New Year's Eve Page #3

- Yeah.

Okay.

See if you can get him to eat something.

Did he change his mind?

Nope. No treatment,

just palliative meds at this point.

- I guess it's time for hospice.

- No time.

Well, is he gonna make it

until tomorrow?

It's doubtful.

Another thing that chaps my ass about

the holiday season is all the fake niceness.

Like, today I received 50 text messages...

...with a generic "Happy New Year"...

...from people who hit "send"

to their address book.

Most of them I haven't heard from

since last year. Call me back.

Oh, hey, hold the elevator.

- I'm going down.

- Oh, wait, wait.

- Honestly--

- Me too.

Yeah, I tore down the decorations.

According to the lease agreement, you're

not supposed to decorate the hallways.

Not my decorations.

- Yep.

- No, no, no. This can't be happening.

I have somewhere that I need to be.

Hello? Hello? Hello?

- Wait, this thing is dead!

- It doesn't work.

Well, call the super.

He doesn't work either.

- No reception.

- Oh, no.

Oh, you're the new girl from 5B.

Why aren't you more panicked

right now?

Oh, I don't know. I don't really

have anywhere to be.

Hello? Hello, this is 5B! This is 5B!

I'm stuck in this elevator!

I'm gonna be late for work.

False alarm, dear ones.

- But everything's okay, right?

- Oh, everything looks very good.

Hmm...

We close both eyes so that

we may see through the other.

Hmm.

Labor could be any day now.

Any day?

Don't worry, I know you wanna have

a very natural childbirth...

...no epidural, no pitocin, we're gonna

use the hypnobirthing techniques.

We were actually just kind of wondering

if we could schedule a C-section.

Just, you know, kind of get this show

on the road, am I right?

- Yeah.

- Uh, we were thinking, um...

...maybe tonight-ish.

Midnight-ish. Uh...

- Right? Griff, right?

- Yeah.

We were both thinking that

maybe tonight could work better.

- If we could do tonight that would be great.

- Tonight?

Hmm.

You want me to come in on New Year's Eve

at midnight and perform a C-section?

Is it New Year's?

- Oh, boy. Weird.

- It is. Yeah.

- I completely just forgot.

- I did too.

- I think with all this.

- Pregnancy brain.

We were never really New Year's people.

We're more Memorial Day people.

Let me be clear.

I will not schedule a C-section

just so you can win some money.

The couple who was in here before

offered to split the winnings with me.

And of course I said no.

Frankly, I'm surprised that you would

even suggest this, Tess.

What if we went 60-40?

- Seventy-thirty.

- Yeah.

You are dangerously close

to a rectal exam.

Oh, that's not good.

Mom, I wanna go to Times Square

to watch the ball drop.

Well, I plan to avoid this entire section

of the city tonight.

Well, I don't want you to stay.

I want you to go home.

- Ouch.

- There's this guy in my history class.

His name is Seth, and I've been hoping--

I have this, like, sick dream that, you know,

we'll get to hang out at midnight.

And then, of course,

I'll come right home.

Honey, I'm sorry.

I'm just-- I'm not comfortable allowing you

to stay in Times Square at night alone.

- Period.

- End of discussion, got it.

Sorry. Come on.

- You know, I'm 15!

- I know, Hailey.

This is not a training bra!

And this is not Girls Gone Wild!

My gosh.

Mom, you know,

I'm an honors student, okay?

I don't drink or do drugs, and I'm trying

really hard to be the perfect daughter.

- But it's like you don't trust me.

- No, it's not you I don't trust.

Then who do you not trust, Mom?

You don't trust the world?

Or is it just New York

because it's a big scary city?

Have you ever been to Newark?

Look, Mom, the world doesn't scare me,

okay? It's just getting good.

I wanna start living in it.

You used to.

Brady Finley in Times Square.

It's before noon and they're already

predicting record-breaking crowds.

I'm with Miss Morgan.

We're bringing the media to the roof.

Hey. You okay?

- Fine.

- You're not afraid of heights, are you?

- A little.

- Let me be accurate.

You're afraid of heights

and you run the ball drop?

Well, I think it's what makes Claire

the best for this job.

- Let's do that thing we worked out.

- Yeah, let's do that.

- Officer Nolan.

- Yes, sir.

Be careful here.

This is precious cargo, all right?

Make a hole, people.

- Oh.

- Oh, are we all getting picked up?

- Sure.

- No, no, no.

No, no, no.

Okay.

I'm okay. Ha-ha.

Okay. Where were we?

Uh-- Oh, the ball.

Since 1907 there's been

a Times Square ball drop.

The first ball was made

of wood and iron...

...and had only 10025-watt light bulbs.

Okay. Let's light this baby up.

Ready?

- on.

- Hey!

- It worked!

- Beautiful.

Okay, so this evening we are gonna

raise this ball to the very top of the pole...

...where it will stay until 11:59.

And then the countdown begins.

- Can you fix it?

- No. And don't you want to know why?

Because the complicated machine

behind me isn't called a fix truck.

It's called a tow truck.

That means I put the big hook under the

broken car and take it anywhere you want.

- Which is where?

- New York City.

No again.

Not today and not me. I've got big plans

with my lady friend tonight.

Sign there.

Can you at least tow it

to a mechanic nearby, please?

Nearest mechanic is 10 minutes away.

- Whatever, that's perfect.

- Let me finish.

He's 10 minutes away, but he's closed

today. Everyone's closed today.

I guess you know since you're

dressed like Penn & Teller.

As far as the car goes, you're SOL...

...which means "something out of luck,"

but I don't curse.

I can't be SOL. I've got a big speech

at the company party tonight, okay?

This is very important.

- I've got something important too.

- Like what?

Me and my girl are gonna crush

a 12-pack and watch porn.

- Ms. Withers?

- Oh.

Did you call in a delivery of something?

- Ingrid.

- Ingrid.

And actually...

...I'm your next job.

I bought you for the day.

Bought me for the day, huh?

Oh, Ms. Withers. I think I should be

offended, but I'm just too intrigued.

My New Year's resolutions.

Mm-hm.

I just took care of the first one.

You quit your job?

- All right.

- If you make these come true by midnight...

...you get these.

For me?

Holy sh--

Whoa. Whoa, okay. Put these down.

Don't flash those around.

Everybody can see them. Seriously.

You called the right guy.

I'm in. Let me see number two.

What is it? Whew.

"Go to Bali. Breakfast at Tiffany's."

You wanna save a life.

Are you kidding me?

Impossible. I don't understand

what you're talking about.

I don't understand what

you want me to do here.

Use your imagination.

We're gonna need a bigger boat.

You know, you don't have to sit like that.

You can put your legs around me,

or you can hold onto me.

No, I'm okay.

All right.

Jensen, I'm here.

And I brought you some enchiladas.

They're very spicy.

Thank you.

Listen, Ava, I was hoping maybe

you could help me out.

What is it? Is it writer's block?

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