National Lampoon's Gold Diggers Page #5

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the task a bit more pleasant.

I think I'm gonna puke.

It'll all be over soon enough.

Ready? No.

Okay, good.

You ready?

What?

Are you ready?

Not really, no.

Okay. Good.

On three.

One... Two...

three!

I'm sorry about this

whole tryin'to kill you thing.

Ah, this kind of thing

always happens to me.

It was Cal's idea.

It was Betty's idea.

Whipped cream?

Thank you.

Friends like that are

hard to come by these days.

You're so caring, so unselfish.

They're both insane, but brilliant.

Brilliant.

Why did you want to kill me?

Why?

Yes. Why?

Why did I want to kill you?

I wanted to kill you 'cause

I wanted to have some fun.

Okay? I want a

blonde nymphomaniac

With perky breasts

and long, tanned legs

And atight little ass.

Oh. Oh, yes. And young.

See, that's the key

word here, baby--

Young...as in not old!

Nowwhat is that?

I mean, it's nothing personal.

Killing me is one thing,

But you hurt my feelings.

You tried to kill me.

You don't think that hurt my feelings?!

Yes, it's true, I admit it,

But the difference is

that it was never an afterthought.

I planned on killing you

right from the beginning.

Oh, howromantic!

There should be awarning label

Attached to every one of you broads.

And my ass is little

And my breasts are perky.

Ask anyone.

Yeah. I'll get right on that.

We took these right afteryou threwup

On the roller coaster.

I dry heaved for nearly a half an hour.

This one you look nauseous,

and this one you look dead.

Those were the days, all right.

So...besides all the lies and the deceits

And the trying to kill each other stuff,

Don't you think we made

a pretty good couple?

There's not a person alive who

doesn't think at one time or another

About killing their spouse.

I think it's a sign of a

healthy relationship.

Would you like some more syrup?

Yes.

Maple or boysenberry?

You choose.

You're so trusting.

You son of a b*tch bastard!

You used me!

My bottle!

Don't you dare throvvthat.

Huh? Is that all you got?

Huh? Is that--

Come on, Betty.

Right here, Betty. Right here, Betty!

Hung like a stallion, huh?

A four-year-old has got

more meat between his legs.

Howdare you insult my privates?!

You want a piece of me?

I'll kick your ass.

(gasps) you're gonnafight me?

I'm a woman,

I'm practically in my 50's,

And you're gonnatake me on?

That's right. Come on.

Flying wasp. Come on.

Come on!

I bet if we would've met

under better circumstances,

things might've been different.

Yeah.

Maybe we would've

fallen in love for real.

That would've been nice.

I've never been in love.

As I was staring across the bed

through the haze of the shotgun smoke,

I realized at that moment

that my desperate search for my true love,

My soul mate,

Might be oloserthan I ever realized.

You are referring to me, right?

Yes.

If I said I love you, Doris Mundt,

Would you believe me?

Do you believe it, Len?

I mean, I'm not anyone real special.

I don't want anyone real special.

You know, we're not

exactly real close in age.

I mean, when you were

in the fourth grade,

I was probably in...

the tenth.

Age is just a number-for

people foolish enough

To let it come between them.

Oh, god, that's the most

beautiful thing I ever heard.

I know.

I can't believe I said it.

Would you mind

If I kissed you?

Sorry I beat you like that.

Thanks for helping me stop the bleeding.

We have an announcement to make.

Me and Lenny are in love.

For real this time.

Oh, that's so nice.

Is what I just heard the truth, buddy?

Are you really in love?

I mean, with yourvvife?

You rva/ife?!

She's it, all right.

She's the one.

Then I'd say it's a good thing

we didn't blovvtheir heads off.

I wannathank you, Cal.

You always promised

You'd help me find her,

And you came through

just like I knewyou would.

I'm happy for you, buddy.

I really am.

Before we break out the champagne,

Which we ain't got,

May I remind you that

love don't pay the bills.

Betty's got a point.

Dammit! Hovvthe hell

can your uncle Walt

Go and steal all your money like that?

I just told you.

We were so naive.

I know that he's got millions ofour dough

Stashed away inside

that big, fat safe of his.

Have you ladies ever

heard of a little someone

Named lee harvey oswald?

Why? Are you related?

No, but my foster parents were

sure I'd end upjust like him.

Spit it out, Cal.

What are you proposing?

I'm proposing we do

what, in my business,

We call a little of the old b and e.

That's breaking and...

E?

Exiting? Exiting. Good, Len.

Breaking and exiting.

You mean rob uncle Walt?

What have we got to lose?

Nowhe's got a point.

I think he has a point.

Yeah, I think so.

But I'm not sure.

So? What do you say?

Are you with me or are you against me?

Are you in or are you out?

With you all the way, Cal.

(groaning and grunting)

(bones creaking)

Does anyone feel

Something magical

is about to happen here?

Anyone?

(brakes squeal)

It looks different at night.

Scarier.

Doris:
he's right.

I'm getting second thoughts.

Hey, we signed offon the plan.

It's a good plan; a damn good plan.

It's a solid plan.

I think it's aturn-on.

Let's rock.

Okay, quiet like

mice, people. Let's go.

I just gotta get the door open.

The handle's over...

Good, good, good.

(all whispering and shushing)

Doris, let Betty go.

Okay, just...

Let Betty go first.

All right, go ahead. Go, go, go, go.

(horn honks)

TV:
...of the 6th of January, 1943,

Supreme allied commander

General Eisenhower

Greets the men of the...

there it is,

Just like I always remembered.

I've never even heard

of a coal chute before.

I told you.

It dates back to the turn of the century.

We used to play in it when we were kids.

Ha ha ha, that's great.

Can we stay focused, please, people?

I'm afraid of the dark.

Don't worry. the dark

will help to hide the rats.

Ah! Did he say rats?

Did I volunteerforthis?

Maybe we shouldjust rethink this.

All right. Lower.

(Doris continues muttering)

Okay, let her go.

(yelling)

(Doris screaming)

Great balls!

(TVoontinues)

(rustling)

(Whimpers)

What is it, boy?

Spit it out.

Who? (barks)

Nazis?!

Nazis.

This is it.

We're under attack.

(gunshot)

Goddamn!

Honey, are you okay?

Doris:
I'm so lucky.

My head broke the fall.

I got rope burned.

So nowwhat?

Did you say nowwhat?

Is that what I heard you say--

nowwhat?

Howabout go to the front

door and lettin'us in?

Are you okay, sweetheart?

I took a leak in my pants.

Patton called me a pussycat.

I added the cat part to hide my shame.

This pussycat is gonna

do some serious meowing.

Oh, yeah.

If they think this old foot

soldier's gonna lie down

And wave the white flag,

they've got anotherthink 0omin'.

Bruno, fetch my...

(gasps)

Oh, god.

Please let this be gas.

Okay, phase one is finally complete.

(jingling)

And I think I hear phase two coming.

(growling)

Holy crap. Bruno.

Showtime, Lenny.

Give him sh*t, honey.

Hey, poochie.

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