New Year's Eve Page #5

...just to make sure that Piper

goes to school. It's nuts.

- Come on. I'm not that bad.

- Mom, you've stopped trying.

You're being clingy and mean,

because you don't have a man in your life.

You really gotta find somebody.

Look, Mom, you're a hot woman.

If you'd just, you know,

lose the clogs, maybe?

I'm sorry, but I am trying.

And I would like you to try.

Just have our New Year's party.

- And toot-toot, Happy New Year!

- Okay. Mom! Mom! No more.

I'm over it.

I'm over it and I'm over you.

Why are we at the church? You were

supposed to take me to the rental car shop!

Hey, James Bond,

I need one more signature.

For what?! What am I even signing for?

So you can get your car back.

Right there. Initials.

Keep the pen, it's got my name on it.

Didn't I tell you that

all the rental places close at 3?

I've got you covered.

There's your ride right there. Hey, Edwin.

Hey, Harley. Hey, Sam.

Hey, he's the pastor.

Yeah, that's right. It's the earmuffs.

- So my cousin here tells me you need a lift.

- Cousin?

I'm taking my wife and kids to see the Radio

City Rockettes. We do it every New Year's.

Ever seen the Rockettes? Tch-tch.

Happy to give you a lift.

You want to pitch in for gas?

- Hell, yeah. I'll pay for all the gas.

- Don't say "hell," he's a pastor.

Show him the book.

Give me my pen back.

I'll never understand people with hair.

Thank you, Harley.

There she is.

How much gas are we talking about?

What's your credit-card limit?

ICU, how can I help you?

Hi, Mr. Harris.

How you doing today?

Right.

You've been here for weeks.

First no radiation, now no chemo. Why?

What's the difference, you know?

Why delay the inevitable? I don't know.

When I was a photographer in Vietnam,

I'd see death all the time.

Nothing prepared me for this.

I promise I'm gonna make you

as comfortable as I can, okay?

Just get me to midnight and we're even.

Okay.

I'll be back.

Honey? I've been thinking.

Hailey?

I fought so hard for custody.

Hey, I got hats here!

What do you need? Yo! Scarves, hats!

Happy New Year! Here, pick a hat.

Go ahead.

Keep walking, then. Go ahead.

- Marvin!

- Kim!

- Hailey!

- UP.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, yo. Happy New Year!

Poppers, streamers, horns!

Hailey!

Calling you.

Hey, it's Hailey.

Leave me a message

and I'll try and get back to you.

I think she decided.

- You got a hat.

- You got a dog.

Oh, it's a big responsibility.

Yeah, but you gotta give it a chance.

Give it a chance, right?

We'll give him his shots.

You can pick him up Monday.

Or you can wait and think about it.

No.

- I'm done waiting.

- Yeah!

We're gonna make each other

very happy. Aren't we?

What are we gonna name him?

- Um...

- Something manly like Kong.

How about Mr. Snugglepuss?

"Snugglepuss"?

You can decide on a name later.

Anyways, look what you just did.

Saved a life. Check.

Take a trip around the world.

It's a bit of a cheat. But check.

It's 6:
00 here in Times Square.

And now to host tonight's festivities,

Mr. New Year's Eve himself:

Ryan Seacrest!

Thank you very much.

Hello, New York City!

I'm Ryan Seacrest.

Are you ready to see the Times Square

ball being raised?

We've been joined by several

members of the Times Square Alliance...

...as they get ready for the ball drop.

I know you're nervous,

but you have to look up, Jeffrey.

Here we go!

Uh-oh.

That's not supposed to happen.

Sorry, friends,

we have a bit of a hiccup here.

We'll just sort that out, no problem.

Stay with us, we'll be right back, okay?

We will have it up and running

momentarily, right?

Yeah. it's-- There's--

- Please? Please.

- Yes.

I'm starting to feel a little bit of pressure.

Pressure's not great to feel.

And it messes with my hair.

And I need my hair to be up. Like the ball.

Go, guys, go. We gotta fix this

by midnight. Go, go, go.

Whew. This would never have happened

to Dick Clark.

- Can't you show me one special trick?

- I'm not a magician.

- Okay?

- Are you in the Secret Service, mister?

Duncan.

So, what's the speech about, Sam?

Like I said, I haven't even written it yet.

I guess I'm still looking for

the inspiration.

What inspires you, Sam?

- Pizza.

- Excellent.

Sweet.

Okay, thanks.

Welcome to the Queens Museum...

...featuring the New York City miniatures

depicting all five boroughs.

And now, the very best part:

Walk all five boroughs in one day.

Crossing that off the list.

Yo, Randy, I know you said you didn't

wanna come out tonight, but listen.

I made a deal with this lady

for four tickets to Ahern's VIP party.

I don't know what her deal is, man.

She's just...

...like, a couple sandwiches

short of a picnic. You know?

Like a little bit pathetic.

In, like, a cute way.

So, dude, please, please

call me back, bro.

I need you. I need my wingman

at this party. Hit me back, bro.

Okay. All right, next up...

...is to be amazed.

Which is very vague.

I will be amazed if I can come up

with something. But I will.

I don't wanna do this anymore.

What are you talking about?

I'm pathetic...

...dude.

Hey.

Wait, where are you going?

Staten Island.

- Miss Morgan, we're not sure what's wrong.

- How long will it take to be sure?

I don't know. A couple minutes,

a couple hours, maybe more.

We don't have a couple of hours.

We only have midnight.

I have one job tonight. To make sure...

...even if I have to do it with my own two

hands, that ball descends at midnight.

You can't move midnight.

Why are you looking at your shoes?

You're not telling me something.

What are you not telling me?

We need Kominsky.

The Kominsky?

Tess?

Tess? You in the bathroom?

What are you doing?

Yoga. It's supposed to help.

I'm no expert, but seems like that would

send the baby in the wrong direction.

Let me help you.

Oh...

- Did you get it?

- Yeah.

And I got a discount

with my vet school ID.

You'll make such a good

veterinarian someday.

Thanks. And if you were a horse,

I'd know what to do.

Of course, if you were a horse,

we'd never get invited to dinner parties...

- ...and I'd be married to a horse.

- Ha-ha-ha.

This smells awful.

- Drink it.

- Mm-mm.

What? It's castor oil.

Mary Poppins swore by this.

Mary Poppins also danced

with cartoon penguins.

You first.

You're a coward.

- Mm. Mm.

- Hmm. I'm sensing a thumbs down.

Ugh. Mary Poppins sucks.

Well, you forgot about

the spoonful of sugar. Ooh.

- What was that?

- What was what?

Oh, my gosh. My water broke.

- All of it?

- on.

Well, what do you think?

Well, that's too early.

Can you turn it off?

- And how do you suggest I do that?

- Yoga?

Get upside down. You can do a downward

dog or an upward dog. Do one of the dogs.

- Okay, we need to pack!

- We have packed.

- Okay, calm.

- Taxi!

- I don't think we're gonna get one up here.

- Right, we gotta go where the cars live.

- Pants, I need pants.

- Okay.

These are your pants.

Give me the cute pink ones.

Don't throw them at me.

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