National Lampoon's Gold Diggers Page #6

---

(growling) hey, poochie.

Nice doggie.

Nice poochie.

(growling ferociously)

(screaming) nice poochie!

Nice poochie.

Okay, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

He's fine.

He's fine.

(screaming continues)

(TVoontinues)

He's right where we want him.

You're a goddamn stud.

Bruno's out like a light.

He munched on a

fewofthose sedatives

We stuffed into the

meat, puked on my face

And passed out.

Good work, cochise.

Phase three, Cal.

Give me the pipe.

Oh, yeah.

Whack the sh*t out ofhim, Cal.

No, just a little tap.

No, listen to me. Whack him.

No, just atap.

Hey, hey, hey!

Come on, who's the leader here?

You are, snookums.

Thank you.

Oh, thank you.

My pleasure, honey bunny.

(TVoontinues)

(crystals olinking)

that was just to let you know

We mean business, old man.

Mr. Walter van Mundt,

if that is your name,

Me and my associates ain't here

To play a game of hopscotch.

Wipe that smile offyourface,

Or I'll blowit off.

Hey, hey!

Don't you look away from

me when I'm talkin'to you.

Nowlisten up good, old man.

I'm gonna ask you this

one time and one time only.

What's the combination to the safe?

What's the combination?!

He is some cool customer.

He's dead.

What?!

As in not alive?

We've murdered the old bastard.

I have killed so many people.

Well, dammit to hell!

We've got to revive him right now

Or my master plan is

in seriousjeopardy here.

Don't just stand there;

help us. Come on.

Tickle him or something.

Hey! Hey, war guy!

Betty:
So do you have any ideas

about what we should do?

I vote for gettin'the hell outta here.

Failure is not in my vocabulary.

Howabout quitting?

Come on, we came here

tonight to get our money,

And we're not leavin'without it.

A good thief is always prepared

With a sound backup plan.

Watch the rug.

He's got a lot of heads in this house.

Boy, he's a heavy bastard, all right.

Gives you awhole newappreciation

Forthose in the moving business.

You think the oops will buy this?

Sure, sure, sure, sure.

Ifsjust gotta look like an accident;

Like he tripped and

fell down the stairs.

Stairs are actually a common

deathtrap to the elderly.

A lot of people don't know that.

Spin him around, spin him around.

Got him?

Okay, prop him up, prop him up.

We're gonna do this on three, okay?

One...

Two...three.

Yeah, well, uh...

that was...

Unexpected .

Okay. Let's go, boys and girls.

Got a date with a safe.

That's a big boy, all right.

We're rich.

Not so fast.

Nowlet's get this straight, Cal.

You're gonna do what to what?

Rip the door off.

Rip the door off?!

That's correct.

Are you experienced

In this ripping the door off business?

No. Well, I...no.

And may I ask

Just what tools you're going to use

To rip the door off?

One extra-long chain,

One pea-green Cadillac convertible,

And this brain.

I don't think so.

He can do it.

Are you sure, honey?

No.

Lenny...

Bring up the chain.

Just like taking candy from a baby.

Let me knowwhen

you're in position. Over.

Over.

I'm in position.

Say over afteryou

finish, not before. Over.

Gotcha. Over.

Turn her over.

Over.

Okay, put the pedal to

the metal, good buddy.

Let's do it!

(gasps)

(loud rumbling)

She's giving way.

Come on! Give it all you got, Len.

What the f***?

Ramming speed, Lenny.

(groaning)

You bastards.

Stop! Stop!

The brake, Lenny. Hit the brake!

Uncle Walt? What the sh*t?!

Stop, you maniac!

Oh!

Hello?

Cal?

anybody?

Over.

Doris:
thank god he's dead.

This would've really upset him.

Walt's body's not downstairs.

Wouldn't worry...

Wouldn't worry too much about it.

(creaking)

(all gasping)

Oh, my!

God!

You did it.

I did it.

I am a genius.

(all laughing)

Cal:
all we evervvanted was love...

And sex...

And money.

Oh, and happiness.

Lenny and Doris

settled into suburbia

Where her art flourished,

Winning the praises oftwo local critics.

They even took in Bruno,

uncle Walfs beloved dog.

He's like a hairy,

vicious child to them.

As for uncle Walt,

We tried to get his ashes entombed

At arlington national cemetery,

But he was flatly rejected,

So we did the next best thing.

Semperfi, uncle Walt. Semperfi.

As for me, well,

I guess one could say

that, in my case, crime did pay...

Rather beautifully.

I missed you.

I was just in the bathroom.

Always take me with you--

promise me.

Whateveryou want, baby.

You know what you are?

A golden god?

A gift to all women.

I know.

Howmuch did you

say you're worth again?

$5,655,422.

Give ortake.

But it's not all tied up

in stocks and bonds, is it?

That's cash, baby.

The things I'm gonna do to you.

And don't think I forgot about Betty.

We decided being

friends was much better

than being husband and wife.

And I must confess

that Miss Betty Mundt

is one hell ofawoman.

My boy lollipop

You make my heart go giddyap

You are as sweet as candy

You're my sugar dandy whoo!

Wuh-oh, my boy lollipop

Shake that booty, mama.

Never, ever leave me

Ooh, wow!.

I have hit thejackpot.

My heart told me so

You folks may want to

leave right about now,

'cause y'all ain't gonna

wanna see this sh*t go down.

(balloon POPS)

Ooh! Lord, have mercy!

I need you, I need you,

I need you so

And I'll never let you go-o

My boy lollipop

You make my heart go giddyap

You set the world on fire

You are my one desire

Oh, my lollipop

I love you, I love you, I love you so

But I don't want you to know

I need you, I need you,

I need you so

And I'll never let you go-o

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes