Neptune's Daughter

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I'd like to tell you a story about a guy,

a girl and a bathing suit.

I saw her at every swimming meet

the city ever had, just like this one.

She was always lined up

with a group of other girls...

... but she stood out like a swan

in a bunch of mud hens.

I saw the starter take his place

and call, "Swimmers up."

She hit the water and cut through it

like a million-dollar yacht.

At the turn, it was neck and neck...

... but she soon pulled away,

away out in front.

And that's where she belonged,

out in front.

Well, she walked

to her dressing room on air.

And I went right after her.

Well, she knew me

and knew what I wanted...

... but the answer was still no.

I tried to convince her we could go

places together, but she wasn't interested.

She didn't wanna go anyplace but home.

She lived in a little apartment near the

college with all her trophies and her sister...

... a scatterbrained little chick

who had a lot to offer...

... but couldn't seem

to get anyone to take it.

I kept telling her the swimsuit business

was crying for us.

With my ideas and her face and figure,

we'd be a cinch.

She seemed interested, but was worried

about her amateur standing.

But I felt if I kept after her,

I'd make her realize...

... there comes a time in every woman's life

when she has to turn professional.

We started on a shoestring.

She was clever.

She designed and modeled her own suits.

They were new, different.

A little gag here, a little trick there.

And did they sell!

Say, she could sell anything.

The orders kept coming in

and pilling up...

... and we shipped them out

as fast as we could fill them.

Before you knew it,

we were in big business.

- So what?

- So what?

Everybody and his brother will be there.

Not to mention LIFE and Look

and the news services.

Sorry, I don't play polo.

Neither will the players when they get

a load of you parading around the pool...

...in that swimming spectacle

you're gonna stage.

- I'm going to stage?

- A tribute to our South American neighbors.

You're a good neighbor, aren't you?

Sounds like great publicity.

What about the club?

They're pretty conservative.

- I wonder if they'll go for it.

- They'll go for it.

As soon as you sell Mr. Canford,

the club president.

Me? Oh, now, just a minute, Joe.

You're the barker of this outfit.

I'm just the trained seal.

You balance this ball

on that pretty nose of yours...

...and we'll both take a big, fat bow.

- Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go.

- Go where?

To Middlebrook, to meet

the South American polo team.

Oh, Betty, get that gleam out of your eye.

You're not going.

Oh, Evie, this is my chance

to meet a romantic Latin.

And a polo player

is what I've always wanted.

Yes, last year, it was a football player

you always wanted.

- The year before that, it was a cowboy.

- Well, I'm flexible.

You're too flexible.

Well, this time, it's the real thing.

This time it's love.

Love. Oh, Betty.

Evie, you might as well face it.

I'm madly in love.

- With whom?

- The South American polo team.

Betty, dear, you've got to stop

throwing yourself at men.

- You're only going to get hurt.

- Not if my aim is good.

Besides, what's wrong

with a woman chasing a man?

Well, it just isn't done.

Men are men and women are women,

and, well, that's just the way it is.

Well, I don't wanna change it,

I just wanna get in on it.

If I don't stop dreaming

of orange blossoms...

...l'm gonna have to sleep

with a smudge pot at the foot of my bed.

- Are you hurt?

- No, not too bad. Just got my shoulder.

We've got a great masseur at the club.

Fix you up in no time.

Hey, Julio!

Call Jack Spratt, the masseur.

Who will be the lucky winner

on tonight's Stroke of Fortune...

... the quiz show to end all quiz shows?

You don't have to guess anything,

you don't have to say anything...

... and you don't have to know anything.

If you're lucky and have a telephone

and can answer our call...

... you will receive $ 1000

and other valuable prizes...

... if you're lucky and have a telephone.

And now, the wheel is turning.

While we're waiting for

the winning number, the orchestra plays.

Excuse, please, senor,

you make with the massage?

- Not now. Come back later.

- But, senor...

You want me to lose a thousand dollars?

This is an important program.

They give away prizes.

Last week there was an old maid

in Pomona...

...she won a 32-room house,

a four-door sedan...

...a live-bait barge

and a two weeks' vacation...

...in a Tibet monastery,

with all expenses paid.

Oh, but, senor, you better come with me.

Senor O'Rourke, she hurt his arm.

Her did? Senor O'Rourke,

you mean the captain of the polo team?

Well, why didn't you say so

in the first place?

I wouldn't have won anything anyhow.

I listen to these quiz programs all the time.

Of course, they never call me.

They... Sort of a waste of time.

Sometimes those quiz programs

are not on the level.

Stop the music, stop the music!

- Long distance is ringing the winner.

- Probably some phony name.

- Mr. Jack Spratt of Clayport, California.

- Jack Spratt!

Whoever heard of anyone

named Jack Spra...?

That's me! They're ringing me!

- No answer yet?

- It's locked.

- Keep trying, operator.

- Oh, the key, the key.

- Don't stop ringing!

- You'd better hurry up, Mr. Spratt.

- Well, I can't find my key!

- This is your last chance.

Oh, no, no, no!

Mr. Spratt doesn't answer?

Well, never mind, operator.

But Mr. Spratt

will receive our consolation prize...

... of five crisp, new $ 1 bills.

Five dollars? Five dollars.

You'll never know what I went through

to get all those phones.

Night after night in those phone booths.

I paid $30 for that radio,

a fortune in box tops.

Wore out two pair of pants

just sitting.

I lose half of my customers,

and what happens?

They call me and I can't even get in,

all on account of a little key.

A little key no bigger than...

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no, no.

Hey, mister.

- Where will I find the polo players?

- Oh, they are out on the polo field, I think.

Well, how do I get there?

Well, you go down this road

until you come to a...

No, no, you go down this road

until you come to a tree...

...and then you turn to the...

No, no.

You go down this road until you come...

Gee, I don't think you can get there

from here.

Well, aren't there any polo players

around here?

El capitn Jose O'Rourke

is in the tack room, I think.

Well, how do I get to the tack room?

Well, you go down this road

until you come to... No, no, no.

- You go down this road until you come to...

- Oh, here we go again. Never mind.

Great country, South America.

You know, I've always wanted to meet

one of those black-eyed senoritas.

The senoritas right here

look muy bonitas to me.

Yeah, well,

they may look that way to you...

...but whenever I meet them,

they're always facedown on a table.

They only come to me to get them

in shape for some other guy.

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