National Lampoon's Gold Diggers Page #4

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You need Martha

Stewart to figure this out.

This is just too hard,

this recipe stuff.

Can't we just wound him?

Just slam him over

the head with a mallet?

I told you to leave

your heart out of this.

You are stressing me out!

This is the first time

I've ever killed anyone!

And I need cooperation!

It'sjust that I find Lenny

so sexually attractive.

Oh!

Maybe it gets easierthe second time.

Be a good accomplice.

Have some compassion.

Have some compassion for me.

I have compassion. Don't I always

show you compassion?

Showcompassion nowand stirthis!

Okay.

I wanna kill him, and

I don't wanna kill him.

More rat poison.

This is the last time

I ever kill anyone with you.

Hi. You sure the girls are upstairs?

Yeah. they're--

they're in the kitchen.

Okay.

Didn't you think Doris'

meatloaf was terrific?

So tasty.

I thought it was very dry.

I told you to put gravy on it.

Our cooking days are

numbered, my friend.

In a million years you'll

never guess what this is.

Chloroform?

That's impressive, Len.

How'd you know?.

It's written right there on the label.

Wow!. You know,

I never read the label.

So, you wanna kill 'em?

No, just gonna

knock 'em unconscious.

It'll be easierto finish offthejob

lfthey're not squirming around.

Isn't there away that

we could put them into

Like a permanent coma or something?

Only death is permanent.

Who knows with a coma?

You and I could be

livin'up the good life

And then shazaam!

they're eyes pop open!

Won't they smell it?

No. See, that's the genius of it.

It's completely odorless.

Here. Check it out.

(sniffs deeper)

It--it smells like somebody's feet.

What?

Whose feet?

(slurring) I don't smell anything.

You're a genius, Cal.

(giggles) I know, buddy.

I know.

Do you think murder is unethical?

No. then I don't either.

As aristotle once said,

When life throws you a lemon,

Sometimes you just

gotta up and kill somebody.

Did you make this lemonade?

No. the girls made it this morning

Before they headed out

to their gynecologist.

They're not pregnant are they?

Bite yourtongue, man!

Oh, good afternoon, Mr. Wu.

Thirsty. Very thirsty.

Oh. Um... Yeah.

Thank you. thank you.

Oh, chug.

Chug. Chug.

Chug. Chug.

Chug. Chug.

Chug. Chug.

Chug. Chug.

Chug. Chug.

Chug. Hey, hey!

Whoo! thank you.

All right. Whoo hoo!

See what I did? 'cause I went whoo!

And his name's Woo.

Oh, yeah!

(chuckling)

Oh, hey, you want some?

No, no. Lemonade always

tastes like camel piss to me.

It's got the-- no, thank you.

I've always been much more of a, uh,

Passion fruit- ice tea man myself.

Those are good, but they

always give you the runs.

They're good, though.

What kind ofham you got there?

Is that, like, smoked

ham or is it regular?

I believe it's regular.

I think they smoked my ham

And I don't like it smoked.

Think we could trade?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

That'll be okay?

I'm fine with that. Switch it out?

What kind of bread you got there?

Same bread as you.

All right, I'll pass it off then.

It's nasty.

I'm not a big smoke guy.

They're smokideverything

nowadays, have you noticed?

(loud muttering)

Looks like Mr. Woo

wants more lemonade.

All gone, Woo.

Poured down drain, Mr. Woo.

Down drain.

All gone, Woo-Woo. All gone.

Hi. Hi! Hi.

That musfve been some

sweet-tastifilemonade.

I bet it was.

PoorWoo.

What about mrs.

Woo and all the little woos?

Medic said it looked

like a massive heart attack.

You should know

that he absolutely

loved your lemonade.

(gasps)

Nobody bagged grass like Woo.

Could he shape a bush!

(snoring)

I'm going insane, Lenny.

You wannafly a plane?

Insane. Insane!

Oh. Insane.

Just kill her already.

You can do it, Cal.

I love you.

(farting)

(farting continues)

(snoring continues)

Shut the door, shut the door!

Come here, come here,

come here, come here.

Are they still sleeping? Yeah.

I feel faint.

Dizzy.

My stomachs upset.

Maybe Pmjust hungry.

Are you sure this is gonnawork?

This baby is a can't-Miss.

We're sure to get at

least one of them.

I hope it's Betty.

Nowlisten to me.

We have to make it look like

atypical household accident.

That's the key to

afirst-class murder.

Okay? Come here.

Here's what I did.

I added a little motor

oil to the petroleumjelly.

It's kinda like my own little recipe.

I call it death by invisible goo.

Okay.

It's gonna be like

a slip 'n slide in there.

Do you know that more

people are killed every year

In their bathrooms than

on our nation's highways?

Oh, yeah. It's a deathtrap in here.

It's crazy, it's crazy.

Do you think there's

gonna be a lot of blood?

That's the hope, buddy.

There we go.

That oughta do it.

Nowall we have to do is make

an excuse to leave the house.

When we come back, we play

it up big time for the oops.

I'm a genius.

I can't believe

this is what a guy has

to go through nowadays

To earn a buck.

Hey, hey, you just remember

that society's to

blame forthis, okay?

It's their rules that drove

us to this desperate place.

All we evervvanted was

just the best life had to offer.

You know, without

havin'to work for it.

No one told me life would be like this

Nowl knowa hell on earth exists

You'll never know

what I've been through

Shouldn't there be paramedics?

This is very disappointing.

Very disappointing.

Hi. Missed you.

What took you so long?

Did you get the prunes?

Please, tell me you got the prunes.

Aren't you ladies usually showered

And ready to take on

the day by this point?

The drain's all clogged again.

One of you sheds like a dog.

I still don't understand.

What does that have to do

With you guys taking

a showerthis morning?

We will, once he

removes that giant hairball.

Who exactly are we talking about?

The plumber.

Betty:
He just got

here afewminutes ago.

(plumber screaming,

glass shattering)

(gasps)

the guy I bought it from

Said it hasn't been fed in weeks.

Are you absolutely positive

this is gonnawork?

I'm sure it'll work.

It's bound to kill

at least one of them.

Well, I hope it's Cal.

(snake hissing)

there you go.

Tell me when it's over.

You tell me when it's over.

Betty:
oh, my god.

Are they dead?

(snoring)

(rattling)

I hear it went

straight for his weenie.

Maybe it mistook

it for another snake.

I once asked him

If I could borrowa cup of sugar.

He told me to go sorewmyself.

I'm so glad I forgave him.

Can you see anything, Cal?

Not really. It's pretty dark.

Are these gonna be loud?

You've been to the

movies before, haven't ya?

Betty:
Perfect. they're

sleeping like babies.

I can't do this.

If Lenny ever-found out it was me,

He would be so hurt.

Okay. I'll kill yours, you kill mine.

I don't think this is gonna

look like much ofan accident.

It might be a little more complicated

To talk ourvvay out of,

But I don't see any other choice.

This seems a bit extreme.

I think effective is a bettervvord.

Here. I thought these

might come in handy.

I thought these might make

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