No Clue

SECOND FLOOR:

EMPIRE PRIVATE INVESTIGATIONS

Jiminy Cripes...I mean...

holy, I mean...hello!

I'm sorry, I should have knocked

No, no, that's fine. That's goo...

Ach!

Come in, come in...

I mean you're in already...ah...

Have a seat

Oh, thank you

My name is Kyra.

And I, um...

I was..um...

Are you, are you okay?

Do you need a glass of water or something?

Yes, that would be nice.

I don't have any water...I just realized

Do you want...uh, do you want some...uh...

Gum?

No, that's alright

No, I just need a moment to gather myself

I'm not thinking very clearly,

I'm so...

I'm so frightened

Frightened? Why?

My brother is missing.

And I'm afraid...

Well, I'm afraid he might be...

I can't even say the word.

Dead?

Oh!

Oh, geez, sorry

I shouldn't have blurted that out

I wasn't thinking.

Do you want some...

I should get a little fridge in here or something

No, that's okay

It's not your fault

Just take your time

Deep breaths

Okay, I'm alright

Honestly, I'm okay now

Okay, good.

So your brother's dead?

Oh, I'm sorry. He's not dead

I mean, why you think he's dead...

He's just missing.

Things go missing, that's not so bad.

Your keys will go, or whate...

I can't find one of my gloves

That doesn't mean it's gone forever and ever

Vanished into the ether

And never to be seen by human eyes again

Oh, I'm a jerk

No, you're right

I shouldn't assume the worst

That's right. In fact, you should never assume

because you...

It's just that I...I called him on the phone

the other night and he was very agitated

and he wouldn't tell me why

Y'know we talk on the phone all the time

we're really, really close

But this time I asked him what was wrong

And he just kept saying

Don't worry

Well, there you go

Well, then I called him the next morning and

he answered the phone, but he didn't say anything

It was just this heavy breathing on the phone

And then

someone was calling his name in the background

and he just - all of a sudden - he whispered...

I love you, sis

And hung up.

Holy crap, that gave me goose bumps

Did you tell this to the police?

With the heavy-breathing and everything

Well...there might come a point

where I have to go to the police

and if it comes to that I will, but...

I just want to try to get to the bottom of this

without involving authorities

Oh, that, that's never good

That's not a good idea...

It's like plumbing

You think, "Oh, I could do this myself"

And then the next thing you know,

there's water up to your neck,

And there's poop floating by...

Sorry. Feces.

That's why I came to you

I know I need to get some help.

but from someone who could be...

a bit more discrete about things.

Will you help me?

Please?

Yeah, Okay, I'll...I'll do what I can.

But if it gets out of hand and into anything

weird or dangerous Then it's right to the cops

Because, uh, I can only do so much.

Okay, I understand.

So, how do we do this?

Do I pay you now, or...

Uh..let's just...

you know what, I...

I have some other things that I have to

take care of, at the moment, so...

Can we meet tonight?

Tonight? Ouch, laundry night.

Please? I only get the machine

in my building on Wednesdays

Please, please this can't wait

It's my brother.

Ya know, you're...you're right

okay, uh...

You know what, there's a pub down on

Abbot Street called the twisted Rhino

Twisted Rhino.

No, not twisted. Tall. The Tall rhino.

On Abbot Street?

No, I mean yes to Abbot, no to Rhi...

It's not Rhino, what is it?

Hip...Hippo. It's the Tall Hippo.

It's the tall or twisted some-kind-of-animal.

It's the only pub down there with an animal in its name.

Well, there's the swinging weasel...

but that's a male...

8 o'clock?

Sure, I'll see you then

And you're name is Mr...

Leo. Just call me Leo.

Thank you, Leo

So, it's a missing persons case, huh?

About the size of it.

And at no point during the conversation

did you think to tell this woman she's

in the wrong office.

Or that you're not a detective,

In fact, you're a pen salesman.

It never came up, no.

And I'm not a pen salesman.

I sell specialty advertising.

Pens, or matches, or hats,

the little foamy beer can cozies...

Whatever you need your logo on.

I can make it happen.

Oh, that's right.

I forgot about the hats and cozies.

Yeah, with skills like that

you should be fighting crime.

I'm not fighting crime.

I know I should have said something,

but she just kept busting into tears

Ho-hokay

That's it.

What?

She's good-looking.

You are so shallow.

Honestly, Ernie, who said

she was good looking?

I couldn't even tell you what she looked like.

I did..I didn't...

She was unbelievable, Stone-cold

gorgeous dish full of red-hot fox meat.

That was set under a hottie lamp until it was smokin'

Oh, my gosh Leo, six minutes you're with this woman,

you're in love. You fall in love

like a twelve year-old girl.

Let me guess,

You're probably home practicing

writing your name with her last name.

Probably thinking about names that you guys might

have for your children

No...well, I've always liked Kyle

But it's not even like that.

She just seemed genuinely lost,

like she really needed help.

And the detective guy who's down the hall...

Who's actually a detective.

He's outta town for two weeks.

I heard the landlord talkin' to the FedEx guy.

So he can't help her.

Neither can you.

Suddenly, you think you're James Bond.

James Bond, the private eye.

Whoever.

In your world, James Bond is a guy

you can just hire.

to hide in the bush

and photograph your wife

greasing the pool boy.

Whoever! I don't keep a list

of detectives in my head

in case I'm in a stupid conversation.

Well, it doesn't matter anyway

because I'm going to tell her tonight.

No, you won't.

You're going to start to tell her

and then she's gonna flap her eyelashes at you

and you're gonna go,

"amashawhahashe's a pretty girl"

And then you're gonna wet yourself.

Give me some credit.

I am giving you credit,

because you're probably gonna crap yourself.

Look, I don't care if she is pretty.

And she's not pretty,

she's a smoldering tower of nuclear hottitude.

I got that...

She looks like that famous...eh, supermodel

What's her name?

James Bond.

Okay, very funny.

Uh, did you tell her about me?

Oh.

Ah, Gator/Hippo, same thing.

Hey.

How are you doin'?

I'm fine.

You look lonely.

I'm not.

Maybe you're lonely,

and you just don't know it yet.

I'm meeting someone.

And you two have each other,

so we're covered.

Oh, she thinks she's

too good for us.

I couldn't imagine someone who isn't.

Oh, I'm very curious to see

your boyfriend now.

To see how pretty he is.

To see how un-pretty we can make him.

heh-heh-heh

Hidey-ho,

Sorry I'm late.

Wanted to get a load of whites

in the wash before I left.

I tried to get Mrs Beelman to

switch nights with me, but

she just kept yellin',

"No swapsies!"

Which...it is the rule, but still

lighten up, Eunis!

Oh, sorry.

...uh, I'll have

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