Looks like you got yourself

a keeperthere, my friend.

Tell me something.

Anything you want, baby.

When was the last time

you had passionate sex?

With another person?

With a beautiful woman

who finds you irresistible.

Well, there was one time--

No. No, never.

Never, actually.

Do you think Betty would

mind if we made love right here

Right now?.

Who? Yourvvife.

She's dead.

Her body's not even cold yet.

Well, I knowit would

help to ease my pain,

My suffering.

I knowifs what

Betty would've wanted.

You are such a sensitive man.

A golden god.

A gift to all women.

I know.

Mmm...the things

I'm gonna do to you.

Oh, god,

You are so hot.

Your body is so tight.

(snoring)

(continues snoring)

Cal:
she draws me maps

ofher erogenous zones.

There's 933 points of interest.

Well, at least she doesn't

make you do weird stuff.

Like, lick her pits.

Zone 44.

I've memorized them.

It's not as bad for me, I guess.

Dorisjust wants me to be food.

I've been a cob

salad, an ambrosia--

Don't you find it just a little bit odd

that we all sleep in the same bed?

I want you to see me!

They're in better shape

than I ever imagined.

I'll go down here backwards.

Would you like to see that?

Going down and her are two things

I really don't wanna ever hear again.

No! I'm gonna do a swan dive!

Are you watching? Yes!

This could go on foryears.

You're not watching!

I'm watching!

Can you see me?!

I can see you! Do something already

While we're young! Do it!

Okay.

Nowifsjust you and me, baby.

(farts)

(gasps)

(coughing)

I blacked out, Doris!

I could've died.

That's it. What's it?

We have to kill them.

Pickle?

You mean. ..murder?

See, murder is such an ugly word.

Try to think of it more like--

More like self-defense.

I don't know.

Don't you wannafind your

one true love, Len, huh?

Don't you want that, huh?

Yeah. Yeah.

But to kill the girls?

Betty's wearing me down, man.

She's suckin'the lifeblood out of me.

I'm tellin'you, if we don't do

something drastic, like soon,

You're gonna be scattering

my ashes to the wind.

Please, please. Forthe love ofgod

And all that is good and decent,

Just go with me on this, okay?

Help me snuff out the girls.

Betty:
those life insurance policies

Pay out only on the

death ofour spouses.

Howmuch rat poison?

Four heaping tablespoons per quart.

Howmuch is a quart?

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