Ninotchka Page #22

LEON:

Just smile.

NINOTCHKA:

At what?

LEON:

At anything. At the whole ludicrous

spectacle of life. At people being

pompous and taking themselves

seriously and exaggerating their own

importance. If you can't find anything

else to laugh at you can laugh at

you and me.

NINOTCHKA:

Why?

LEON:

Because we are an odd couple.

NINOTCHKA:

Then you should go back to your table.

LEON:

No, I can't leave you. I won't. Not

yet. Not until I've made you laugh...

at least once.

To get rid of him Ninotchka emits a joyless sound which

approximates a laugh.

NINOTCHKA:

Ha! Ha! Now go back.

LEON:

That's not a laugh! I mean a laugh

from the heart. Now let's see. I'm

going to tell you a funny story.

Just a moment... I've got it! Well,

it seems there were a couple of

Frenchmen who went to America...

NINOTCHKA:

On which boat?

LEON:

(thrown off by her

methodical thinking)

Well, er... let's drop it. I don't

think you would care for that one.

NINOTCHKA:

Probably not.

LEON:

Do you like Scotch stories?

NINOTCHKA:

I have never heard one.

LEON:

Two Scotchmen met on the street...

and I don't know the name of the

street and it really doesn't matter.

Well, anyway, one's name was McIntosh

and the other's was McGillicuddy.

McIntosh says to McGillicuddy, "Hello,

Mr. McGillicuddy," and McGillicuddy

says to McIntosh, "Hello, Mr.

McIntosh," and then McIntosh says to

McGillicuddy, "How is Mrs.

McGillicuddy?" and then McGillicuddy

says to McIntosh, "How is Mrs.

McIntosh?"...

NINOTCHKA:

I wish they had never met.

LEON:

(disarmed)

So do I.

(after a little pause)

Now, here's a great one... Ha! Ha!

Ha!

(he looks at Ninotchka

and her expression

stops him)

Well, maybe it's not so good. Let's

forget it! How's this? Two men are

looking at the moon. One says to the

other, "Is it true that a lot of

people live on the moon?" "Yes, it

is," says the other, "five hundred

million." "Whew!" replies the first,

"they must get pretty crowded when

it's half moon!" Ha! Ha! Ha!

There is no response from Ninotchka.

LEON:

(starting to get sore)

I suppose you don't think that's

funny?

NINOTCHKA:

No.

LEON:

It seemed funny to me when I first

heard it. Maybe the trouble isn't

with the joke. Maybe it's with you!

NINOTCHKA:

I don't think so.

LEON:

Maybe you haven't any sense of humor.

Well, I'll give you one more chance!

Now listen!

He gets up and speaks in a threatening voice audible to the

entire room.

LEON:

When I heard this joke for the first

time I laughed myself sick. Here

goes! A man comes into a restaurant

and sits down and says, "Waiter! Get

me a cup of coffee without cream."

After five minutes the waiter comes

back and says, "I'm sorry, sir, we're

all out of cream, can it be without

milk?"

GROUP OF SEVERAL WORKMEN

They have overheard the story and all burst into laughter.

NINOTCHKA AND LEON

Ninotchka continues to eat her soup without a shadow of a

laugh.

LEON:

(furious)

Not funny, huh?

NINOTCHKA:

No.

LEON:

So you don't think that's funny? It

is funny! Everyone else thinks so!

Maybe you didn't get it.

He sits down again.

LEON:

(threateningly)

I'll tell you that joke again. A man

comes into a restaurant. Did you get

that?

NINOTCHKA:

Yes.

LEON:

He sits down at the table and says

to the waiter... Did you get that

too?

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